The Only Affair You Ever Need To Have Is With Yourself

Ashley Parker - 14 Feb 18

The only affair you ever need to have is with yourself.

When I first started out as a relationship therapist, one of the most memorable things I heard was a colleague saying,

‘Why can’t I just have an affair’

I had no idea what she meant and was a little taken aback.

It turns out she wasn’t asking for an affair, but in fact she was wishing for an ‘affair’ case.

At the time I remember thinking that was probably my biggest fear…I mean surely when there has been an affair that’s probably the worst case scenario right?

Wrong.

The worst case scenario for me as a therapist is being faced with two people who are completely polarized.

Being faced with one longing to stay together, the other not and both looking to me to wave a magic wand and fast track them to where they want to be.

Just to be clear…I’m certainly not minimising or disregarding the damaging effects an affair can have.

And from a therapeutic point of view, an affair obviously comes with a whole host of shit…

BUT, the energy is high from both sides.

There’s the partner who has been in the throes of lust and excitement and simultaneously often the partner on the other side who has been thrown in to their very own shit storm of emotions…perhaps feelings that had temporarily felt absent.

Loss

Despair

Anger

Desperation

And the less discussed longing for their partner that they haven’t felt for years.

Not every couple wants to stay together, but if they’ve come through the door – there’s usually a willingness.

This renewed energy can sometimes be the springboard for a new and improved union and brings a tsunami of change if they withstand the storm.

So when I was having my own love affair with Made In Chelsea (yes the TV show which is a bit like Marmite…you either love it or hate it)  one of the characters was caught up in the dizzy heights of the a lusty liaison  in its infancy whilst on a break from his long term girlfriend; it got me thinking…

The break in the relationship (on the show) was supposed to be about them having time on their own.

A taste of the single life before settling down with one another. Of course this didn’t quite pan out the way either of them planned…I mean does it ever?  And in lieu of nurturing a love affair with himself…he jumped straight in to the next girl’s bed.

It’s amazing how we can move through life hopping from one relationship to another…with little time to ever cultivate that self love.And yet what I’ve noticed is the happiest and healthiest relationships are the ones where each partner is as in love with them selves as they are their partners. The ones who seemed to get the memo that in order to love anyone fully, you have to love yourself.

As Mothers, wives, sisters, girlfriends, women we are so conditioned to believe that loving ourselves is selfish and wrong.

We are led to believe that a ‘good’ Woman is the backbone of the family.

But it’s easy to fall out of love with these ideas.

It’s easier than ever to see that there’s more and it’s there for the taking.

When these ideas and stories are a little more ingrained, they can take a while to dislodge…

But when you take the first step and you make that first move on yourself you almost instantly feel that flutter.

The energy rises and you feel excited.

You can once again become excited about the unknown and every day has that potential because every day you make discoveries that have lay dormant or you didn’t even know were there.

So yes, whilst I have seen affairs at times, be the killer or the cure of  a relationship, I’m certainly NOT advocating this…it’s not the answer.

I am however urging you to start a love affair with yourself today.

Let’s bust the myth that we need to love everyone else before ourselves…when you love yourself, there’s so much more for everyone else.

Ashley Parker

Mother, birth junkie, relationship therapist, creator of Mother's Little Helper affirmation sets and all around lover of strong, fierce women who are doing their thing - whatever that may be!

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