Was I an Abusive Mother?

Lauren Derrett - 6 Aug 17

We were eating lunch and he said to me;

‘I’ve felt so much guilt in knowing that you only live for me. And I’ve felt so much pressure knowing that I was your everything. It’s too much’

It hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I felt shocked.

How could he be saying this to me? He IS my EVERYTHING, I DO only live for him, for the last 20 years I have fully indulged myself in him, and he fills a void of love that I’d never felt before.

This break up was a pain I had NEVER felt. I was just trying to love him and protect him in a hope that he’d be mine forever. I couldn’t imagine a time when I would never have him with me. His love was my drug; I was as addicted to him, HE WAS MY EVERYTHING.

But, by loving so hard I had smothered him. I have held him captive to my needs. I have hidden me from him for fear of him not loving ME. Instead choosing to become what I thought he wanted to be, needed me to be and in doing so I’ve crushed him and made him feel resentful of me.

Is this need in me some form of abuse towards him? Is it unacceptable for me to need so much in a relationship? So much that it makes the other person so laden down with pressure and guilt to the point they start to hate?

I should have shown him me earlier; I should have shown him that I was funny and quirky, curious and knowledgeable. Instead I choose to dumb myself down; the risk of losing him was too great.

If I had shown him, would he still leave?

I feel so desperate. He can’t leave?

If he left, he’d take the soul of me; if he left who would I be? If he left, how would I continue to breathe? If he left, who would complete me?

It was NEVER his job to complete me.

And now he had to leave, physically and emotionally. He has to free himself of the pressures and expectations I’ve laid at his feet and from my constant demand of his acknowledgement of me.

He has to step out into the world without me, he has to spread his wings and live his life.

And I have to let him

I feel broken.

He was never really mine, only ever on loan to me.

It wasn’t his job to fix me.

And now, without him, I am learning slowly to complete myself.

He will forever be my son and I forever his mum.

Lauren Derrett

I'm Lauren, Founder of Wear 'em Out, reusable period pads for the empowered eco-curious. Mother of 4, Step-Mother of 2, I've been parenting for 24 years so have seen and learned a lot of stuff

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