Raising Teenagers The ‘Winging It’ Way

Lorna Dahle - 27 Feb 16

A friend recently shared an article on Facebook about “The Secrets to Raising Teens”. Everything about the article – including the title – made me cringe. I found it so utterly saccharine and condescending in the way it referred to teenagers – talking about loving their pimply faces and long limbs. As if they were just overgrown toddlers with an attitude. I am a parent to two teenagers – a son and a daughter, 17 and 14 respectively. I was just 20 when I had my boy; all my friends were out doing whatever people of that age do and I was on my own with a baby. There was no internet packed full of well-meaning parenting advice. I had no choice but to wing it and then, before I knew it, my lovely little people had become teenagers. I had somehow muddled through those hideous years of packed lunches and school gate cliques and here I am with two nearly-adults living in my house.

I have an issue with people claiming to have “The Secret” to raising babies, children, teenagers. There are no secrets, there are no guidelines. Nobody is an expert, we are all just doing the best we can. Every parent’s experience is different, obviously, according to all manner of circumstances. Thankfully, for many parents offspring do not arrive in your home as fully fledged teenage whirlwinds. From the moment your child arrives you search hopelessly for a guide book, realise there isn’t one and then make up the rules as you go along. After some good days and some bad days, and a huge chunk in the middle that you just can’t remember, your tiny delightful human becomes a teenager and the fun continues.

The thing about the teenage years is that they go on for almost a decade. At the beginning, your son or daughter is still a child. Remember being 13? I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Several years of trekking through the jungle that is 16,17,18 and your child emerges as an adult with fully formed opinions about the world, the legal right to do things you may or may not approve of, and (hopefully) the skills and desire to set out on their own path.

I can’t advise anyone about parenting teenagers, I can’t share my “secrets”, I can’t tell you what it will be like. I can only share my experiences and what I have learned from my seventeen years of making it up as I go along.

 – Messy bedrooms are not worth stressing or fighting over. I grew up in a house that was immaculately clean and tidy. As a teenager my room was never a mess because my mother would clean, tidy, rearrange while I was at school. I had no privacy or autonomy within that space so I endeavour to ensure that my children have the opposite experience. I do not go in their bedrooms unless they are there, and I always knock first. Their rooms are not tidy. It’s where cups go to die. This does not affect me or my life in any way – it is their choice. If my son has to clear a path to get to bed, that’s his problem. I want my children to understand that I am not a housekeeper, there is no fairy who picks up after them. If they leave dirty clothes on their floor then that is where they will stay.

 – Talking of laundry, I have encouraged my two to do their own washing since they were quite young. I can’t be doing with grown adults who can’t use a washing machine and still bring laundry home for their mum. Neither of my kids have suffered any ill effects from doing this. I also taught my son how to iron his shirts (he has to wear a suit for school) which he now does last thing on a Sunday evening in a tired rush. He may well look a little crumpled but he achieved those crumples independently and that makes my heart happy.

 – Ah, the attitude and the grumpiness. This is not a myth. I swear that my son became a grunting grump at the stroke of midnight on his 13th birthday. He was a living embodiment of the ‘Kevin the teenager’ cliche. At times he was utterly unlikeable. This is absolutely normal and okay – you are not obliged to like your children at all times. It in no way negates the love you have for them. With my daughter, it was a little different. She’s a cryer not a grumper. And when cycles sync…just make sure you have very sturdy doors in your house because there is every possibility that they are going to get slammed.

 – I am not their friend, I am their parent. I love spending time with my children, they are intelligent, witty and hilarious people with good table manners and filthy senses of humour. But I am their mother, not their peer – it is my job to guide and advise them based on my incredible levels of expertise and life experience. I know many people say their mum is their best friend and that’s great, I’m happy for them. But I don’t aim for a friendship with my kids, I am so much more than that. It’s really hard to explain without sounding like a hard-faced cow so I’ll assume you know what I mean and move on.

 – Alcohol. Hmmm. That’s a tough one but pretty inevitable. Everyone has different opinions and ideas regarding teenagers and alcohol and as a parent you can only ever do what you believe to be correct based on the fact that you know your children better than anyone else. I grew up with a non-drinking mother and a solitary-binge-drinking stepfather. I didn’t really drink alcohol until I was about 17 and I wasn’t particularly fussed by it (that changed later). Now, as an adult, I enjoy drinking. I like wine with my meal, or a pint of good ale. My children have seen me when I’ve had one too many, they’ve also witnessed me the day after a big night out. There’s no glamourising here. If my children ever asked to try some wine or beer when they were younger, I would let them. The teeniest sip would result in a scrunched up face and a disgusted reaction. I suppose I believe in the “if you forbid it, they’ll want it more” school of thought. The majority of teenagers are going to want to drink at some point and telling them not to won’t achieve anything. Demonising alcohol makes it more appealing.

 – I am old and embarrassing. There are only 20 years between me and my son but it may as well be 200. I’m not a particularly sensible grown-up type and I get a lot of joy from embarrassing the pair of them. I consider it my duty. My daughter hates it when I shout at other drivers (“Mummy, your window is open, they might hear you!”), or tell people off in public for being rude. I’m sure my son isn’t best pleased about my Elvis singing on the drive to school. Even if I were cool (whatever that means), my kids would not consider me so. Those are our roles and, I have to say, I thoroughly enjoy mine.

 – Whatever the age difference between you and your teenager, it is still a long time since you were one – the world is a difference place. Whilst there’s no doubt that all kids love their parent’s “in my day” soliloquies, it’s really important to actually listen to what they have to say about being a teenager now. We can share our wisdom gained from hundreds of years of hardship and dial-up internet but our children are forming their own, entirely valid, opinions about life, politics, religion, sport, music, etc. You might not like their taste in music or clothes but that is completely the point. Our parents didn’t like ours either. It is this disapproval that keeps the world turning.

 – The internet. Oh god, this is a minefield that I would never even consider telling anyone how to approach. It’s one of the toughest aspects of being a parent. My attitude has always been Teach Them, Trust Them. I can’t police all their online activity. I have to trust that they have listened to my advice and will tell me if there is ever a problem.

Just as a disclaimer, I am not The World’s Best Mother and my kids are not Little Angels. I have had massive, dramatic fights with both of them about something or other over the years. We’ve all taken turns in storming out of the room/house and saying terrible things to each other. There have been times when I wished the pair of them would bugger off and live with their dad. They can be bloody obstinate, rude, ungrateful, entitled, lazy, loud, revolting, and smelly. And I wouldn’t want to be without them. Because I am hoping (I’m pretty certain) that they are going to become intelligent, humorous, kind and purposeful adults. So if your children are plummeting towards the teenage years, don’t despair. Love them, listen to them, encourage them and you will probably all emerge unscathed at the other end. Or put them into boarding school and go on a cruise for the next few years.   

Lorna Dahle

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