THOSE EARLY DAYS

Nicola Doody - 17 Mar 15

The ‘stinging’ pain, a final push, a tiny cry, a baby placed on your chest and then an overwhelming feel of love. That’s how it’s meant to go right? We are all told by our parents, friends with children, ‘helpful’ strangers on the tube and pretty much any film / tv programme involving the birth of a child, that when you first see your baby you will feel an overwhelming and instantaneous sense of love. For me that’s not quite how it went. When my son was placed on my chest for that much touted magical skin to skin contact it felt more like an invasion of privacy from a total stranger.

As we walked from the delivery room to the ward, my husband pushing my son in a clear plastic box on wheels, I remember thinking, ‘how do I actually know this one is mine, it could be anyone’s’. That, and being incredibly concerned that the child they had given me bore a concerning resemblance to Frank Bruno.

I was prepared for that fact I was going to be tired, but I thought it would be ok as I would have this amazing, tiny thing that I felt so in tune with that I wouldn’t mind too much. I was wrong.

Yes I fed him, changed him, bathed him and cuddled him. But when I looked into his eyes I was confused. This wasn’t how it was meant to be. My husband could tell I was struggling and decided walks around the Common would help. This resulted in more tears as I mourned what I had imagined our first walk with dog and baby would feel like. My husband’s paternity leave came and went, it was not the joyful time I had imagined. We did not sit on the patio in the glorious sunshine, babe in arms, smiling gleefully at one another, drinking rose. Cue more mourning. He returned to work, I got mastitis, then thrush, the baby kept crying. I kept staring at him willing that bond to form. I told my husband we had made a mistake, we should send him back, it was better when it was just the two of us and the dog. He told me it would get better, I wanted to scream.

He was right, it did get better. There was no ‘moment’, it wasn’t down to more sleep, his first smile or gurgle, ‘it’ was just there. All of a sudden I felt it. He was mine and I was his. And I couldn’t imagine loving anything more.

Feeling sad or tearful is often spoken of flippantly when you are a new mother, ‘just the baby blues’, ‘it will pass’. But when you don’t feel a bond with your baby, such comments are unhelpful, they just push you further into an abyss of loneliness. I was totally unprepared for the fact I may not have an immediate bond with my child. No one ever mentions it. I am sure many women do feel a bond as soon as their child is born. I am also sure many women felt like I did, scared, alone and unnatural. It was only the honesty of a friend who was open and talked about feeling the same after the birth of her child that left me with hope. I was not alone, someone else had felt the same and they had got through it.

Those first few weeks and months after the birth of a child can be magical, but for some they can also be terrifying and not feeling like you are able to talk about how you really feel is terribly isolating.  It will only be by talking about both ends of the spectrum openly and candidly that those who felt like I did will realise they are not bad mothers and they are not alone.

Sebastian is now six months old. I love him to pieces. He looks less like Frank Bruno and I am fairly certain the hospital did give me the right baby. Although we have still not got to the bottom of where the blue eyes and blonde hair came from……

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

Nicola Doody

Nicola is currently on maternity leave looking after her first child. In the not to distant future she will be returning to work as a Management Consultant, if she can remember how to log in to her work laptop that is!

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