To three or not to three…that is the question

Ashley Parker - 30 Apr 17

I started my day with a lovely cup of Yorkshire tea, sandwiched between my two boys (the best part of lazy mornings) and everything in the world seemed right; a total sense of completeness.

So when I spent a gorgeous afternoon yesterday celebrating with friends at a baby shower – I couldn’t help but wonder why I spent so much of the day thinking about the pros and cons of adding a third child to our already beautiful family?

I mean – we were all there celebrating a few hours of freedom, to drink tea, eat cake, drink more (not tea) and chat uninterrupted – escaping parenting for a few hours, so I ask myself at the end of the day, why on earth am I floundering between my already perfect little family…where there is  a little bit of freedom on the horizon and doing it all again!

Having three children looks bloody hard! I mean when you do get talking about adding to the brood, people tend to talk mostly about the logistical issues –  about holiday issues, needing bigger cars, needing a bigger house etc. but I guess I just can’t relate to those reasons.

We haven’t had a holiday for 3 ½ years, so for that to be a deal breaker would be a bit weird (not that I’m saying that would be for anyone…but you know what I mean).

We are currently carless as a family of 4, so I’m not sure that that could be a decider either – we’d just get one that fits 5 of us!

The bigger house issue does resonate with me because we are pretty much bursting at the seams in our current house – which by the way we are unlikely to move from anytime soon! So the idea of expanding in this space scares the shit out of me, but you know, I’m not sure that could be the deal breaker either because as my husband regularly reminds me – I’ve never managed the whole baby in a bed thing or the nursery etc. and I probably wouldn’t for a third time either.

This is bigger than all of this stuff though and of course babies get bigger too, so that can’t be forgotten.

I’m not minimising the decision – it’s a huge one. Whether it’s thinking about having one baby or a fifth, there’s so much to consider and like the puppy ad says,

‘they’re not for Christmas, they’re for life!’

So how does anyone really know it’s the right thing or the right time – is there such a certainty?

I guess I can’t know about other people’s certainty, but I know that I feel selfish.

I feel selfish for wanting another baby when I have two already. When I know there’s so many couples who would do anything for ONE baby. I feel selfish when I don’t have the car, the house, the money etc. and there’s still a tiny part of me that feels like because of these things that don’t matter to me so much, maybe  I am not looking at it from an ‘Adult’ enough place.

But I come at it from a different place I guess. I think about things like whether our marriage can withstand another little hand grenade (albeit a beautiful and amazing one) being thrown in to the mix again?

And what about my vagina? Yes I said that! Could my already cut and sewn several million times vagina take another baby making its way out of there?

And my beautiful boys; the ones that make my family feel so complete already…can they truly know what having another baby might mean for our family even though they ask for one?

I don’t know any of the answers, but the one thing I am certain of is my age and the fact that the last time we conceived I was 33 – significantly more fertile (based on statistics) than I would be at 37! For me I know that it feels like time is running out to make a decision.

And after so many conversations where I hear people say,

‘when you’re done, you know you’re done!’

I know I’m just not there!

Maybe I need to just take a leaf out of my children’s book. Perhaps we could all learn a thing or two from our little ones – after all in all of their complex simplicity, they just see love.

Plain and simple. There’s no fear about big cars, bigger houses, holidays, enough money etc.

And just the very thought of their amazingness makes me see why this constant whirring inside me about another baby is totally normal.

I mean why on earth wouldn’t I want one more of them?! And bigger than me and my family – why on earth wouldn’t the world want another one of them?

Ashley Parker

Mother, birth junkie, relationship therapist, creator of Mother's Little Helper affirmation sets and all around lover of strong, fierce women who are doing their thing - whatever that may be!

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