As I lie in my bed going through Facebook and reading up on some of the autism blogs I follow, I start to question what kind of mother I am.

Little Bear is now 8 and we first noticed signs of autism when he was just coming up to the age of 2.

So that’s 6 years now that we’ve known that Little Bear has autism.

But yet there’s still a huge part of me that struggles with his diagnosis every day!

When I read all the wonderful things that parents write about their children and how they wouldn’t take their autism away I feel like a complete fraud for thinking that I wish I could take it all away!

Why is it after so long I still can’t get my head around it, why do I still feel so raw and hurt about my child’s diagnosis?

Every day I wish I could just accept it and have the optimism that these wonderful parents have.

Little Bear has been struggling so much in the past few years.

He’s been having a tough time with the world around him.

Everything that he struggled with when he was younger seems to have doubled and he’s finding things harder and harder.

Every day he’s becoming more secluded and wanting to be alone.

He’s very happy in his own world but I wish I could be better at understanding his world.

Every day I’m struggling more and more to connect with my child because I’m finding it so hard to understand how he feels.

I wish that just for one second I could be a part of his world.

I wish I could know what he’s thinking, how he feels, what he wants and what he needs.

I love him so dearly, he’s my “baby” and is such a sweet little boy who has the biggest smile and gives the tightest hugs.

There really isn’t an ounce of badness in this child at all and he’s the sweetest little boy with such most innocent laugh.

Yes, he has days where his behaviour is very challenging but he is the most loving child I know.

I wonder to myself every day will I ever come to terms with his diagnosis?

Why haven’t I been able to accept it?

I know having autism is a part of who he is and without it he wouldn’t be the little boy we love so much.

But it breaks my heart when I see him struggling so much or when I just want to be a part of his world but yet I don’t know how to.

When all I want is for my little boy to not have to struggle with the simple things that we take for granted.

I wouldn’t change him for who he is but if I could do anything to take away his struggles and to take away all the hurt then I would.

My only wish is that he will always have that beautiful smile on his face and will always continue to be that sweet little boy that melted my heart from the day he was born.

Elisabeth x