To be effective feminists we need to support men.

Thatmumblog - 29 Mar 16

To be an effective feminist it is essential that you support men.

Embarrassingly I only recently decided what being a feminist means to me. If I’m really honest I only recently decided that I am in fact a feminist. And it was born out of anger. It was a result of raising two daughters and suddenly realising that I don’t think that I want them to grow up in the same world I did. And I grew up in a good world. A middle class world. I wasn’t trafficked, or bought and sold, I was bought up to believe I was special, individual and unique.

But I was groped, leered at, beeped at, patronised and ignored. When I got my first ‘proper’ job in London my manager told me that someone from a different department came over to him and said he had to give me the job because he thought I was ‘well fit’. I believe that is HR speak for an incredibly ambitious and hardworking individual. No? Oh, ok then. I am deeply ashamed to say that I felt secretly chuffed. The same way I used to look annoyed but felt secretly pleased if someone shouted ‘MILF’ out of the window when I had my first born. I used to think ‘still got it’ when someone beeped at me.

Before I go on, let me get something straight, this is not a list of all the times I have been leered at and it is not a commentary on what I look like or what I was wearing. Those men beeped, shouted, leered at anyone. Just one condition- they have a vagina. And like I said, I used to feel secretly rather pleased, because, as a product of the experiences I had, that was how I valued myself too. On face value. Not on content. And lets not forget that when I am pushing my children in a buggy these men are choosing to overlook the fact that I am clearly a mother, have a very distinct authoritative job role, and objectify me anyway. Exactly the same way in the workplace plenty of men still overlook powerful women with distinctive authoritative job roles, and objectify them anyway. Or patronise them. Or ignore their input. Or pay them less than their male counterparts.

So, as a feminist I want to eradicate this problem. I don’t want my girls (or yours) to grow up thinking it is ok to be beeped at because of their gender. It’s hardly changing the world to alter that attitude but the other day my son saw a white van (at the risk of seemingly like I am stereotyping I am just recounting what happened) and said ‘men go beep beep’. No they don’t. Not you.

And now we have the internet, a plethora of problems right there. A whole new can of worms. A silent ‘beep beep’ on a seedier street with no one sitting beside you saying ‘what did you do that for’. I am trying to stay on top of technical advances in order to protect my kids from the net, a hugely enriching city of content which has a very ‘bad’ area, but it’s difficult, and I’m concerned.

So we want to eradicate these problems right? I see feminism like I see charities. They exist because there is a problem. But for a charity (e.g. providing aid) they are unique businesses in that they are working in order to eventually eliminate themselves, so that there is no longer a need for them. Anger is not that productive to feminism because anger does not die down when it is no longer required. I long for the day that there is no longer a need for anyone to declare themselves a ‘feminist’ because that will mean that the problem has been eradicated, there is no longer a need for the ‘aid’ that feminism provides. There will be equality across the board.

But in order for equality in the workplace, for women to be seen as equal to men then there needs to be equality at home. We need to support men as much as we do women. Feminism does not mean hating men, it means loving equality for women. And for women to be equal, men have to be equal too.

I gave birth to my third child on a Friday. My husband didn’t qualify for paternity leave (he was a week short of the 6 month mark at a new job). So his company agreed he could take two weeks holiday starting from when I had the baby. Holiday. That he had agreed and was entitled to. Holiday in which technically he could be out of the country sunning himself on a beach. In reality he was handing me a newborn, keeping a two year old busy and setting activities for a 4 year old. Sort of the same thing.

His work wanted him in for a meeting on the Monday.

Zero working days after I had given birth.

This would not have been asked of him had he been a women. He didn’t have any physical discomfort after the birth but he was exhausted, ecstatic and overwhelmed after the birth of our third child. The same as I was.

He was prepared to throw himself into the chaos of being a family of five, take some time to get to know our new baby and transition the other two into becoming elder siblings. Same as I was.

But he was not shown equality in the workplace, and as a result, after refusing to attend on the Monday, was involved in a number of work calls which required shutting himself away, keeping the kids quiet and quite frankly tarred what should have been an incredibly special time together. Would this have happened if he’d been on holiday? Would his company have said ‘oh -we can’t contact him he’s abroad’. Or was it seen that he was ‘just’ on paternity leave and therefore simply faffing around the house so was available to work as and when they needed him?

I don’t know, it didn’t seem like his company was viewing him as an equal in the homeplace to me. And if they wouldn’t have behaved that way had he been a woman then why not? If it was that important surely a woman would have been required to take the same calls and attend the same meetings? To be considered equals in the workplace we have to be considered equals in the homeplace too.

I’ve read many fantastic blogs recently about the ridiculousness of the semantics used to describe their co-parents role in their households. ‘Is Dad babysitting tonight?’ has been said to me on so many occasions I can’t even count. No. My children’s father is not a 16 year old earning some extra pocket money. He is simply at home, being a parent. I have yet to be asked if I am ‘nannying’ the children for my husband when I am at home with them all week. ‘Giving Mum a break are we?’ is said to him all the time when he takes the children to the supermarket at the weekend. Not really. Just taking my children to the shop to, you know, buy food and stuff.

Until the stereotype that Dads are bumbling babysitters simply providing us with a ‘break’ is smashed into the ground then equality across the home and workplace is impossible. Stereotypes breed stereotypes and I for one, do not want to be perceived as an out of my depth housewife in the workplace. Scrap that, in ANY place.

And if that means supporting men and working to eradicate the need for feminism, so be it.

Thatmumblog

Hattie Harrison is a mum of 3 from Tunbridge Wells. That Mum Blog offers refreshingly honest parenting observations to make you feel better about your parenting ability. You're welcome.

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