What is the perfect age gap? Discuss.

Helena Lomas - 30 Mar 16

I’ve clocked that I’ve developed a little habit of sounding defensive when the subject of sibling age gaps arises which is making me annoy my own self. I have 2 brilliant boys aged two and a half and newly one. When I started telling people I was expecting my youngest (whilst most likely holding eldest on my hip), generally their faces dropped, typically followed by asking if he was a mistake (he was very much wanted) or ‘you’re mad’, which may be where this all started…

These days when people see me happily mooching/puffing along the street with double buggy… admittedly stacked with scooter, lunch bag, nappy bag, coats, dinosaur’s, diggers plus my big read cheeks as Brighton has more hills than you can shake a stick at, so you could forgive them for looking sympathetic…I really do get stopped to ask what the age gap is (18 months), followed by a large – builder giving a quote style – intake of breath and sympathetic ‘wow you’ve got your work cut out’ which, perhaps irrationally, bugs me.

I truly don’t believe there is such thing as a ‘perfect’ or superior age gap. Every age gap has strengths as well as unique challenges. I was so lucky that 2 other top class mums were expecting baby number 2 within a week of mine, and we have probably tapped a thousand watsapps through the nights since our babies all arrived. One of the girls eldest boy is a year older than mine (so a respectable 2.5 year age gap), and I can honestly say she hasn’t had an easier or tougher time than me, but of course there were differences.

In my speech ‘In defence of the small age gap’ that I’ve fine-tuned over the months, Point One is that the whole trauma of introducing the baby to the big sibling is pretty much removed, they don’t seem to get the whole jealousy thing, and very quickly they don’t know life without ‘their’ little baby.

Point Two is how well they play together. By my youngest’s first birthday all their toys are the same.

Point Three is that with a small age gap you aren’t having to deal with Eldest needing more advanced stimulation. So after a night of feeding a tiny baby, the extent of stimulation he needed was to build a cube tower, knock it down and build it again, or point out a ‘sheep’ in a picture and go ‘baaaa’. This I could do and it matched my intellect level at the time perfectly. Now at 2 and a half he’s wanting to do craft, read books, do imaginative play, which after a rough night means digging deep.

Point four is that the fact that my eldest still had 2 big naps was outstanding.

By Point Five I do (generously) concede that there is much more physical graft with 2 close together, as you sort of have 2 babies and Eldest totally did require more carrying than he does now. I also agree that it is easier now that you can leave them alone in a room, or they can sit and watch a programme which at 18 months he couldn’t do, and this helps find windows for getting quick bits done like settling baby for a nap etc. Also by 18 months I hadn’t got a childcare system set up (e.g nursery) as he was only 9 months when I was pregnant again so didn’t bother, whereas when they are older you get the free hours etc. The increased ability to communicate with them is also a dream. Oh and double the amount of nappies I heartily agree isn’t a win.

However I have digressed from my actual point that my being defensive about my age gap is as silly as those that ‘wish me luck’ with mine. As, if it had turned out that mine were say 5 years apart, I know for sure that I would absolutely love it, embrace it and be celebrating the positives of it. Same for any age gap. To me a sibling relationship is precious whatever the gap. My cousin’s two are 4 years apart and to her it’s the dream, she can list off the million perks, and I agree with them all, and can’t believe they could possibly be happier.

However it does seem a little bit silly that those of us with a smaller age gap can be made to feel like wallys or indirectly called reckless, and I’m pretty sure that’s where my defensive tone comes from.

I say let’s just celebrate the hand we have and heartily support each other in being joyful through the unique and varied sticky bits.

Helena Lomas

Mum to Noah (aged 3) and Nico (aged 2), wife to Chris and proud Brightonite. Happiest mooching in parks, coffee shops and sea fronts with happy boys, scooters and coffee and laughing with the chaos

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