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View as: GRID LIST

What is Sexy, anyway?

1
Sex after children. Just another one of those things to add to my list of “things I need to do today (this week, this month…) or “things I should be doing better”.

In order to have sex after children you need to have three factors in place:

Time
Privacy
To Feel Sexy.

Time and privacy is essentially down to luck. The trickiest part comes when you have time and privacy, but just don’t feel sexy.

What is sexy, anyway?

Well I can tell you what sexy is not.

Having the sleeve of your top pasted with baby sick;
Dabbing a

SelfishMother.com
2
pee stained carpet with kitchen roll;
Wolfing down Weetabix whilst wearing an old dressing gown and smudged glasses;
Fishing a lost Mooncup out of yourself on a Saturday night (long story – luckily my partner didn’t have to get involved with a headtorch, he is none the wiser – until he reads this);
Bursting into tears from pure exhaustion;
Having sensitive scar tissue down there;
Being dressed to the nines but having clenched bum cheeks and tense shoulders.
Having a full face of makeup and a knot in your stomach from the stress it
SelfishMother.com
3
was to put makeup on and get out of the front door;
Having sex just to get it ‘done’ along with the washing up, laundry, home admin, booking the car in for an MOT and keeping both children alive.

But the fact is all of the above are common occurrences especially when you have one, a couple or a few (good luck) small children to look after. When you are a mother. So if most of your day is spent being the complete opposite to sexy, how are you able to switch off and turn on?

When I was 18, I thought the requirements of being sexy were looking

SelfishMother.com
4
perfect and oozing confidence (full face of makeup, a toned body and a winning day). After having my first baby, I thought the requirements were looking ‘good’ and having enough confidence (being washed and wearing something relatively attractive, with the lights dimmed down a little). Now I have changed my mind. Being sexy is simply about being relaxed; physically and mentally and part of that is accepting yourself, physically and mentally. Once you are in this state, you naturally look and feel better.

I realised this only the other day. It had

SelfishMother.com
5
been a long, hot summer and also a stressful one. We moved house and to a new area, which unintentionally coincided with my husband taking a 3 month contract away. I had to manage with a toddler who went through a bad sleeping phase and a 6 month old baby, who was growth spurting and teething. Ah. Needless to say by the time my lover returned I wasn’t exactly feeling like a sex kitten. I was feeling like a survivor of motherhood. About as sexy as a pair of worn mules in a charity shop. What snippet of my mojo there had been when baby was 5 months, had
SelfishMother.com
6
collected so much dust over the summer that I was pretty sure it had disappeared forever. That’s when the guilt kicked in. And the pressure. From no one but myself. That useful internal voice was also reminding me that I’d put on pounds from comfort eating “do you realise you weigh more than you did this time last year when you were pregnant?!” and that the bra I was wearing from 2012 (being the last time I worked in the city centre and was able to go lunch-break shopping) made my tits look like two squashed bean bags. I hadn’t had time to get
SelfishMother.com
7
any sort of back or shoulder massage so my upper body was a rigid as a twiglet and I was grinding my teeth at night, that is, when I forgot to take my sleeping tablets. All good then!

Once my husband was back home; Tots started pre-school; and Babe’s teeth had poked through, thankfully the stresses dropped off a little. Both children started sleeping better, and I had the pleasure of one blissful cup of coffee, three times a week. I was able to catch up on washing, a pile of admin and even think about booking a haircut.

One day, I hopped back

SelfishMother.com
8
into the car after dropping Tots off at pre-school and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was taken aback, but not surprised, when I noticed a few new lines around my eyes. I looked like I was well into my 30s now… Then it struck me – the lines made me look quite sexy! I couldn’t help but admire the woman looking back at me for a moment. A woman who had managed to hold her shit together through a challenging summer and come out the other side, relatively unscathed. I saw independence shining from my eyes and a bit of feisty determination
SelfishMother.com
9
(and a new-found tendency to swear). I also noticed the freckles scattered messily all over my face: over the summer we had all been too tired to go out and explore our area, so we had spent most of the time at home outside in the garden. I’d bought Tots a sandpit – quite possibly the best purchase of the year, if not my life, as it had kept her so busy. Despite living on few hours sleep and a diet of bread and biscuits I looked healthy. So what if I had a few more wobbly bits? If it had got me through and meant I could give the best to my babies,
SelfishMother.com
10
then it was worth it. But I also realised then I owed it to myself, and to my girls and my partner, to look after myself a bit more. I went home and looked up the local swimming pools and planned to eat just a bit more fruit and veg – nothing big, after a summer of pressure I wasn’t going to put anymore on myself. I took a hot bath for the first time that evening and made sure I took one a couple of evenings a week. That unexpected burst of confidence and the moments of being mindful to look after myself, has helped a great deal.

I noticed that I

SelfishMother.com
11
feel my sexiest when I am in my pjs with no make up on and draped on the full length of the sofa drinking a glass of wine;

When I have just been laughing out loud at something I have heard or read;

When I’ve had a hot bath or a deep tissue massage;

When I’ve written an ace blog post;

When I catch a glimpse of those lines under my eyes.

Sexy is accepting yourself: baby sick, dressing gown, wrinkles, bad bras n’ all; noticing the uniqueness in you: a freckle, something that makes you secretly smile, your favourite song, even your

SelfishMother.com
12
weakness for eating the kid’s freddo bars. It’s about being relaxed physically and mentally. Being sexy is about being YOU.

Mummy Rules.

SelfishMother.com

By

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- 11 Oct 16

Sex after children. Just another one of those things to add to my list of “things I need to do today (this week, this month…) or “things I should be doing better”.

In order to have sex after children you need to have three factors in place:

  1. Time
  2. Privacy
  3. To Feel Sexy.

Time and privacy is essentially down to luck. The trickiest part comes when you have time and privacy, but just don’t feel sexy.

What is sexy, anyway?

Well I can tell you what sexy is not.

  • Having the sleeve of your top pasted with baby sick;
  • Dabbing a pee stained carpet with kitchen roll;
  • Wolfing down Weetabix whilst wearing an old dressing gown and smudged glasses;
  • Fishing a lost Mooncup out of yourself on a Saturday night (long story – luckily my partner didn’t have to get involved with a headtorch, he is none the wiser – until he reads this);
  • Bursting into tears from pure exhaustion;
  • Having sensitive scar tissue down there;
  • Being dressed to the nines but having clenched bum cheeks and tense shoulders.
  • Having a full face of makeup and a knot in your stomach from the stress it was to put makeup on and get out of the front door;
  • Having sex just to get it ‘done’ along with the washing up, laundry, home admin, booking the car in for an MOT and keeping both children alive.

But the fact is all of the above are common occurrences especially when you have one, a couple or a few (good luck) small children to look after. When you are a mother. So if most of your day is spent being the complete opposite to sexy, how are you able to switch off and turn on?

When I was 18, I thought the requirements of being sexy were looking perfect and oozing confidence (full face of makeup, a toned body and a winning day). After having my first baby, I thought the requirements were looking ‘good’ and having enough confidence (being washed and wearing something relatively attractive, with the lights dimmed down a little). Now I have changed my mind. Being sexy is simply about being relaxed; physically and mentally and part of that is accepting yourself, physically and mentally. Once you are in this state, you naturally look and feel better.

I realised this only the other day. It had been a long, hot summer and also a stressful one. We moved house and to a new area, which unintentionally coincided with my husband taking a 3 month contract away. I had to manage with a toddler who went through a bad sleeping phase and a 6 month old baby, who was growth spurting and teething. Ah. Needless to say by the time my lover returned I wasn’t exactly feeling like a sex kitten. I was feeling like a survivor of motherhood. About as sexy as a pair of worn mules in a charity shop. What snippet of my mojo there had been when baby was 5 months, had collected so much dust over the summer that I was pretty sure it had disappeared forever. That’s when the guilt kicked in. And the pressure. From no one but myself. That useful internal voice was also reminding me that I’d put on pounds from comfort eating “do you realise you weigh more than you did this time last year when you were pregnant?!” and that the bra I was wearing from 2012 (being the last time I worked in the city centre and was able to go lunch-break shopping) made my tits look like two squashed bean bags. I hadn’t had time to get any sort of back or shoulder massage so my upper body was a rigid as a twiglet and I was grinding my teeth at night, that is, when I forgot to take my sleeping tablets. All good then!

Once my husband was back home; Tots started pre-school; and Babe’s teeth had poked through, thankfully the stresses dropped off a little. Both children started sleeping better, and I had the pleasure of one blissful cup of coffee, three times a week. I was able to catch up on washing, a pile of admin and even think about booking a haircut.

One day, I hopped back into the car after dropping Tots off at pre-school and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was taken aback, but not surprised, when I noticed a few new lines around my eyes. I looked like I was well into my 30s now… Then it struck me – the lines made me look quite sexy! I couldn’t help but admire the woman looking back at me for a moment. A woman who had managed to hold her shit together through a challenging summer and come out the other side, relatively unscathed. I saw independence shining from my eyes and a bit of feisty determination (and a new-found tendency to swear). I also noticed the freckles scattered messily all over my face: over the summer we had all been too tired to go out and explore our area, so we had spent most of the time at home outside in the garden. I’d bought Tots a sandpit – quite possibly the best purchase of the year, if not my life, as it had kept her so busy. Despite living on few hours sleep and a diet of bread and biscuits I looked healthy. So what if I had a few more wobbly bits? If it had got me through and meant I could give the best to my babies, then it was worth it. But I also realised then I owed it to myself, and to my girls and my partner, to look after myself a bit more. I went home and looked up the local swimming pools and planned to eat just a bit more fruit and veg – nothing big, after a summer of pressure I wasn’t going to put anymore on myself. I took a hot bath for the first time that evening and made sure I took one a couple of evenings a week. That unexpected burst of confidence and the moments of being mindful to look after myself, has helped a great deal.

I noticed that I feel my sexiest when I am in my pjs with no make up on and draped on the full length of the sofa drinking a glass of wine;

When I have just been laughing out loud at something I have heard or read;

When I’ve had a hot bath or a deep tissue massage;

When I’ve written an ace blog post;

When I catch a glimpse of those lines under my eyes.

Sexy is accepting yourself: baby sick, dressing gown, wrinkles, bad bras n’ all; noticing the uniqueness in you: a freckle, something that makes you secretly smile, your favourite song, even your weakness for eating the kid’s freddo bars. It’s about being relaxed physically and mentally. Being sexy is about being YOU.

Mummy Rules.

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