Three Years Ago…

Rachel Hawkins - 10 Apr 16

….Life as I knew it changed beyond recognition.

I’d been feeling a bit peaky for a few days or so but attributed it to a stomach bug. Constant nausea, bone crushing tiredness and dizzy spells were the symptoms I was experiencing but at this point absolutely no alarm bells were sounding in my head.

A few months previous after some toing and froing at the Doctors, it was decided that I would need to be sent for some tests to discover if there was anything sinister going on with my reproductive organs (for want of a better phrase – I don’t like the word reproductive – don’t ask).

After an ultrasound failed to determine anything, I was told the NHS could no longer investigate further due to my smoker status and I was sent on my unmerry way. I would need to give up smoking for at least 6 months to be viable for further tests and was welcome to come back after I’d successfully given up for a period of time.

You know when you just know something is wrong. Like a gut feeling or an instinct perhaps?  That’s how I felt with my body.  I just had a 6^th sense there was something going on that was having an effect on my fertility.

We absolutely weren’t trying to have a baby at the time, moreover leaving it up to chance. If it happened then fab, if it didn’t then so what.  We were only 26 and 28 at the time.

However, I’m an incredibly curious individual. If there is something afoot then I simply have to know what is wrong.  I’m not very good at just leaving something be.  You know when you have a spot or a scab and you know you should just leave it as it is? I’m that person who squeezes that spot and picks that scab.   I can’t believe I’m comparing my fertility to the art of spot squeezing but there you go.  It seems to fit.

Anyway, I digress.

I’d arranged to have some rather expensive fertility tests towards the end of April 2013. I felt like I wanted answers to the questions that were circling my head – why wasn’t I ovulating frequently? I also discovered in early 2013 I’d previously had an infection.  This could have potentially led to infertility. The Doctors were unable to provide any more information or definitive proof to support this possibility.  I simply had to know what was going on and my impatient nature didn’t lend itself well to waiting.

I’d come off the pill way back in November 2011 and taking my weight and age into consideration surprised my Doctor when it came to the fact I’d not fallen pregnant at all during this time.

It was around March 2013 I came down with the most horrendous cold and chest infection which meant I temporarily sacked off the evil cigs. I was so poorly the thought of puffing away on a Menthol fag was nothing short of disgusting.  Once I was better I decided to try an e-cig with the view to giving up the fags permanently.  I lasted about a week and was soon back on the cigarettes.  I seriously hope my willpower will be better next month!

Wes and I were off to a wedding in early April. I was due on my period and had decided to take the pill that delays your bleeding.  I was wearing a nude dress you see.  I’m sure I don’t need to paint a bigger picture for you!

As fate would have it a couple of days before we set off to the wedding in London and with me now taking the tablet that delays your period, I ended up in the walk in centre with a nasty looking blister on my foot. The nurse gave me the once over and couldn’t understand why my temperature was rather high as although the blister was painful, it wasn’t infected.  I asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant.  We discussed my situation as outlined above and where I was in my cycle.  She said it was unlikely but said there was no harm in taking a test.  The test came back negative and I was sent off hobbling with my blister.

The wedding came and went, I got ridiculously pissed (standard) and was slightly alarmed to see I’d had a ‘show’ whilst in London. I’d never had that before on this period delaying pill.

Once I got home I immediately stopped taking the pill and waited paitently for my period to arrive.  But it never did.

That bloody pill has cocked my periods right up or so I thought.  Typical.

Only it hadn’t.

Thursday 11^th April 2013.  I’d had enough of feeling ropey and just wished this stomach bug would hurry up and do one, hopefully making way for this elusive period of mine.

Could I? No, of course I couldn’t. I did a test a week ago and it was negative.

I woke up early that morning to get ready for work. I had a pregnancy test in my drawer and thought sod it.  I might as well do it.  I’d taken so many in previous months it was becoming something of a habit.

There I sat on the loo (what an image I’m conjuring up for you) feeling sick as a dog from this ‘bug’, trying to carefully wee on the stick (not the easiest of tasks) while desperately trying to not wake Wes who was in the next room fast asleep (shock).

Is that a? No it cant be? Can it? That’s another line.  There are 2 sodding lines on this test.

FUCK.

That was a word I said one hell of a lot over the next 30 seconds. Whilst shouting out to Wes to get his arse out of bed and have a look at what I was transfixed on.  Was I imagining things?

10 minutes later another test provided the same reading as the previous one.

There’s no escaping this. I actually am pregnant.

24 pregnancy tests later (yes, really, I tell you no lies) I had to accept what the stick of wee was telling me. This is it.  We really are going to be parents.

I wanted to write this post for a couple of reasons. One, because I wanted to relive it all over again.  It was a wonderful time (despite us having a scare a week later) and something I’ll look back on fondly for the rest of my days.  But also to let you know that there is hope.  The very fact we had private fertility tests scheduled for 2 weeks after my positive pregnancy test blows my mind whenever I think of it.

I’m very much of the opinion it was the fags that stopped me getting pregnant before I did with my son. Surely it’s more than a coincidence that the week I gave up fags (for the first time in years) was the one week I would get pregnant?  Who knows, that’s my theory anyway.

I looked at my son this morning and said to him, I’ve known about you for 3 years ago on Monday. He smiled at me and gave me a cuddle.

He’s just the best and I thank my lucky stars every day for seeing those 2 lines on the pregnancy test that grey and cold Thursday morning, I really do.

Rachel Hawkins

Almost 30 year old (eeeek) Mother to one from Bristol. Writing about whatever takes my fancy, mainly due to the fact 140 characters on Twitter and a Facebook status just isn't enough! Passionate about mental health awareness.

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