View as: GRID LIST
The Summer Loving Guide for DADS
He claims he has no knowledge of these events, but I always hail this as the true start of summer – which does something funny to his sex drive. In fact on a highly unscientific investigation of about three female friends, it seems this is high rutting season for the common British male.
Who knew??
My
The trouble, of course, is that this doesn’t necessarily (or indeed often) coincide with the mercurial sex drive of your average, knackered, common-or-garden British Mum. Her seasons are (from another half-hearted survey),
But never fear, summer lover-Dads! I’m here to help you bridge this gap and satisfy your inner spaniel!
WOOF!
If you are the father of small children and still getting your rocks off with their mother willy, er, nilly, then hurrah for you, stud muffin! This article is not for you. Neither is it for you if you and/or your partner and/or your relationship don’t conform to any sort of stereotype. Excellent work – go read something else.
However, I’m **pretty** sure there are many men out there who are
I feel your pain, boys, I really do. (Or at least I think that’s what’s digging into my hip).
The stark truth is that if you have a mum-on-the edge in your life – it doesn’t mean she’s going to push back harder. She may even be pushing you away harder instead.
There. I’ve said it.
For most of us, post-kid sex is not the same as pre-kid sex, and
So I’m going to attempt to help get us going (ooo, er missus) with a step-by-step hump-guide for Dads. Here’s how to get it ON this summer, when frankly she’s rather gone OFF the whole canoodling caboodle…
Give it some time
Here’s the thing – brace
And it isn’t necessarily just the physical stuff. Yes there’s tearing and stitches, and prolapses etc. (Hell I didn’t even use my lady bits to expel my small people, and it still hurt like a womble-flommer when I used it again – FOR MONTHS.
Any hoo, sometimes it takes the lady folk a little while to feel the same way about the ol’ vag, too, once it’s had a baby-battering. It is no longer the shiny pink playground it was before – physically or metaphorically. Be patient.
And wank.
2. Give it a rest
Pestering, or continually pointing out how long it’s been seen you last got some, is not sexy. Letting her know you’re counting the days, weeks or months since you last danced
Never, ever, EVER mention your ‘needs’.
This will result in injury; followed by more abstinence.
Lower your expectations
I have heard of women high on the oxytocin of birth and bonding getting the horn, but I’m going to go out on another limb here and tell you that it’s an exception rather than a hard and fast rule. No hard and fast for you. Down boy.
Basically after you’ve been expecting, you’re best off not
You may have to settle for a nice cuddle.
When things do get back up and running, you’ll pretty likely have to settle for perfunctory missionary that gets everyone’s rocks off without the trouble of getting their socks off. Wham, bam, thank you Mam(ma).
If you were once into kamasutra marathons and tantric sexathons, forget it. If you once prided yourself on your stamina, get over it. No one has the time and energy for that kind of b*llocks, now. I don’t care if you ARE both floating sky high on the
Get each other off and get to bloody sleep.
Beware of boobs
These may no longer be your personal fun bags, fellas. Sorry. They may be sore, bleeding, blocked; she may be sick of everyone constantly hanging off them, she may mutter darkly about ‘interfering with supply’, and she’s probably going to view them more as udders than
Even if the boobies in your life have not been called into active service for your new small people, don’t assume they’re still fair game. Ask. This is generally good advice in most situations. Yes you’ve known each other’s intimate territory intimately and possibly for some time – but this is a brand new, brave new world. Explore it carefully. (Not least because they may squirt you in the fact once the oxytocin DOES start flowing. Be warned).
Foreplay has changed
Yip, it is no longer
Remember though, foreplay no longer involves things like massages, snogging, dry humping and oral exploration. Basically it now involves doing the washing up.
Look, you’ve got to cut through all the other crap going on in her head (and life) to get sexy time moved up (or onto) the agenda.
If she’s thinking about getting the tea sorted, remembering to add nappies to the shopping list, steralising the next set of
Yes, all of this stuff is going through her mind. Yes, at all times.
If you help cut down this To Do list, you’re in with a far, far better chance of getting down and dirty.
Strap on those marigolds, cowboy, and put a bit of bleach down the toilets while you’re at it. (Nothing sexier than a clean bowl).
Empathise
The true key to a better sex life this summer is empathy. Suck it up, and you might even get sucked off. It might not even be your birthday!!!! It’s gotta be worth a try,
You’re going to have to listen to some of that crap running through her head. And most crucially, you’re going to have to resist giving her solutions. Yes, yes, I know you don’t get it. Just trust me on this. Go with sympathetic validation of her feelings unless SPECIFICALLY asked to express an opinion.
Nope.
Nuh uh.
Not even then.
Just do it. Your boom stick (and more importantly your spouse) will thank you for it.
Get inventive
It is likely that your pre-partum sex timetable has been significantly
This goes for the where as well as the when. You may have small interlopers in your actual bed, where it was traditionally sort of convenient to get horizontal. Time to repurpose the sofa/change table/cot the baby never actually bloody sleeps in anyway.
Romance has changed
She doesn’t want flowers and for
Don’t tell her she’s sexy – tell her she’s doing an amazing job of parenting your children. Don’t tell her she’s gorgeous – tell her that you’re proud of her. That you don’t know how she does it. Tell her you love how she loves your babies. That she’s the best mum
That sh*t is bound to get you into her mat-pants.
Good luck out there Dads!
You can do it.
And her. 😉
Mumonthenetheredge
fb/mumonthenetheredge