Stupid things I’ve thought as a parent

Fin O'Driscoll - 26 Aug 16

Well I’m glad that phase is over

Like Glenn Close rising from the bathtub in that film with Michael Douglas, that horrible behaviour will resurface once again. When you’re least expecting it.

I’m glad my child isn’t like that one.
Yeah, your time will come. Whatever horrible behaviour you witness on the playground your child is sure to indulge in it at some point, usually timed for maximum embarrassment.

If the kids weren’t around I’d get so much done. 
Oh really? Have a long hard look at your pre-child life, when you had time and sleep and sanity. Did you really get that much done? Did you? Even now when my kids aren’t around I get chuff all done; I’m usually grappling a particularly aggressive hangover if they’re away for the weekend and if it’s midweek I spend my time buying shit for them that they don’t need.

Well, don’t we all look smart
Even the act of thinking this ensures that within 10 seconds one of the kids will be face down in a puddle whilst the other one wipes his nose on the back of my dress… and like a fool I thought I would risk a dry clean only number. Dammit.

Aw, I’ll just go and check if they’ve settled.
No! It’s a trap! This one really only holds for the first 3 years of a child’s life, but what a 3 years it is. First there’s the ‘Oh god, they’ve stopped breathing’ phase, followed by the refusing to be put down phase, followed by the limpet like grip on your hand phase, followed by the waking up and singing every time they hear a floorboard creak phase, followed by the mummy sitting on the stairs drinking gin and quietly weeping phase. I think at this point evolution kicks in and they realise they’re not going to make it to adulthood if they keep pulling this shit, so things tend to calm down a bit. (At least it did for us, if you’re still going through this I salute you. *pours gin on the floor in libation.)

Is that safe?  The second you think this, idly watching them in the playground, you can guarantee at least one of them will end up spread-eagled in the mud with a top lip swelling up like a Kardashian’s.

We’re not doing anything fancy for their party this year. It will be very low key. 
There is no such thing as a low key children’s party. If you place over 10 children together, offer an activity like karaoke or trampolining and sprinkle on huge amounts of sugar there will be stress and chaos. It’s like putting on a fireworks display inside the church hall. It might look pretty but it costs a fortune and everything will be ruined by the end.

[In the supermarket] I’m sure we’re fine for snacks
You are NEVER fine for snacks. They are ravenous beasts whose hunger cannot be contained. Always buy more snacks.

[In the supermarket] I’m sure we’re fine for wine
Ditto

“Everything’s Rosie, everything’s Ro-ho-ho-sie, everything’s fun when your friends are around.” 
Out of all the children’s theme tunes this is the absolute worst. Oh god, I’ve done it again. Now I’ve summoned it, this will be all I can think for the next 72 hours. Help me. Heeeellllp meee.

Fin O'Driscoll

Writes funny

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