Unwanted opinions – how they make you feel awful
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I’ve noticed since becoming a mother (19 weeks in and still sane, high five me) that everyone and I mean everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your child. When it’s friends and family you know it is coming from a good place but I’ve had it from random people – I mean come on, who does that!
For me, the important thing to remember is that a lot of peoples opinions come from their own insecurities or from mistakes they have made, it definitely doesn’t come from a bad place but the effect these opinions can have can be devastating for a
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new mother.
This is how my brain works ”you’ve seen me with my daughter for probably less than an hour and I am doing such an awful job that you feel the need to tell me what I should be doing!!!!””” Then panic, self deprecation, self doubt and tears ensue! The worst thing of all is that the people giving these opinions are those closest to you, they want to help so much that they actually become a hindrance. I feel like I am constantly being judged and the whole ”we didn’t do that in my day” comment makes me want to say well in your day,
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drink driving and smoking while pregnant was the bloody norm but I’m not going to start doing that am I?
I think the older generation need to know that just because I turned out OK doesn’t mean that I can’t take note of the last 30 years of updated research. They need to respect that some of the things they did are now proven to be an unhealthy for my child and to not make me feel like a controlling, irrational mother because the first food you want to give to your child isn’t a full roast bloody dinner.
I think other parents should learn from
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experience as no doubt they fell victim to the unwanted opinion. They need to remember how scary the first few months are and how you are a big bag of self doubt. I have been given some of the best advice from other mothers and I really appreciate that but they key has been that I have asked for their opinion. My mindset when I ask for an opinion is very different from when one if forced upon me and when once if forced upon me, it makes me feel like its because I’m doing something wrong. Other parents are the best people to be around when your a new
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mother but if you are getting the unwanted opinion, it just makes you feel like a terrible mother. Bad times indeed.
I think randoms need to just do one! Again, why would you go up to someone you have never met and tell them your opinion…..it’s never something I have thought of doing ”oh, you’ve decided to wear shorts, hmmmm, I’d have gone for trousers”! Just as pointless.
I am trying to remember that people offering their opinions are trying to be helpful, they are trying to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as they did and they
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are just trying to be nice. They don’t mean to belittle you or make you feel like crap and in all honesty, they would probably be mortified if they knew and most importantly, we have all done it in the past! It is easily done.
My opinion on giving opinions is wait until you have been asked and respect other people’s choices. Basically, no comments, no comparisons, no judgement and no projecting your stuff on to other people (there is another post about this as this is a biggy I think). Just think about how what you say will affect someone who is
SelfishMother.com
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doubting every move they make so walk on eggshells.
OK, this one is over and if you ever find this blog anyone I have ever met, yes it is about you!
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Donna Williams - 4 Mar 16
I’ve noticed since becoming a mother (19 weeks in and still sane, high five me) that everyone and I mean everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your child. When it’s friends and family you know it is coming from a good place but I’ve had it from random people – I mean come on, who does that!
For me, the important thing to remember is that a lot of peoples opinions come from their own insecurities or from mistakes they have made, it definitely doesn’t come from a bad place but the effect these opinions can have can be devastating for a new mother.
This is how my brain works “you’ve seen me with my daughter for probably less than an hour and I am doing such an awful job that you feel the need to tell me what I should be doing!!!!””” Then panic, self deprecation, self doubt and tears ensue! The worst thing of all is that the people giving these opinions are those closest to you, they want to help so much that they actually become a hindrance. I feel like I am constantly being judged and the whole “we didn’t do that in my day” comment makes me want to say well in your day, drink driving and smoking while pregnant was the bloody norm but I’m not going to start doing that am I?
I think the older generation need to know that just because I turned out OK doesn’t mean that I can’t take note of the last 30 years of updated research. They need to respect that some of the things they did are now proven to be an unhealthy for my child and to not make me feel like a controlling, irrational mother because the first food you want to give to your child isn’t a full roast bloody dinner.
I think other parents should learn from experience as no doubt they fell victim to the unwanted opinion. They need to remember how scary the first few months are and how you are a big bag of self doubt. I have been given some of the best advice from other mothers and I really appreciate that but they key has been that I have asked for their opinion. My mindset when I ask for an opinion is very different from when one if forced upon me and when once if forced upon me, it makes me feel like its because I’m doing something wrong. Other parents are the best people to be around when your a new mother but if you are getting the unwanted opinion, it just makes you feel like a terrible mother. Bad times indeed.
I think randoms need to just do one! Again, why would you go up to someone you have never met and tell them your opinion…..it’s never something I have thought of doing “oh, you’ve decided to wear shorts, hmmmm, I’d have gone for trousers”! Just as pointless.
I am trying to remember that people offering their opinions are trying to be helpful, they are trying to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as they did and they are just trying to be nice. They don’t mean to belittle you or make you feel like crap and in all honesty, they would probably be mortified if they knew and most importantly, we have all done it in the past! It is easily done.
My opinion on giving opinions is wait until you have been asked and respect other people’s choices. Basically, no comments, no comparisons, no judgement and no projecting your stuff on to other people (there is another post about this as this is a biggy I think). Just think about how what you say will affect someone who is doubting every move they make so walk on eggshells.
OK, this one is over and if you ever find this blog anyone I have ever met, yes it is about you!
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I am 33 and a new mother who knows nothing about being a mother so I am totally winging it! I live in South Wales and I find writing down my random thoughts about parenthood very cathartic.
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