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To fight back or not?

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I work in a school and in school, we help children make the right choices. If someone hurts you, tell an adult. If you see someone hurting someone else, tell an adult. These adults will then get to the bottom of the situation and everyone will be supported to make the right choices, and everyone goes home happy. And at no point do these choices involve fighting back. Right?

I don’t know. We’ve always known Ben was a bit of a bruiser – at two, he used to run through a toddler group, knocking over anyone in his way, not nastily (although sometimes

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yes), but just usually his way of saying ”I’m here!”. When we got a call from school in Year R, we were surprised to hear that when he another child punched him, he didn’t punch back. When he was punched in the middle of a football match a few years later, he didn’t retaliate at all. However, aged 6, there was the incident of The Blue Tongue. After a particularly hot group cycle ride, we went to the pub after the children all had blue ice lollies, hence the tongue. Ben argued with one of his besties about a scooter. The boy sort of poked him. Ben
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retaliated with a massive punch. We were mortified.

So we learn that Ben can be restrained during official times, but that he can look after himself in a pub garden brawl – I think his moral compass is nearly pointing North, don’t you?

A friend of mine reported that her son was extremely upset that he’d be seen as a violent boy (he’s not). He was defending a friend of his against another boy who was hurting his friend at school. He pushed him away, which was quite brave given the size differences of the two boys. The school dealt with it

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appropriately; the other boy received a time out, but so did my friend’s son, albeit a shorter one. He himself was mortified that people would think him a bully. I’d never seen him hurt a fly! The mum, having talked to the head teacher, knew that the time out was warranted, but also wanted to make sure they knew how her son felt. We discussed this and all supported her in saying her son had done ”the right thing” despite the time out and despite us not condoning violence. We couldn’t blame him at all.

Recently, and I can’t go into too much

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detail, my son found a way of getting his own back on a boy who had, I won’t say tormented because that is too far, but maybe teased him for years. Teased lots of his friends too. Unfortunately for my son, it was in a somewhat public arena that he, and the others, managed to fight back, albeit using words rather than fists; they made the boy cry, and were rightly told off by their teacher. I don’t think he necessarily did the ”right” thing here, but I can understand completely why he did it.

And herein lies the issue. As I said to my friend,

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sometimes the ”right” thing to do isn’t the most ”lawful” thing to do. Her son stood up for his friend, which was the right thing to do, but broke a school rule. My son gave his teaser a taste of his own medicine; this might have had an impact because they played together recently! My friend left our conversation saying she felt better and more able to talk to her son about what he’d done.

One of parenting’s little conundrums to keep us on our toes. To fight back or not? Now that is the question.

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- 27 Jun 17

I work in a school and in school, we help children make the right choices. If someone hurts you, tell an adult. If you see someone hurting someone else, tell an adult. These adults will then get to the bottom of the situation and everyone will be supported to make the right choices, and everyone goes home happy. And at no point do these choices involve fighting back. Right?

I don’t know. We’ve always known Ben was a bit of a bruiser – at two, he used to run through a toddler group, knocking over anyone in his way, not nastily (although sometimes yes), but just usually his way of saying “I’m here!”. When we got a call from school in Year R, we were surprised to hear that when he another child punched him, he didn’t punch back. When he was punched in the middle of a football match a few years later, he didn’t retaliate at all. However, aged 6, there was the incident of The Blue Tongue. After a particularly hot group cycle ride, we went to the pub after the children all had blue ice lollies, hence the tongue. Ben argued with one of his besties about a scooter. The boy sort of poked him. Ben retaliated with a massive punch. We were mortified.

So we learn that Ben can be restrained during official times, but that he can look after himself in a pub garden brawl – I think his moral compass is nearly pointing North, don’t you?

A friend of mine reported that her son was extremely upset that he’d be seen as a violent boy (he’s not). He was defending a friend of his against another boy who was hurting his friend at school. He pushed him away, which was quite brave given the size differences of the two boys. The school dealt with it appropriately; the other boy received a time out, but so did my friend’s son, albeit a shorter one. He himself was mortified that people would think him a bully. I’d never seen him hurt a fly! The mum, having talked to the head teacher, knew that the time out was warranted, but also wanted to make sure they knew how her son felt. We discussed this and all supported her in saying her son had done “the right thing” despite the time out and despite us not condoning violence. We couldn’t blame him at all.

Recently, and I can’t go into too much detail, my son found a way of getting his own back on a boy who had, I won’t say tormented because that is too far, but maybe teased him for years. Teased lots of his friends too. Unfortunately for my son, it was in a somewhat public arena that he, and the others, managed to fight back, albeit using words rather than fists; they made the boy cry, and were rightly told off by their teacher. I don’t think he necessarily did the “right” thing here, but I can understand completely why he did it.

And herein lies the issue. As I said to my friend, sometimes the “right” thing to do isn’t the most “lawful” thing to do. Her son stood up for his friend, which was the right thing to do, but broke a school rule. My son gave his teaser a taste of his own medicine; this might have had an impact because they played together recently! My friend left our conversation saying she felt better and more able to talk to her son about what he’d done.

One of parenting’s little conundrums to keep us on our toes. To fight back or not? Now that is the question.

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Carron Stacey, a late-40s mum who works in school to keep her sanity. Enjoys the beach and the humdrum things in life. Mum to a tweenie boy, living on the coast in the UK.

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