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Through My Mother’s Eyes: Coping With A Son’s Addiction
Into The Fire
After I got out of treatment and got sober, I had an open conversation with my mother. I told her how much I wished I had done things differently. How I wish I could
After a week of binge drinking and drugs, I blacked out and woke up in the emergency room with my family surrounding me. My mother could no longer stand seeing me in my self-destructive ways. She knew the person she had seen all these years was not her son. Far from it. After I got out of treatment, my mother later admitted to me that
It is true when
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I was a mother’s worst nightmare. I struggled with depression, alcoholism and drug addiction spanning over fifteen years. She knew I had a problem with a substance use disorder. She knew I struggled with mental health issues. The problem is, she did not know how to handle it other than just let me learn from my own mistakes. Mistakes that could have led me to my grave.
Into The Fire
After I got out of treatment and got sober, I had an open conversation with my mother. I told her how much I wished I had done things differently. How I wish I could take back a lot of things I had said and done. I asked her how she managed to cope all those years and what she would have done differently. They had told me time and time again that I had a problem. For me, I believe it was a combination of being blind, ignorant, in denial and simply not caring. My mantra was live fast, die young. I embraced life in the fast lane. My mother admitted to me that she would not have been as enabling or giving along with my father. I did not have my own car, so they allowed me to borrow theirs. I would use the car to buy, sell and use drugs. I would use it to go out drinking and recklessly drive. I would constantly ask for money and lie about why I needed it in order to feed my addiction. She knew I had a problem but she was too afraid to intervene. She did not think I would have listened even if she tried. She was probably right in that regard. She lived her life in constant worry, fear and anxiety of where I was and what I was doing. I was not only playing with fire, I was jumping into it. Between my drinking, drug use and mentioning wanting to kill myself, she told me she was always afraid of getting “that call.” All of the thoughts and scenarios would play through her head: a reckless drunk driving accident, alcohol poisoning, drug overdose or self-inflicted harm.
After a week of binge drinking and drugs, I blacked out and woke up in the emergency room with my family surrounding me. My mother could no longer stand seeing me in my self-destructive ways. She knew the person she had seen all these years was not her son. Far from it. After I got out of treatment, my mother later admitted to me that she had given my father an ultimatum behind closed doors. If I had refused to go into a treatment center, I was either going to be kicked out or my mother was going to leave. I know it sounds cliche but I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I did not want to live my life the way I had been for so long. Something had to change. My drinking and using drugs had cost me everything- friends, family, jobs, finances and personal relationships. Doing things my way obviously did not work. It was time for a change.
It is true when they say a parent’s love is unconditional. I was blessed to have a mother, father, older sibling and younger sibling that believed in me rather than give up on me, regardless of everything I had put them through. I do not know what I would have done if I was put in my mother’s position. She is the most loving, caring, selfless, strongest and supportive woman I have ever known. I am proud to call her my mother. She did not fail as a parent, I failed as a son. I hold myself responsible and accountable for my own poor judgment, bad decisions, recklessness and carelessness. Through all my trials and tribulations, I have finally learned how to cope in sobriety. The guilt still weighs heavily on me but it slowly lifts each day I stay sober. My mother no longer has to bear the burden of worry, anxiety, unpredictability and fear of the unknown. She can finally sleep peacefully at night knowing I am okay.