The ultimate home video

SJ Snelson - 9 Mar 16

Labour – I recorded it. (Warning – This gets graphic – and I’m not talking pixelated).

I have always regretted not having a videographer at my wedding – what with all the Triple JDs and Fizz on hand combined with my nerves and serious lack of appetite I remember very little of it. I just know I had an awesome time and I bleeping ached the next day from dancing hard.

I have also never missed an episode of one born. Not because I go mushy at a new born (I’m not really a great baby person) or because it hits that emotional spot (Only animals coming to harm seems to hit that). But more out of my sheer amazement that every woman has the stellar strength to push a coconut out of a pea or undergo a crazy big Op whilst being wide awake!! Amazed every single time! Amazed by the ability to survive this and that every lady does it in her very own way. I feel proud every time.

And so knowing that I will be aching like F**K after pushing my coconut through pea or having an emergency big op, and the huge possibility I may forget the details with the probable drugs and general business combined with a sleep deprived baby brain. I thought maybe I would like to remember this.

And so I googled One Born applications – Bugger I am not on schedule for their filming. And that was that …

But then I read that Abbie Clancy recorded hers and how she loves to watch it. The thought reappeared and wouldn’t go away.

I wanted to watch it and feel proud of me, I wanted to watch what my body can do, I wanted to never have the moment stolen by terrible memory. (And I reasoned if it was awful – I would delete it and pretend I never recorded it.)
So I put the idea to Mr O ‘I want you to record it’.

His face was completely unnerved – ‘Yep ok’ . Off he went to charge the camera, stationing it next to the hospital luggage haul. I was gobsmacked.

***

We didn’t get it all – just 10 hours including the vital bit at the end.

The video camera was placed on a windowsill at the side of my bed and turned on and off throughout. It remained there until I decided to live vicariously and play camera woman when Mr O cut the cord and then Mr O had a moment when he shoved the camera in the placenta whilst the midwife made sicky sounds – we are sooo grown up!!

Boy am I glad we have it recorded.

For one, how I remembered it and what actually happened, play like 2 completely different movies. Secondly, I found watching it healing. It’s a flash in time I would have most certainly lost to my brain’s editing and cropping.

It’s a moment we are so proud of and I love watching it – Unfiltered and red raw.

20 Moments I would have lost without video footage:

1. Speaking to the Midwife: ‘Why do you have a dentist torch?… Oh that’s why you have one.’ (with legs spread) ‘These bright lights are now only associated with all types of evil and invasion. Alien’s would come with lots of them.’

2. The Midwife stating as part of her handover: ‘Sarah is a little worried she is going to give birth to Brain out of Pinky and the Brain.’ (I had told her that I kept having awful dreams that my baby girl was a mix of Brain and Stewie out of Family Guy!!)

3. Turning to Mr O straight after a contraction to exclaim: ‘Sh!t we didn’t put the Prosecco in the fridge.’

4. ‘Ooo it’s calm in here’ a midwife utters on entering. I remember thinking – yes!! I am achieving calm – Go Me!! Haha.

5. Declaring ‘I am going to breathe this baby out – I’m too posh to push!!’ This was evidently before sh!zzle got real.

6. Stating ‘They should just take her out now’ like that is a plausible suggestion as I’ve had enough fun and want to go home for a cuppa and bourbon biscuit.

7. There is a moment when I am bouncing away on my birthing ball with Mr O behind me which looks very much like a porno – especially when Mr O looks and smirks at the camera. He claims it wasn’t intentional. Whatevs…

8. Holding Mr O to ransom and being promised ‘a castle, a moat and four shire horses’ for my troubles – I opted to trade this for personalised Air Max’s!! (Winner Winner).

9. The Doctor’s words: ‘Allow 1 hour for decent’. My face reads – F**K sh!t just got real.

10. The male Doctor chanting – ‘Go Girl!’ with unbelievable enthusiasm and gusto whilst eyeing up the nether regions. Worked a treat making me push just a little longer.

11. Enquiring : ‘Is my bum falling out? It must be, it feels like my bum has fallen out.’ I just wouldn’t accept that it was baby’s head and declared defeat. ‘I know it – I have a prolapsed bum’.

12. In the last 10 minutes I murmur (rather than scream – which is how I remember it) to my midwife ‘I can’t do any more – I’m so tired.’ Her response: ‘You are doing so well, stay strong, you are so calm’.
Please note: I am sure that had Mr O and my midwives not been present at this point I may have just stopped. They were my cheerleaders and I needed them.

13. The midwife encourages ‘One last push’ for the third time. I judiciously retort ‘You are just like a tae-bo exercise video – I know you’re lying to me’

14. The first and last time I swear during the video is when I am handed my Bambina – I exclaim ‘O F**K, She needs a wash’.

15. The second thing I say being: ‘She’s so hairy and has a big head’ – oops, I’m sure I was trying to say she’s beautiful.

16. The midwives chirping: ‘It was a really lovely birth’ and me replying instantly ‘ I would not describe it as that, I wish I didn’t moan so much’
Midwife: ‘You didn’t, I will remember this’
Me: ‘I could not have done it on my own and you are certifiably crazy!!’ (She had 6 children and another one in her belly – madness!!).

17. Bambina’s new born alien face with her little open blue eyes and misshapen head, all covered in gunk – but looking straight into the video lens all content and completely beautiful to me.

18. The raw raspy sound of Bambina’s first cry.

19. After having 4 different people stick their fingers up my beautifully torn arse and the most painful anaesthetic ever. Mr O asking me if I had any special requests, like an extra stitch, for the nurse sewing me back up. I cannot believe I did not slap him!!

20. Mr O telling me I am Supergirl (I’ll take that) followed by the overwhelming silence of happiness and wonder.

***

A little massive thank you to the midwives and doctors at Good Hope hospital on 15th August who supported us, and totally understood us as people and let us do our thing. And to student midwife Victoria – I will never forget you.

And now I ask would you record yours?

SJ Snelson

I'm SJ. Living in Brum, in the middle land. I have 1 crazy bambina, 1 step-teenager, and 1 husband (who fluctuates between superman and Magneto - often depending on my mood). My family and friends are always my staples, my clan, my tribe – and Bambina my hero. Find me on insta @themamacave

View profile for posts, events and more info