The Second Judgement

Rebecca White - 31 Jul 18

When a woman falls pregnant, it is widely known that the rest of society feel it is their right, some even their duty, to comment on you, your body, your pregnancy, your unborn child. When the baby is born, again, it is fair game for strangers in the street to tell you how to parent your child, what your child needs at that precise moment or to comment on your post-pregnancy figure. As a first-time Mum, if you didn’t expect it at the outset, you soon become accustomed to it, even if at times it riles you or leaves you feeling judged. I have always been one to take it on the chin. Yes, at times it has pissed me off. At times I have wished I was a witty person with a quick fire response (but I’m not, and I’m sleep deprived, so the retort always comes to me about three minutes too late), but ultimately, I have just let it go and carried on with my life.

What has floored me as a mother are the comments, the questions, the criticism, the judgement over having a second child and it is this I cannot shake off like I have before. I have always been open about wanting more than one child. Having my daughter has done nothing to change that, if anything, it has made me more certain I do not want to stop at one. I am an only child, and while I had a wonderful childhood, I always wanted a sibling and my mother, if she had had the choice, would have given me one in an instant. I have many reasons why, personally for me, I would never choose to have just one child. I appreciate there are factors at play here that are outside of my control and I accept that. I appreciate that for many they only want one child, that is their personal choice, it is right for them, for their circumstances, I respect and support that. So why over the last few months have I been made to feel so guilty, so judged for being open about wanting to give my daughter the chance to be a big sister?

I do not shout from the rooftops that I want another baby, but if I am asked, then I reply, yes, I would like another soon. ‘So when are you having the second?’ is a question women with one child get asked on a near daily basis. If you are going to pull apart my answer and cross-examine me, in fact, if you are even going to ask me to justify why I want another child before my daughter is three, then why are you asking?

What if the second baby is difficult? What if they don’t sleep? What if you have a difficult pregnancy? What if you can’t cope? What if it breaks you?

When have you heard those questions put to a woman who says they want their first child? I am an intelligent woman, I know a second child could be wildly different from the first, but that is part of the joy of everyone having their own personality. More to the point, I am a bloody good Mum. I am not saying I am perfect or I always feel like I have firm grasp of this parenting malarkey, but I am a good Mum. I know I can cope, I am made of strong stuff. I do not have to justify this to you. I have been told in the last year that I have taken to motherhood naturally, that I am in my element, that motherhood suits me. If you think this of me, why is there doubt that I can do it a second time?

If you are not prepared to accept my answer then don’t ask me the question. I am angry that I am the one left feeling judged, made to justify what is, after all, something to be celebrated – someone wanting to bring a new life into a loving home. I do not need to dwell on the ‘what ifs’ because there are three things of which I am certain. My daughter will be a brilliant big sister. We have so much love to give a second child. I can cope, I will cope, I am a good Mum.

Rebecca White

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