What Parents Really Want For Christmas by the Scummy Mummies

Helen Thorn - 14 Dec 16

It’s official: 2016 has been a bit fucked. Thank God this year is nearly over, we all cry.

But before the years ends, we have to get through that really relaxing time of year, Christmas. If we were to believe the ‘internet’, by now we would have all bought our gifts on Black Friday, have them wrapped up under the tree and be surrounded by homemade bunting and gluten-free mince pies. Incorrect.

Whatever happened to writing a nice list of thoughtfully chosen presents? Then losing that list, and spending 24 December in John Lewis, panic buying socks and candles? That’s the real spirit of Christmas.

Let’s be honest – once you’re a grown-up, it’s not about the presents anyway. It’s about watching telly, eating ham by the kilo and drinking Baileys by the pint. We all have enough pashminas and hand cream to last us until we are dead. We are not sure how much warmer and moister we can get.

So frankly, all that Black Friday nonsense can go in the bin. Here’s what the Scummy Mummies really want for Christmas – no fistfights in Argos required.

1. Our kids to flush the toilet. 
Truly, it would be a Christmas miracle to go into the loo and see no evidence of previous use.

2. To watch a film. 
   We’d like to get through one whole movie without being interrupted, or falling asleep and waking up on a cushion covered in drool as the credits roll.3. Sleep.
   What we wouldn’t give for a full night’s shut-eye. And, for an extra stocking filler, to wake up with a bacon sandwich, in SILENCE.

   4. Sex. 
   Proper sex. Before midnight. While sober.

   5. Health. 
   We’d love it for everyone in our families to remain free of nits, colds and disease for the entire festive season. If this isn’t possible, we’d be happy if people just used tissues for their own noses.

   6. A bath. 
   A nice long one, with no visitors who think it’s fun to hop in and do a wee on our legs. If you really want to spoil us, we’d like to do a solo poo, without observers, commentary, or anyone asking how long we are going to be.

   7. Not to feel like I live with Jay Rayner or Paul Hollywood.
   Just once, we’d like to make and serve an entire meal without anyone complaining about the taste, ingredients, temperature, colour, or the fact their plate features Elsa instead of Anna. And we’d like to consume our own food without once having to leave our chair, or give ourselves indigestion by speed eating.

   8. Better shoe management. 
   We’d swap every present under the tree for a promise that our husbands will never leave their shoes in front of the sofa EVER AGAIN. And just once, we’d like our kids to respond to the instruction “Put your shoes on” by actually putting their shoes on. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD?

   9. Supermarket
   It would be great to go to the supermarket without anyone having a breakdown (us) or a tantrum (the kids.) (All right, us as well.)

   10. To drink ALL THE WINE.
   And wake up in January.

   So what’s on your Christmas list?

A new episode of The Scummy Mummies Podcast is released every fortnight – listen free via scummymummies.com or  iTunes. We’re on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter – @scummymummies
Our first book, Scummy Mummies, is being published by Quadrille on 9 March 2017, and is now available for pre-order via Amazon. 

For more, please visit www.scummymummies.com/.

Helen Thorn

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