The NCT…preserving your perineum

Louise Finch - 4 Jul 17

Did you ever do NCT classes?’ My younger sister asked over breakfast as I buttered my toast.
Hmmm now there’s a trip down memory lane.

Thirteen years ago , hubby and I were warmly greeted by our teacher for the six week course. Effervescent Sonia, a smiling, bra less vision with a mass of frizzy auburn hair and an aroma of peppermint tea.

‘Welcome all’ ..she breathed seductively, hands in prayer position as she bowed her head and wafted us through the door and into her opium den in deepest Herne hill.

Eight random strangers thrown together with our bumps and bounty books as we eagerly tried to squat our gargantuan asses low enough to rest on the hippy cushions which were scattered into a circle of trust.

First up in the group were Cynthia & Roger…highly intelligent, highly strung and highly irritating due to them swallowing the Gina Ford book on the way over, across a shared quinoa salad.

‘I’m Roger and I’m massaging Cynthia’s Perineum at least twice nightly with olive oil’ He proudly announced by way of introduction to the wide eyed circle.

‘Although Cynthia prefers Almond butter as it throws up less nasties’ he powered on, with great authority and a knowing nod.

‘Isn’t he wonderful’ gushed Cynthia, cheeks flushed… presumably due to the comforting extent of her intensely moisturised Perineum.

They took a moment to lock eyes intensely and speak something truly unspoken.

‘For fuuuuuuck’s sake’ I heard the new dad next to me huff, under his breath and instantly I ear marked them as P.L.U’s ( people like us) and potential BFF’s in baby world.

Next up we had Trisha & Brian who frankly looked like they had been shot out of a cannon. Eyes wide with fear, they clutched tightly at each other’s cardigans and lovebeads

Brian actually put his hand up for fragrant Sonia to grant permission for him to speak. With her praying hands and eyes closed I wondered if she had momentarily nodded off or was simply counting the extortionate amount of cash she was making from us all

‘Er…Sonia, I wondered if Trisha and I would be allowed to have incense burning in the birthing room’ Brian ask tearily.

‘Yes, of course’ soothed Sonia from her downward dog position at the head of the circle.

‘I would really like to have frankincense burning as I contract’ pleaded Trisha, looking up at Brian like a rabbit facing a 4X4 on a sharp bend.
Brian nodded his solemn vow and squeezed Trisha tightly.

‘Bet he’s the type of man who cries when he cum’s’ I had heard myself mutter to hubby.

Hubby gave me a harsh dig in the ribs but relaxed when our PLU’s next door overheard and nodded in agreement. #phew

We moved swiftly onto breastfeeding. Roger hastily volunteered himself for the strap on fake breast and nipple to generously demonstrate to us idiots with real breasts, how it should be done.

The strap on tit and accompanying tiny tears doll were placed delicately on his puffed up chest before Sonia retreated back into her own bubble, folding herself slowly into a lotus and breathing on a sheesha pipe.

We listened intently as she cooed earnestly about the importance of latching on correctly, while all the while a glazed eyed Roger gently squeezed the fake nipple between thumb and forefinger …A pious look plastered across his pale little vegan face.

‘Breast is best’ he asserted, as he snapped out of his tit in a trance mode and came back in the room.

‘I can’t breastfeed as I had my tits done’ drawled new BFF mum, stifling a yawn and eyeballing the bourbons which had been promised as included in the course price.

‘Is it true Sonia, that giving a blow job can help bring on the birth if you go over your due date?’ Asked BFF’s husband randomely

‘That’s your medical cure for everything’ his wife tutted.

‘Well, technically er…yes and no’ said Sonia vaguely ‘but we’ll settle on no for this week shall we….now let’s breathe and push for ten’

Brian & Trisha held each other a little tighter at this unexpected outburst over in the heathen corner ..whilst Cynthia & Roger looked at fake tits with condescending pity.

I waited will bated, peppermint tea breath, fully expecting Roger to offer up Cynthia’s colostrum to my new and enhanced BFF.

I looked to Sonia for more guidance but she had vanished …then I had spotted her suspended from the ceiling on a large rubber bounce ball, rubbing her pelvis back and forth a little too frantically or so it seemed.

‘Keeping ones pelvic floor in check is vital even before baby arrives’ Sonia moaned from the heavens above …and somewhere in the near distance we heard Brian’s guitar gently weep.

Ahhh yes, good old NCT…

‘Worth every penny’ I tell me sister as I push her almond butter to the back of the cupboard and plump for the marmite instead

Lou Finch
41 3/4

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Louise Finch

I am a 42 year old mummy of two boys ( 12 & 7) I used to be a Booker with Elite Models but set up my own business 'style philosophy' - personal shopping & styling to fit around my youngest little boy who has cystic fibrosis. I have started climbing mountains like a crazy woman to raise money to support CF to help my little man who climbs his own mountain daily. Currently I am lecturing at The London College of Style and began writing a comedy blog about 9mths ago which I absolutely love doing and really just hope it gives you all a good old laugh. Lou xxxx

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