What fear can teach us

Tetyana Denford - 23 Mar 16

It seems inevitable that when you turn on the news nowadays, or read the newspaper, you’re bombarded with images of cities ravaged by war, humans that have been beaten, maimed or (worse) killed because of hateful, militant groups and their narrow-minded beliefs. Governments seem helpless and even sometimes apathetic to the devastation and heartbreak, saying “well, there’s nothing we can really do at this point except to raise the terror alerts”. There is a global outcry against hate, against savagery, against prejudice. It seems the world is begging for an immediate solution, and the only thing that anyone feels that they can do is sit and wait and feel scared that the little bit of hope that they have left is progressively fading.

My husband travels extensively for work, and luckily, he wasn’t in Brussels on business the other day (and that’s a very frequent location for him). I said to him over dinner last night: “What if..? Can you imagine? The kids and I are so used to you packing your suitcase in the morning, quick hugs and kisses and boarding a plane. What if one morning, it’s the last one? The last hug goodbye?”

Although it seems a morbid topic, it’s a fair question, and unfortunately relevant lately. It’s a hard discussion to have, though, because there’s no resolution to it: because it’s based in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of an uncertain future for our children. Fear of committing yourself to happiness and then someday that happiness being shattered. It’s a conversation that spins in circles, and never goes anywhere.

He said to me, “We don’t know. But we can’t let that take over our life. We have to live every day taking in all the minutes that we’re given. And that’s it, really.”

Decisions that are based on fear can make life dramatically limiting, I think. You fear getting into a car crash, so you walk everywhere. You fear one of your children running into the road, so you never leave the house. You fear that you’ll be denied that exciting new job, so you don’t bother sending in your CV. You fear being rejected by that hot girl/guy, so you don’t bother striking up a conversation.

My father (a successful businessman) told me once: “If you remove The Fear, you have nothing else in your way. There’s nothing that you can’t attempt, no lesson that won’t be learned, no opportunity lost. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.” I guess in a way, you can use fear to push through and find the good stuff.

Fear teaches you to find your voice, and a loud one at that.
Fear teaches you to work harder to find hope and love in places you least expect.
Fear teaches you to be your children’s light in the face of so much darkness on this planet.
Fear teaches you to live your life without regrets.
Fear teaches you to make the choices now, not someday, because that “someday” may not happen.

So, why am I letting a group of radical hate-filled humans, with no concept of decency and love, fill my brain and my heart with fear? How is that enhancing my life in a positive way? It isn’t. It won’t. It will stunt my emotional intelligence, and worse, it will feed my children with a learned distrust of the world and all the humans and cultures in it. And I refuse to let that ever happen. I want my children to see the world for what it is: a strikingly beautiful global village of human beings that for the most part, embrace each other and celebrate hope, opportunity, adventure, acceptance and above all, love.

Ironically, I think fear taught me that love is the answer. It always is.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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