The Myth of Mum Perfection…

Anniki Sommerville - 28 Mar 16

Have you ever read a magazine feature with one of those PERFECT Mums? You know the ones. Lovely shots of clean children wearing expensive angora. A gorgeous kitchen with not one plastic toy in sight. A green juice percolating in a glass jam jar.  A pug/whippet/whatever the latest dog is resting peacefully in a custom-made dog bed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love magazines. I remember a boss of mine once saying – ‘Only stupid women read magazines,’ and I disagree. There is definitely a role for escape in our lives and looking at nice photos that have little relevance is okay now and then. But I also feel like since having a child I’ve lost my patience. Who goes on a week long spa trip to Bali with a toddler? (and importantly survives to tell the tale?) Do I really need 3 pages on how to exfoliate my arse before attempting a trip to the beach? Anyway I was catching up with a mate recently and we were both in agreement about how much we hated those profiles of perfect Mums and how they made us feel like we were completely inadequate.

‘Did you read the interview with the PERFECT MUM who ran that kids smoothie brand?’ she said.

‘The one with the two perfect kids dressed in co-ordinated angora onesies?’ I said.

‘Oh all that guff about – ‘My kids aren’t interested in TV, they’re too busy reading and exploring their personalities through the medium of craft.’ 

‘I make all my food based on a strictly macrobiotic diet.’

‘ I don’t like TV. I like to make my own TV by acting out plays with finger puppets.’

‘She obviously has A LOT OF TIME.’

‘The maid is doing the finger puppets.’

‘She doesn’t serve fish fingers because they’re the devil.’

Okay I don’t think it’s cool being horrible about women (or anyone really). There’s enough misogyny in the world without women nibbling one another’s heads off .. but I feel like there just needs to be a bit more honesty when we talk about our lives. Do you really make that macrobiotic food? Or does your cook? And don’t you sometimes wake up with a hangover and reach for the IPad so you can play Peppa Pig on rotation?

‘Maybe she really does get up at 5 am to meditate,’ my friend said after a long, sad silence.

We are all doing our damn best. Jerry Hall once said that the modern woman needs to be – ‘a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.’ That was quite a few years ago and now it’s ramped up a level and it feels like you need to be an interior decorator/professional organiser/gourmet chef/supermodel and personal trainer. It is a LOT OF WORK LET ME TELL YOU.

So I tried to think a bit about a magazine that ‘told it like it is.’ What would the profile of a Mum be like?

Here’s my version…

Normal Mum looks knackered when she opens the door. She’s forgotten that ‘Glossy Mums Mag,’ are interviewing her, which is a shame as she’s still in her dressing gown and she has a healthy dose of baby-snot on her shoulder. ‘Is there a make-up artist coming?’ she asks hopefully, and looks like she’s about to cry when she’s told that no, the Perfect Mums they usually feature don’t need one (they just eat quinoa and have early nights).

Her house is decorated in a way that can only be described as ‘homely’. There is an open tub of hummus on the stairs and a dirty nappy has been abandoned next to a pair of battered Crocs. Someone has taken off their tights and left them hanging on the back of a chair. The sound of Frozen echoes from the front room. It’s at high volume.

‘How do you combine family life and being a successful business woman?’ the interviewer asks.

‘It’s awful,’ Normal Mum says bluntly, ‘I drink WAY too much coffee. I have to let the kids watch TV so I can check my emails for half an hour. Then I make some calls when they’re at the soft play zone, which I hate but it keeps them occupied so I can get stuff done.’

‘Family time is so precious. What else do you do together…? Cooking? Craft sessions?’ The interviewer asks hopefully.

‘Oh yes, of course we cook.”

“What sort of amazing healthy treats do you cook up?’

‘Usually pasta. It’s quick and means I can toss a glass of wine down my neck whilst it’s cooking. My kids love to pour the pesto from the jar and mix it all up, they’re really good at it. Oh and they’re also helpful at doing a Fishfinger dinner… they put the fishfingers from the box on the oven tray.’

‘What about time for you. Do you meditate or do yoga?’

‘Meditation? You must be joking? Who the fuck has time for that? SLEEP that’s what I fantasise about.’

Etc.

In my dreams I’d love to pick up a magazine and read an interview with a NORMAL MUM like this. But would you? Or do you like the more perfect depiction of family life that populates most mags? If you do feel bad, just remember…

There’s a pack of fishfingers lurking in every fridge. There are tired eyes that are concealed with mountains of cover up (worth remembering that Jerry Hall married Rupert Murdoch in the end).

There are lazy, sofa days when Peppa Pig is on rotation all DAMN day.

First Published on: Aug 28, 2016

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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