The Statue Strategy And Other Sleep Techniques Hidden By The Experts

Outmumbered - 15 Dec 16

I need fresh water in my bottle; I’m scared of head, shoulders, knees and toes; I’m not lying down; and, my personal favourite because it makes me feel like I am really active- mummy go running it’s daddy turn. (I must add here that my runs are sporadic and provide me with peace and quiet, not a trim waistline and firm buttocks!) All of the above are the ‘creative’ reasons and excuses my toddler concocts for not sleeping. His bedtime routine was, once upon a time: 3 books, 1 song and a kiss- job done in 15 minutes. Then we had another child. Me and my hubby found ourselves stressing about our toddler’s reluctance to sleep and frantically hitting the keyboard for online, expert articles on the matter.

After lots of online ‘sleep searching’ (it seems that this subject is very popular!), I have found the following techniques to be the ones that I regularly employ- especially when I notice the time ticking ever so closely to the start of GBBO. These methods will not be found in any of the experts’ books- I believe that whilst parents are sat on the stairs, timing how long it is before they can go back in to the bedroom and settle their child again, the experts have smugly saved these techniques to use on their own children! They are methods that many parents find filed away in the part of the brain entitled- ‘Things You Know You Shouldn’t Do. But You End Up Doing Anyway For An Easy Night. And They Sometimes Work’

1. The Statue Strategy.

It must be noted from the start that you should choose your position very wisely before you even contemplate The Statue Strategy- I have, on numerous occasions, lost the feeling in various limbs because I rushed into this strategy too quickly. DO NOT be sat with your legs tucked under and DO make sure you are able to make a stealth-like exit from your position and out of the room. Your child will test you, during this strategy- finger in your eye; squeezing your nose; gently pulling your hair. STAY STRONG and do not move an inch- your child will sense any movement and it’s game-over, back to the start line.

2. The Actor Approach.

My husband is an expert in this method. I would go as far as to say that his performance is Oscar-worthy! He is able to act asleep for at least an hour and, for extra authenticity, he even throws in some random snorts. Acting asleep is a bit more comfortable than The Statue strategy because you are able to make small, slow movements. You may be required to have a sneaky look at your child- do this with one eye, which should be slowly opened and quickly closed.

3. The Excuse Tactic

This requires some thinking-on-your-feet (which is quite a skill, when you are sleep deprived AND having to take deep breaths to maintain your calm composure). I gently stroke my child’s head and an excuse is automatically spewed out- ‘Mummy needs a wee’ works well and (don’t judge) but I have even used my baby as an excuse to leave the room- ‘Mummy needs to check on your baby brother who is crying.’ Excuses that DO NOT work are- ‘I need to do some tidying’, which just triggered the response of, “I can come and tidy with you.” And, “I need to check on the peppers that I have just remembered are in the oven and have been roasting away for the last two hours and will probably set the smoke alarm off any moment,” does not wash with a two year old. Who is suddenly reminded of food and begins to ask for a biscuit. Repeatedly.

4. The Boring Method.

When arguing with my husband about our child’s preference to him reading the bedtime story over me, I actually shouted the phrase (with maybe a little sniffle thrown in for extra dramatics), “But I do the voices and everything!” And at that precise moment, it dawned on me…I was too much fun! Take The Gruffalo- I have mastered the precocious voice of the mouse; Gruffalo’s ‘he-could-eat-the-mouse-at-any-moment’ nature; and snake’s villainous attitude. And that was my flaw- my son was having too much fun, whilst I was deeply engrossed in the deep, dark wood and trying to keep it entertaining (mainly for myself) for the gazzillionth time. But no more…when I see any sign of my son enjoying the book, I reign myself in, and out comes my low monotonous voice. I find this approach to be most testing when my son asks for the books that are actually songs- I used to transport myself to Manchester Arena and sing ‘We All Go Travelling By’ to my adoring fans. But no more…I read the lyrics with the least amount of tune I can muster. This method, unlike the others, can be repeated as many times as required- I often work my way through the complete works of Julia Donaldson before my son even itches his eye.

So, if your child suddenly decides that life without going to sleep is so much more fun, don’t worry about opening the filing cabinet and grabbing at any of the techniques you find works best. It won’t be long until our toddlers are teenagers and we are searching for help on how to get them to wake up. Right?

Outmumbered

I'm Abigail Keeble. I teach teenagers and I am a mum to two boys. Despite the whole pregnancy and labour malarkey, my boys are a mini version of my husband. I am learning on the job.

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