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The moment you realise your children are only on loan to you

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I remember my mum came up for a visit when my daughter was 8 weeks old.  Don’t worry, believe me that wasn’t the first time my mum had come up since my daughter was born. To quote one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs, ‘Wild Horses’ couldn’t have kept her away.  She came up two days after my little girl was born and drove all the way from Brighton to Manchester for a two hour visit to come and see us and in her words ‘make sure MY girl is okay’.   It took me a moment to register but I looked at my gorgeous daughter and then looked at
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the way my mum looked at me and realised, yeah I guess I am still your baby? Yes i’m grown up and i’ve moved away and a mother myself now but to her I’m still her daughter.

Now this early period of being a parent, the the sleep deprivation, the visitors and just sheer ’mentalness’ (made up word) of getting your head around being a parent all sort of blurs into one now.  I know my mum came up 3 weeks after the birth because my boyfriend was going back to work and she wanted to help out for a week.  But it was the second visit that sticks in my

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mind.  We were in my living room and my daughter was lying on her mat smiling and playing with the dangling toys off her play mat whilst we cooed and chatted amongst ourselves.  I said to my mum ‘she just seems so independent, even now, and I feel like as soon as she hits 18 she is just going to pack her bags and go off travelling or something.’  My mum looked at me strangely and sort of smiled.  It was then it hit me. I had done just that. I had packed my backpack at 18 and decided to go travelling for 8 months before uni.  My mum didn’t even
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have to say anything I just looked at her and then at my little girl and went and gave my mum a big hug and said ‘ I am so so sorry.’  We both just laughed.  Of course at 18 i wasn’t thinking about how me leaving to travel halfway across the world would effect my mum, I was just excited about the adventure that I was about to embark on.   When I first arrived in Australia I was homesick and apparently I called a lot but then the calls started to be more infrequent and dwindled to every 2 weeks. My mum said although this was hard, she knew I was
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okay because sometimes the less she hears from my brothers and I the more content she feels we must be.  I also forgot, till she reminded me, that I called one day from the pay phone at the hostel to tell her I was going to do a skydive over Byron Bay the next day.  Now a sensible child would have called after they had done the skydive and not before.  My mum said she was just utterly petrified but kept it masked on the phone and just said it ’sounded exciting’. All these things suddenly hit me.  I wasn’t a bad teenager, I came home on time after
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a night out and I wasn’t out drinking every night, so I always assumed I never really had anything to apologise for, until the moment I became a mum.   I may not have been out all hours but I did travel to the other side of the world, live in the middle of the outback for 8 weeks with total strangers and jump out a plane.  Was this somehow worse for my mum? I literally don’t know how my mum did it. How do you begin to let go?

Everyone prepares you for the unconditional love when they say, ‘you won’t believe how much you love them instantly’

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and yes that is all true, but no one ever tells you about the instant fear and how that consumes you. Suddenly this new little person is your everything to protect and keep safe.  It all ran through my head like battering waves from will she be healthy, to will she fit in at nursery, at school, will she be a good person, will she be safe.  I’ve always been a heart on my sleeve sort of gal and sensitive but it’s at a whole new level since becoming a mum. 

Something has always stuck with me that my mum once said to me years ago.  She said ‘you

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are only on loan to me’.  I thought that was so sad when I first heard it but then it also seemed quite beautiful at the same time.  As parents we get the privilege to watch our children grow into these people and we can be there for them as long as they want us.   I know one day I will have to let my girl go and let her have her own adventures and travel the world like I did and like my mum did.  To quote from an incredibly well respected and high brow source; “children have got to be free to lead their own lives” never a truer word spoken
SelfishMother.com
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than by Sebastian the crab from Disney’s The Little Mermaid.  These experiences will shape who she is as a person and I would never stand in her way.  But I also appreciate, selfishly, how hard it will be for me because as a parent you just want to protect your child and keep them safe. Once they are out in the big wide world you have to sort of take a back seat I guess. Which I can’t imagine is easy to do.

My mum is amazing and the sort of mum where all my mates at school liked coming round to chat to her in the kitchen, the hub of our family

SelfishMother.com
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home.  She isn’t that sort of mum in Mean Girls who wants to be your best friend and dress the same, talk about boys and come out drinking with you she is just someone people are drawn to.   Her personality is just catching.  When you become a mum yes you change in many ways, like your priorities, but you are the same person. As I’ve got older and since becoming a mum I appreciate my own mum on so many levels now.  She is someone who is an incredibly inspirational  role model to me who, despite how hard it must have been to let go, always pushed
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me to try new things and have that sense of adventure.    I hope I can inspire my daughter in the same way one day but I have some great big shoes to fill.
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- 10 May 17

I remember my mum came up for a visit when my daughter was 8 weeks old.  Don’t worry, believe me that wasn’t the first time my mum had come up since my daughter was born. To quote one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs, ‘Wild Horses’ couldn’t have kept her away.  She came up two days after my little girl was born and drove all the way from Brighton to Manchester for a two hour visit to come and see us and in her words ‘make sure MY girl is okay’.   It took me a moment to register but I looked at my gorgeous daughter and then looked at the way my mum looked at me and realised, yeah I guess I am still your baby? Yes i’m grown up and i’ve moved away and a mother myself now but to her I’m still her daughter.

Now this early period of being a parent, the the sleep deprivation, the visitors and just sheer ‘mentalness’ (made up word) of getting your head around being a parent all sort of blurs into one now.  I know my mum came up 3 weeks after the birth because my boyfriend was going back to work and she wanted to help out for a week.  But it was the second visit that sticks in my mind.  We were in my living room and my daughter was lying on her mat smiling and playing with the dangling toys off her play mat whilst we cooed and chatted amongst ourselves.  I said to my mum ‘she just seems so independent, even now, and I feel like as soon as she hits 18 she is just going to pack her bags and go off travelling or something.’  My mum looked at me strangely and sort of smiled.  It was then it hit me. I had done just that. I had packed my backpack at 18 and decided to go travelling for 8 months before uni.  My mum didn’t even have to say anything I just looked at her and then at my little girl and went and gave my mum a big hug and said ‘ I am so so sorry.’  We both just laughed.  Of course at 18 i wasn’t thinking about how me leaving to travel halfway across the world would effect my mum, I was just excited about the adventure that I was about to embark on.   When I first arrived in Australia I was homesick and apparently I called a lot but then the calls started to be more infrequent and dwindled to every 2 weeks. My mum said although this was hard, she knew I was okay because sometimes the less she hears from my brothers and I the more content she feels we must be.  I also forgot, till she reminded me, that I called one day from the pay phone at the hostel to tell her I was going to do a skydive over Byron Bay the next day.  Now a sensible child would have called after they had done the skydive and not before.  My mum said she was just utterly petrified but kept it masked on the phone and just said it ‘sounded exciting’. All these things suddenly hit me.  I wasn’t a bad teenager, I came home on time after a night out and I wasn’t out drinking every night, so I always assumed I never really had anything to apologise for, until the moment I became a mum.   I may not have been out all hours but I did travel to the other side of the world, live in the middle of the outback for 8 weeks with total strangers and jump out a plane.  Was this somehow worse for my mum? I literally don’t know how my mum did it. How do you begin to let go?

Everyone prepares you for the unconditional love when they say, ‘you won’t believe how much you love them instantly’ and yes that is all true, but no one ever tells you about the instant fear and how that consumes you. Suddenly this new little person is your everything to protect and keep safe.  It all ran through my head like battering waves from will she be healthy, to will she fit in at nursery, at school, will she be a good person, will she be safe.  I’ve always been a heart on my sleeve sort of gal and sensitive but it’s at a whole new level since becoming a mum. 

Something has always stuck with me that my mum once said to me years ago.  She said ‘you are only on loan to me’.  I thought that was so sad when I first heard it but then it also seemed quite beautiful at the same time.  As parents we get the privilege to watch our children grow into these people and we can be there for them as long as they want us.   I know one day I will have to let my girl go and let her have her own adventures and travel the world like I did and like my mum did.  To quote from an incredibly well respected and high brow source; “children have got to be free to lead their own lives” never a truer word spoken than by Sebastian the crab from Disney’s The Little Mermaid.  These experiences will shape who she is as a person and I would never stand in her way.  But I also appreciate, selfishly, how hard it will be for me because as a parent you just want to protect your child and keep them safe. Once they are out in the big wide world you have to sort of take a back seat I guess. Which I can’t imagine is easy to do.

My mum is amazing and the sort of mum where all my mates at school liked coming round to chat to her in the kitchen, the hub of our family home.  She isn’t that sort of mum in Mean Girls who wants to be your best friend and dress the same, talk about boys and come out drinking with you she is just someone people are drawn to.   Her personality is just catching.  When you become a mum yes you change in many ways, like your priorities, but you are the same person. As I’ve got older and since becoming a mum I appreciate my own mum on so many levels now.  She is someone who is an incredibly inspirational  role model to me who, despite how hard it must have been to let go, always pushed me to try new things and have that sense of adventure.    I hope I can inspire my daughter in the same way one day but I have some great big shoes to fill.

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