What Happens when the Playground Bullies Are The Mums?

Reprobate Mum - 11 Jan 16

A while ago, I wrote about my son Jonah having a tough time with his peers and my attempts to address it with their mums. But my efforts to reach out and talk to people didn’t start an adult conversation as I had hoped. It actually resulted in the parents turning against me.

It’s a minefield, attempting to talk to another parent about playground dynamics over which actually, they have very little control when they’re not on duty. But when your kid is coming home upset about something that’s happened at school over a period of time, whether it’s subtle exclusion in softball, name calling in football or being the only kid not invited to a video night, it’s really hard to sit by and do nothing.

So I asked to chat about it with the group of mums I thought I was friendly enough with to be upfront about it, dropping them a note on Facebook. Probably I should have called or waited till I saw them, but I felt that might put them even more on the spot. Either way, I was at my wit’s end after a serious incident at school, and without pointing any fingers, I felt like it was time to talk about the fact that Jonah is Asperger’s with the other parents, and how it might affect his relationships at school.

That night, perhaps unsurprisingly, I was met with a resounding silence. When, later, I bumped into one of the mums – in fact, the mum of the kid who seemed to be a bit of a ringleader of behvaiour against my son- and mentioned that I was upset she hadn’t responded, she exploded me in the street- “I’ve got a lot of stuff of my own going on,”she said. “I don’t have the time or energy to deal with your problems.”

She carried on shouting at me, even after my daughter tripped up off her scooter in the middle of the road. I ended up walking away, but not before saying that if she had wanted to open up about her problems to me, she would have met with a much more sympathetic ear.

She later apologised about it, and we have subsequently gone for drinks, but a rift was opened that’s been hard to heal. Over the years, I noticed I was no longer included on invited to group activities with this bunch of mums – a camping trip I’d expressed interest in going on went ahead without me. Then I noticed pictures posted on social media of them all together, on several occasions, which, given I was “friends” with them all, felt a little pointed.

Eventually, to save myself from getting upset every time I saw they had gone out together, I unfollowed them. In the meantime, out of frustration, I blogged about the whole experience and how it was making me feel, but my post quickly went viral among the group. Although I didn’t know they were readers, I felt it had perhaps been antagonistic, although I questioned why they were reading it at all, if not find reasons to get upset with me. When my son got the lead role in the school play (he’s got an excellent memory for lines), I never felt so awkward as when I attended, and not one of them spoke to me.

And even though the problems between the kids had long since been resolved, I started to worry about the fall out my interfering had had on my son, when responses to my invites to my his party this weekend were slow to come in, and it felt to me like excuses were being made. Although I may just be being sensitive, overall, you know when a lot of little things adds up to something else.

The problem is, when you live in a community that’s quite close knit, it’s very hard to ignore behaviour like this, among a group of people that by and large, you have to see every week. And when it has an impact on your children, it feels even worse. It’s difficult enough feeling pointedly excluded by a group of mums, especially when, for your children’s sake you are bending over backwards to try and accommodate their kids.

So, on a day when some of their children are coming to an expensive party you’ve organised, and you see a picture of all the mums together on Facebook the previous evening from someone you forgot to unfollow, and then get messages saying they are too hungover to drop their child off, actually, it’s really hard to feel anything other than a bit upset. And the sad thing is, on Jonah’s birthday, it’s him that ends up suffering, because I’ve spent all morning feeling so crap about it all.

The problem is, social media causes so much misunderstanding, and people, myself included, can be very sensitive to any perceived slight, exclusion, or feeling their noses might be being rubbed into something they are left out of. It’s hardly surprising it can affect children so much, if we adults can still get upset by it all.

But the thing with kids is they get over their differences quickly – as was clear at the party where everyone got along just fine – it’s clear despite his early struggles, Jonah’s socialising really well thanks to the school recognising he was having difficulties negotiating relationships, and helping the other children to learn not to push his buttons so much. With adults, on the other hand, because we don’t have to address things quickly, or are not bound by the need to make up and get along – there’s no rule you have to include people in adult life – things can fester, and that’s what I feel has happened here.

And I’m not sure what I can do about it either – talking to people about how you’re feeling feel just flags you up as the problem. Sometimes it’s easier to blame the person to whom you are being unkind, or at least not address it at all.

Perhaps, as an adult, it is better to say nothing (as they say, least said, soonest mended), be more careful about what you say online – or at least where you post it (having a rant can help you feel better too), be nice, act as if you don’t care, and find other people to hang out with. But I’m not going to stop making an effort with my son’s friends, because in the end, I’m a big girl and I can act like a grown up, however other parents behave. And in the long run, it’s only by modelling good behaviour myself that my son will learn not to trun out to be a grown up bully himself.

Reprobate Mum

East London dwelling mum to two bandy-legged pre-tweens, and a pug called Johnny. Huff Post blogger, copywriter, ex-journo, whose philosophical musings on life, death and everything in between have been featured in The Sunday Times Magazine, Marie Claire, Mumsnet and La Repubblica.

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