To My Pregnant, Childless Self

Aoife Manning - 21 Nov 17

Dear Mrs Know-It-All,

Your due date is approaching and you’re sitting worrying about things that really aren’t important like if you packed everything in your bag and if you’ve bought enough nappies. I really wish I could tell you that none of that stuff matters and you should try and get some sleep. In fact, just stay in bed and sleep until you go into labour. Just sleep. Oh, what’s that I hear you say? You can’t sleep because your bump is making you uncomfortable? Your heartburn is keeping you awake? I’m sorry to tell you my friend, but soon you’ll be knee high in baby poop and vomit at 5am, yet you’ll ignore it, in fear of moving and waking your precious little bundle that only fell asleep half an hour ago.

You’ve spent your evenings reading books on pregnancy and birth which yes, are helpful now but when you’re in labour you won’t give a shit. You should be reading a book called “How the hell do I look after a baby?” While on the subject, no book will tell you if you poop yourself during labour, to be honest you won’t give a damn because all you’ll be thinking of is “how long till I get this baby out of me?!”

Enjoy your Mc Donald’s and deserts now while you tell yourself that you’re all bump! Your not, it’s gone to your hips but you won’t know that till you go to put on your skinny jeans a few weeks after the birth and they don’t fit. But it’s okay, you’re breastfeeding. Breastfeeding helps you loose weight and burns up to 500 calories a day. It might, but no one told you about the insane pangs of hunger that go along with breastfeeding and you’ll stuff a kitkat in your mouth at 3am after feeding the baby. And another.

You find yourself surrounded by mothers and pregnant friends right now who are all giving you advice. You have your own ideas on parenting though. No way will you ever sleep with the baby in the bed with you. Little do you know you would sleep with the baby on your head if it meant that you both got some sleep. You also know that you’ll have your baby in a routine within a few months but the baby manual will have failed to tell you that your baby will feed every 2 hours for the first 3 months, will sleep during the day and prefer to be awake at night. You will soon learn that you have absolutely no bloody clue what your talking about and you will be silenced to a lifetime of Mammy guilt. So, keep judging your friend who puts her baby in front of In The Night Garden while she enjoys her coffee, you too will discover the blessing of cartoons so you can manage to change into another pair of pj’s and brush your teeth if you’re lucky. Nice work wondering why that mum has “let herself go” Little do you know karmas on her way to bite you on the ass and leave you with a few spare tires and a couple of extra greys.

There is only one thing that’s going to get you through the vomit stains and the tiredness that makes your eyes sting is the love that, right now, you don’t even know exists.

So, hang on to your granny knickers and try not to wet them while you’ve still got a strong pelvic floor. Stop judging other Mum’s and start supporting them! God knows, you’re going to need them when you realise your completely winging it.

Love,
Me x

Aoife Manning

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