Weeping wednesday

Corrine Thorne - 11 May 16

I’m writing this through tears. Today is not my day. It’s not a special day. It’s not a day of specific events which have lead me to be where I am in my head right now. It’s a normal day

it’s wednesday, hump day (middle of the week not get into bed day) it’s slimmig world weigh in day. It’s no different to any Wednesday of any other week.

So why do I feel so down? Why did I burst into tears at slimming world today? I lost 1lb! I should be smiling. But for some unknown, weird reason my head went….Hey lets cry in a room full of people. Let’s give your body the shakes and make your eyes leak. We’ve not done that for a couple of weeks so clearly it’s time.

I just can’t understand why. What is so significantly different today that makes me want to curl up in a ball under my duvet and stay there? (Answers on a postcard or A4 sheet of paper as a postcard is just too small).

I woke in a good mood after staying at a friends, we’d had a giggle and lovely chats before sleeping so it’s not loneliness. There’s been no arguments with anyone so it’s not conflict. I’m single so it’s not a man. My son is a bugger but he’s 2 and normal so it’s not him, he’s amazing. . My family are amazing so it’s not them either. wow. Then I guess that just leaves me. So am I to blame for feeling the away I feel today? If that’s true then surely I should be able to lift my self up, dust myself off and say hey come on girl, get with the programme and bloody smile.

Well it sounds so easy. I bet some of you reading this will have already said that to me in your head. But it’s not that easy. How do you fix a problem when you don’t even know what it is? How do you pick yourself up when you don’t know why you’ve fallen ? How can you sort what you can’t understand. Any suggestions glady received.

I’ve been through lots, I’ve pretty much dealt with everything on the 10 most stressful things to go through in life. Ok so that’s a lie…ive not dealt with them. I’ve internalised them, avoiding harm and upset to others by keeping it all inside me. That makes it sound like I know the problem, what, why and how I feel. I should know what I should do to make things better surely? Well all I can say is that I don’t.

I care too much but feel too little. That is weird in itself!! My highs are high but my lows are low. im missing the middle floor. I’m a product of my overthinking, overanalysing confused mind. I know what I want, I don’t know what I want. Katy Perry’s Up and Down just popped into my head. I keep the peace, don’t rock the boat. I have love to give and receive love, I laugh and joke and chat. But there’s always this dark cloud which makes me cry in a room full of people on a Wednesday.

Perhaps Thursday will be ‘everything is ok with the world of manic day’!!

The room I cried in today! And the people who made it ok.

Someone once asked.. why do you go to slimming world? Why pay when you know what to do? At the time I said it’s because I want support in losing weight.
If asked that same question now I’d answer:
I go because when my will power is lacking, they support me. When I’m feeling down, they lift me and when I cry in a room full of people over something (like today) they’re there for me. The people I have made great friends with come and hug me. The people I’ve never met before come and say they can relate to what I’m going through and give me advice and comfort. There is no judgement or mocking.
That’s why I go. Plus it’s cheap therapy 🙂 thank you!!
Oh and I lost 1lb

Corrine Thorne

I am a 40+ single mum to a toddler, recently became a metalsmith after making glass jewellery for a number of years. I hope to build a small at home business doing what I love. I also make memorial jewellery for people. My son is my world And after too many years not being a mummy I am blessed to have this little guy. Life has not and is not plain sailing. I suffer with anxiety and depression but keep ticking over. His smile helps me daily.

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