What I didn’t know a year ago

Katie Garden - 17 Apr 17

1. “If you’d told me then what I know now,
   I’d be long gone, but I’m here somehow” Rag ‘n’ Bone man – Arrow

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this time last year. This time last year I was getting ready to leave work and start maternity leave. There’s a lot I did know: I knew I was going to give birth to Sophie. I knew she had Down’s syndrome, a heart defect and that she would need surgery. I knew things would be different to how I’d planned, and I knew she would be pretty special. There’s a lot more that I didn’t know.

I didn’t know how much space in my life Sophie would take up. I think both me and Danny knew things would change, but she took over every ounce of our being. Before Sophie was here we wondered how she would fit into our lives. Now we wonder what to do with this gaping hole she has left.
I was not aware of how much labour would hurt. I mean people try to tell you, but bloody hell…..there are no words! Well, there are, but my mum might read this.
I didn’t know that people who said you can sleep when the baby sleeps were liars. They owe me some naps.

I didn’t know how far poo could travel (relating to Sophie, not my labour ). I also didn’t know how many nappies we could go through in one bum change. I think 9 was our record.

I didn’t know the people I would meet. I’ve met some pretty amazing people this year, who have had more than their fair share of shite thrown at them, but have come through and survived, and whose stories inspire me to believe I can get through this. I’ve also met some more amazing people who have become a big part of our lives & who have been there for the highs & lows of the last year.

I didn’t for one minute think (and am ashamed to admit) I’d still be wearing maternity clothes today….I mean I’ve always been a scruff but this is defo a new low.

I didn’t have a clue what all the lines on a hospital monitor mean. I didn’t know how much they would come to mean. I hope we never have to see one again!

I didn’t know how ignorant I had been about other people’s pain before. Ashamedly I have dismissed people’s grief/depression/miserable faces as minor or something they need to get over & move on from. I feel stupid about that now. I wasn’t prepared for how much my outlook on life would change. So many of the things that mattered to me last year couldn’t be less important now, and vice versa. My faith & beliefs about life are completely different now to what they were. Thankfully prosecco has maintained a steady lead in my list of priorities. Unfortunately, doing the washing, losing weight & housework have moved down. Such a shame.

I didn’t know how much I was capable of loving. I also didn’t know my heart could break the way it has.

Lastly, I thought I knew that I would spend my year teaching Sophie to do things. It turns out that out of the two of us I had a lot more to learn than Sophie; she taught me more than I ever taught her, and her lessons I will hold onto for the rest of my life.

Katie Garden

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