‘The world could not wait’ – a letter to my newborn

360bph - 5 Jan 17

Pre eclampsia, Complications, inducement, post natal infection, trauma, PND/A……things took a little while to get going after my (very) little one was born. In an attempt to understand my own feelings at the time I wrote him a letter. In an attempt to continue the healing, I’m sharing it with you…..

‘The world could not wait’: a letter to (you)….

The world could not wait for us to meet. We thought, you and I, that it wasn’t the right time; it’s not what we wanted and we knew we weren’t quite ready. But the world could not wait, and other people decided.

Turns out, those other people knew stuff too. We couldn’t wait.Things were too good to risk leaving them any longer. It was too dangerous for us both.

Of course what nobody knew was what would come next.

Please forgive us if we ever caused you pain or made you cry but you were just too precious to leave alone.  You are getting stronger every day now, but the trouble is I got a bit lost along the way.

Somewhere between the hospital and our house I took a wrong turn. I got lost and now I can’t quite get to you, you feel just out of reach.

But don’t worry, I will find you and when I do, it will be everything we knew it would be.

Like I said, maybe we just weren’t quite ready yet? Things went a bit dark for a while, but when the light came back I realised I was at the back of the queue, trying to fight my way forward to you.

But the thing you must know is; the bit that’s missing- it’s not the love. I know that’s there, it’s just hidden amongst the confusion, along with the directions that help me find you. Everyone else is already there, ready and waiting to show you their love. They too can see how special you are and want to tell the world they were glad it could not wait!

But I am still at the back of the queue.

Everyone else was in such a hurry to meet you, but they didn’t know what we already had. See in a way, we had already met; all those months before. We spent every minute of every day together and it was the best thing that had ever happened. It was so good we didn’t want to rush, but it turns out other people knew stuff too.

At the moment it’s hard to find my way, but while I am finding it, if you see me looking sad, I promise: the only reason it won’t be is because of you.

We just need time to catch up to the world, you and I. We both need to grow big and strong and then it will be everything we already knew.

But in the meantime, you and I are lucky, because there is someone very special who was already at the front of the queue. From day one, he was far ahead of anyone else and ready to give you his love in bucketloads! So whenever you can’t find me, he will always already be ready and waiting and if we look for him, he will help us find each other. And then all three of us will be complete.

Found.

Trouble is, every time someone else gets there first, they seem to pick you up and then put you down again just a little bit further away. Just a little bit further out of reach. But don’t worry, I will fight.               I will fight anything and any one who stands in the way of what we planned.
So please wait for me. Please be patient. I promise I am doing my best and I will get to you.

The world could not wait for us to be together, but I can. And I know; ‘Good things come to those who wait’. It will feel like forever, and it already feels like too long, but please be patient. And remember what we already knew: that we have always been together, and can never really be apart-because our love is on the inside.

Im just a bit lost, and I am so sorry.

But I will find you.

I promise.

(And, I did)

360bph

Mummy of one.....just getting a few things off my chest....

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