The Tyranny of Tantrums

Anniki Sommerville - 12 Jun 15

Do you like putting on your clothes? For me it’s always been an enjoyable thing. Standing in front of the wardrobe, reaching in to find something that suits my mood, then putting it back when I realise it needs ironing. Sometimes the planets are aligned and a look comes together. Other days you realise the eclectic look doesn’t work (you just look like a mad, old person). But overall putting on clothes is fairly innocuous and pleasant.

So why is it so stressful for toddlers?

This morning was a fairly typical example. I went into my daughter’s room, picked up two or three tops for her to choose from (thinking that I’d give her a sense of independence and choice) and that’s when it started. She didn’t want to wear those tops. She didn’t want to wear any tops. She didn’t want to wear a dress. She didn’t want to wear any dress. She very quickly became angry. It was disturbing how quickly it escalated. When it became too much (me trying to coax her into a top, she frantically fighting me off) I left the room and shut the door. I needed a breather. Putting on clothes was a battle. There was nothing pleasant or fun about it.

I know it’s normal for toddlers to have tantrums. It’s normal and there probably isn’t that much to do but the whole clothing battle is anxiety-making. You need kids to wear clothes. It’s sort of a base line requirement of parenting – your child wears clothes – that’s the deal. Some people have told me to choose my battles and just let my daughter walk about in her pyjamas all day until she grows out of it. But what if she doesn’t grow out of it? And isn’t that a sign of defeat? Isn’t the whole clothes thing non-negotiable? Like eating food, sleeping at night and not scratching the people you love? I’m worried if I get too lenient my power will be compromised. I want her to get dressed. Mornings are really stressful anyway as I’m trying to get out the door and get to work. There’s a time constraint. I feel a bit sad and depressed – is she picking up on these cues? Does she want to delay everything so she can spend more time with me (doubt it! I’m evil in the mornings!) or does she simply hate her clothes?

This morning I went back into the room after things had calmed down. I held up different tops and pointed out their relative benefits. I felt like I was one of Karl Lagerfeld’s terrified assistants trying to flog him a new design concept.

‘This one has a watermelon and sequins.’

‘Look this one has a cat with a balloon.’

‘This one is really cool and it’s got a lemon in the middle.’

Don’t offer her choice! I hear you shout. Leave her in her pyjamas you say. But really? What else can be done? I am beginning to think that maybe my daughter should go to bed in clothes for the following day. That way I just need to change her nappy and we’re good to go. Is that bad parenting?

It will pass. Like all things. But it doesn’t stop it from being frustrating. It means each day starts with tears. It gets tedious. Sometimes in the midst of one of these battles my daughter will stop and look up at me, ‘What’s wrong?’ I’ll ask her, ‘Is this drama really worth the bother?’ And she’ll look back at me. Just taking it all in. Her expression seems to say – ‘I don’t even know why I’m shouting Mum. I actually like that T-shirt.’ And for a brief moment peace will reign. A bird will sing on the telephone pole outside the window. The postman will whistle ‘Maggie May’ as he comes up the path. I will lower the T-shirt onto her head. We are almost there. But no it will start. Not this T-shirt. No T-shirt! The battle lines are re-drawn. The leggings that were on the legs come off. We are back to square one.

The woman with the small watermelon T-shirt standing in one corner. The furious naked toddler in the other.

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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