The Rise of Convenient Parenting, and How It Affects Unsettled Babies

Aine Homer - 13 Apr 18

Socially and culturally we have shifted.

We believe that becoming a parent shouldn’t really change us, change what we do or how we live.

I know many parents who do not really understand what being a parent is about. They have not had to sacrifice their social lives for the sake of their children, they have grandparents supporting them all the time. They put their children in nursery for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week so that they can have a career, they are happy to let other people raise their children with their values rather than developing family values.

I do not judge these people, I have done or wanted all this. I have tried to have a career and a family. I wanted my child to have as little impact on me as possible, and then I realised why I had children. It was more than an excuse to visit FAO Schwartz and play the ‘Big’ Piano.  (Although I still plan to do this and I cannot wait!) It was to start another chapter in my life. It was to have a different experience of the world.

And I also know and appreciate that not everyone has the luxury of working from home, or not working. I merely suggest that in our world, we want to have it all.

We want our careers. We want our children. We want, we want, we want. And in wanting it all, we want easy babies. We want the babies of magazine covers and TV commercials. So when our baby cries, we want them to stop, this is natural. And when we cannot console them, we look for answers. The first answers that society and our medics offer are ‘colic’ and ‘purple crying’.

We have developed new terms to allow us to be free of guilt, free of thinking and free of really listening to our babies.

You see, I do not believe in colic, and I think Purple Crying is a term used to allow parents to not listen to their babies and experience the true meaning of being a parent.

So what are colic and purple crying?

Babies cry, this is true. However, babies never cry for no reason.

Both terms: colic, and purple crying; teach us that sometimes babies do cry, inconsolably, for hours on end, for weeks and perhaps months; and this is okay because they will “grow out of it”.

But what will they grow out of?

Will they grow out of asking for help?

Will they grow out of trusting their parents?

Will they grow out of believing they have a voice?

You see, babies cry to communicate. It is up to us, their parents, to figure out why they are crying.

It might be that they are in pain or discomfort (such as reflux), it might be that they are overtired, it might be that they just want a hug from mum, it could be that baby has seen too much today and is over-stimulated.

Colic is officially defined as “crying for 3 hours a day, at least 3 days a week, for at least 3 weeks”. This is the most unhelpful definition. If your baby is screaming for 3 hours in a day, there is something wrong. It could be that their “routine” is out of sync with their needs, are they getting overstimulated too often and therefore too tired? Are they reacting to something in their food and so are uncomfortable and trying to tell you this? Where there is a repeatable pattern like this, there is a reason. In my work, I have always found that colic is associated with digestive discomfort, and this is 100% resolvable with the right support.

Purple Crying[1], is defined as a period of development from 2 weeks to 3 or 4 months of age when your baby will cry more. The word PURPLE defines the expression of this crying as “Peak of crying (at 2 months), Unexpected, Resists Soothing, Pain-Like Face, Long Lasting, and Evening crying more frequent”.

It allows parents to think that inconsolable crying is “normal” and that they need do nothing about. It teaches parents to neglect their instincts of interpreting their own baby’s crys. It allows parents to believe that they can and should do nothing to support their baby during this ‘phase’.

The truth is, that purple crying is just another phrase to get parents and professionals off the hook for really paying attention to babies and trusting that babies have feelings and can communicate, albeit using their own primitive language.

What is “convenient parenting”?

This is my term, it is an approach to parenting where baby has minimal impact on the parent’s lives. It allows parents to continue their social lives, careers and past-times without any regard for the introduction of a new member to the family.

Colic, and purple crying give parents the explanation and permission slip to ignore their baby’s efforts to communicate.

Lest we forget, every single one of us spoke our baby’s language somewhere between 20 and 50 years ago. Saying that you don’t know what your baby is trying to communicate is an excuse. You have been taught that you don’t need to observe and listen to your baby. You have been lead to believe that you need some super-power to figure out what your baby is saying.

You don’t. You can trust yourself. You can listen to your gut instincts. You can believe that you are the expert in your baby, because you are.

When your baby next cries, listen and observe. Your baby uses their whole body to communicate. If they are arching their back, they are feeling some discomfort in their oesophagus. If your baby cries for hours in the evening and then suddenly settles when they pass wind, they are suffering with digestive upset, and you can support them by changing what goes into their food, and how they consume it.

And when your baby cries, console them. Even if they are inconsolable, the closeness, smell and comfort that they get from their parents is important to them. To know that you are looking out for them and doing whatever you can for them. Just holding can be enough to make sure this bond strengthens, even if you cannot relieve their pain immediately.

Trust yourself. You are the expert in your baby.

Aine Homer

Becoming a mum changed Aine Homer, far more than she ever bargained for. Her inconsolable baby girl couldn't be out of her arms, screamed day and night, didn't sleep and Aine was told that this was normal, and that she needed to toughen up. The chronic sleep deprivation lead to a long acquaintance with post natal depression. Her unique background of mechanical engineering and Traditional Chinese Medicine however, wouldn't accept these answers. She knew in her heart that there was something going on for her baby. With diagnoses of colic followed by silent reflux and then cow's milk protein allergy, Aine's daughter continued to suffer with no answers from the healthcare system. Aine's belief that there is always a cause for something lead her on a path of discovery. After months of research, reading and figuring things out, Aine discovered the causes of reflux and she resolved her baby's suffering where others had not been previously able to help. Her stint with post natal depression lasted three years and resulted in Aine asking many questions including "did I make a mistake becoming a mum?", "is being parents going to ruin my marriage?" She made her escape from post natal depression when she vowed to herself to use her knowledge to save other families the suffering hers had endured. She wrote and published The Baby Reflux Lady's Survival Guide and truly became The Baby Reflux Lady.

View profile for posts, events and more info