The Parenting Lesson my Adult Son Taught me.

Lauren Derrett - 7 Aug 16

I have 4 children, I say children the eldest is now 20! It feels so strange to think I have an adult child?!

When I had him I never thought beyond the times of starting school, and then before you know it you’re in full pelt non stop parenting mode and the years just flash by.

I’m not going to tell you to enjoy every minute as they’ll be grown soon, getting to the grown part is really bloody hard work, you’ll have days where you wish it by and days where you’ll drink it in, you don’t need to be told what you should be doing, some days you may just be surviving!

Anyhow, my son, he did grow. When he was little, I told him he could be anything, do anything, be anyone. I parented him gently and showered him with affection, I often told him he was my entire world.

Through the teenage years he broke my heart in a million different ways, we drifted apart and we worked hard on bringing us back, it’s been one of the most intense relationships of my life. He dropped out of college I supported him, he hit some very dark days where he searched and searched for a reason why he found life so hard when on paper he had it all.  He had the realisation that it wasn’t as simple as, you can be anything you want to be, have anything you want to have. I think he felt I had lied to him, fed him fairy tales that had no happy endings, he was so so lost looking for this magical world that we as parents promise them when they’re small.

And then he decided he wanted to go to Australia, to travel, to see a bit of the world. I was so happy that this may be the thing that makes him happy, so together we made it happen. He had his ticket, he was leaving.

Leading up to the day he would actually leave not only me and his siblings but also the country we lived in. I sucked up as much time with him as he would spare me, and at one lunch date, he taught me the biggest lesson that I’ve learnt in parenting and I want to pass it on to you.

We were chatting and I was talking about how I was setting up a business, that now the kids were growing I was going to find something for me, that I had devoted my life (to this point) to my children, and left myself behind, that they were my world and it was a sacrifice I was more than happy to make, but that it was soon to be my time.

With that, his eyes filled with tears, he seemed lost for words, and then he spoke;

“I’m so so pleased mum, I have felt so much guilt throughout my life, watching you live through us, us being your sole purpose and your happiness, it’s been such a huge weight to bare”

The relief in him was so clear to see, he looked at me with new eyes, I had become an actual person in front of him, not just his mum, an rusty anchor hanging off of him, weighing him down.

And for a second, it felt good. I felt a little of the old me return. I felt strong!

But then of course mum guilt kicked in and I realised that when being a mum we’re told how to be. We become sacrificial,  living for our children, putting our hopes and dreams, wants and needs aside as our children are more important. Getting their hopes up for a world of hope and possibilities for them only to grow and see the true reality of rents and bills and day to day drudgery and come crashing down to a world of despair that they have no skills to navigate.

I can’t have regrets or guilt as I know I was doing what I thought was my best, but, with the beauty of hindsight I wish I had of kept a big part of me so that my son saw me for the person I am, not just a servant to him. I wish he had watched me achieve in my own right and share my personal victories with him, rather than sitting waiting for him to be victorious and share it with me. I wish he had seen behind the scenes, how hard I had to work and how scary it was when I couldn’t find the rent money or how I shopped so savvily it meant I could treat them to a trip to the cinema.

Instead I put a smile on it, hid the burdens from him, for the good of him.

And now I think that by my hiding it, I was actually adding to his burdens.

So now, with my 4th child (4) I am parenting him slightly differently. I’m running my own business, I blog (obvs) because I love it and it enriches me, I read a shed load of self help books to help grow me, it feels like my personal growth has been stunted for 20 years.  I will be telling him that he can only be what he wants if he really applies himself and works damn hard for it, I will show him me, and of course plenty of time telling him how much I love him.

I now think that I’m doing what’s best by my child by saving some of my life for me. It’s not selfish, it’s healthy for both me and him but only time will tell if this way ends up different?!

And as for my eldest son, he’s in Australia still trying to get to grips with the daily grind, still searching for the fairy-tale.

Parenting is a constant game of trial and error, there will be lessons learnt and a fair amount of I wish I hads but as long as we keep trying, then we’re doing our best, and that my darling, is all we can do.

Lauren Derrett

I'm Lauren, Founder of Wear 'em Out, reusable period pads for the empowered eco-curious. Mother of 4, Step-Mother of 2, I've been parenting for 24 years so have seen and learned a lot of stuff

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