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What might help you if you’re grieving baby loss
The beginning….
The most common question I am asked by grieving parents is; when will I feel like I did before?
You may never. You’re not that person anymore. That’s ok. How you feel now, will not be how you feel always. Allow yourself time to grieve. You will find a place for this, but that day is not today.
Today just do what you have to do,
It’s ok to shut people out if you have to. Opening up will come when you are ready.
Anger is equal to sadness. It’s the injustice of it all. Giving birth to a baby that you loved and wanted desperately. You’re right to be angry. Be fucking angry. Breath that in. If you need to vent; vent.
Leaving hospital without your baby is hard – especially when you’re leaving a labour ward where you are surrounded by those leaving with theirs. It helped knowing where
Let other people deal with the stuff you can’t- our friend arranged Freddie’s funeral with us. I chose the poems and the hymns. Get help with this, it’s really tough.
Other practical stuff – my milk came in which was painful in every sense. There is medication that can stop this which I took, I was desperate to cling on to any part of him. But I recommend that you do take these.
The Funeral – I am not religious. But for some reason, I
After the funeral – this is a definite ‘stage’ because you’ve been building up to that day, it gives you a focus. It is still the beginning. I was still at the ‘do whatever it takes to get through the day’ phase.
Ok so now for survival – you will get through this. Try and do this together
Important things to note – If you think you’re going to struggle with other peoples babies, say so. Don’t feel
If you don’t think you want to sit in coffee shops full of newborns. Avoid all high street beverage sellers until at least midday. Or just don’t in them at all, for the short term at least.
If you arrange to meet up with friends, do so on your terms. It’s ok to call the shots for now.
The greatest advice I can give you as a whole is a bit of a life mantra for me actually
’CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLE’S’
What you can control
When you leave the house
Where you go
What you do.
What you can’t control
Who
What you will see
How you will feel
Be prepared when you do leave for what may distress you
Other babies
Friends that don’t know what to say
Friends that do know what to say with their babies
Anything at all baby related. They are everywhere.
Prepare yourself as much as possible for a situation that my arise that you can’t control. Try and find a mental place that you can go to protect yourself. Even if that strength is only for the time it takes to get home.
Talk to someone, if you can. This is one of my
Talk to each other, we didn’t do this either really, I didn’t support Will at all. Another regret. In fact even now on his birthday, Freddie is the elephant in the room.
When there is loss, the line ‘there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of him…’ Is banded around. Not true. There will be. You’ll laugh when something’s funny. You’ll find strength when you need to. In fact, you’ll be stronger than ever before, because the unthinkable has happened. So when
Write a letter to your baby. I wrote masses. One was over 20 pages long! It’s so cathartic.
We planted a tree, a crab apple. It’s in Norfolk in my Mother’s garden and has grown so much, like he would have done. Freddie’s Tree, brings me peace every time I see it or think of it.
Perhaps do something in the name of your baby? We hosted dinners for Tommy’s The Baby Charity. I appreciate we are in a position to be able to do this. But there are countless
Remember, this is my advice, this might help. How I feel or felt could be entirely different to how another person reacts to baby loss.
It won’t feel like this every day. Time will be your salvation. Give yourself time. Your baby can’t be replaced, but if you are fortunate like we were, to go on and have more babies, it won’t make you feel less forlorn about your baby loss, but if will bring you more joy and happiness than I could
If you are able; be braver than me, face this point in your life, better than I did. It may offer you a less painful path in the future.
I was told that one day Freddie and I would be together again. They were wrong. He is the babies who survived, he is the research that goes on in his name to his day. The watcher of his siblings, my greatest listener, my Birdy, my boy. He’s with me always, he never left.
From one parent to another I send you warmth, love and support.
Caro x
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