What we can all learn from Beyonce and Jay Z’s marriage

MUMISH - 8 Jul 18

Those who know me well, are privy to two key pieces of information about me: that my fear of spiders (enduring, intense, irrational) is matched only by my love for Beyonce (enduring, intense, although never irrational, ‘cos – you know – BEYONCE ).

I’ve been lucky enough to see her perform in London four times; twice with Destiny’s Child, once when she was in her Crazy In Love/Sean Paul/arse-of-a-mind-of-its-own phase, and more recently, on her incredible Formation tour. It was absolutely worth bordering on a state of dehydration for because my friend and I didn’t want to consume any liquids (on a blisteringly hot day) and risk needing the toilet, thus surrendering our hard-won spot at Wembley, very close to the stage. So near I almost felt one of her hair whips, in fact. So, yes, in short, I love her. To be honest, I’d probably be first in line for a ticket if she announced she was forming a trio with Lee and H from Steps. 

Her most recent album with husband Jay Z (known together as The Carters) titled ‘Everything In Love’, includes, in the riotously brilliant ‘Apeshit’, the line, ‘I can’t believe we made it’. Speculation abounds that this is a reference to their much publicised marital woes, which provided most of the inspiration for her groundbreaking visual album, ‘Lemonade’, and in particular, Jay Z’s rumoured infidelities (remember ‘Becky with the good hair’?)

On the surface, it seems baffling that Beyonce – a woman so revered, admired and worshipped, she has taken on an almost god-like status among her fans – would stay with a man who let her down so publicly. She is clearly financially independent and wildly successful; she doesn’t NEED Jay Z, we presume. So why on earth would she forgive him?

Well, for starters, they had a child together (they have since welcomed two more – twins). And, it’s clear she still loves him. But the simple truth is, and what I have to remind myself (and sometimes, others) time and time again, is that no-one ever truly knows what takes place in a marriage behind closed doors apart from those involved. There are always two sides to every story, after all – and usually more than that. No one can fully appreciate a long-term relationship’s intricacies and complexities. We can guess and speculate; we can cast aspersions and proportion blame. We often choose to believe someone is guilty and someone innocent. Right or wrong. Good or bad. We like to appoint the hero and the villain. We instinctively pick a side. But people are rarely all one thing and none of the other. We, as human beings, are all capable of light and shade. And, let’s not forget, marriages and long term relationships are really, really hard work. 

When I married at age 25, I considered it my happy ending. The culmination of an eight year relationship; a ring on my finger, a white dress and a veil, being the ultimate prize. Ten years on, my marriage is dissolved – consigned to paperwork in a solicitor’s filing cabinet. I now understand only too well the pointlessness of blame and instead, the value in trying to recognise the part you played in a situation that went awry.

I’m not going to lie. This is incredibly difficult. Painful? Excruciatingly so at times. But while I can’t speak for my ex-husband, I’d like to think we both learnt more from the end of our marriage than a self-help book could ever have taught us. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but, essentially – and despite what nearly everyone around us probably said at the time – we BOTH fucked up. Crucially, though, I believe it’s made us more realistic in our subsequent relationships. I understand the fragility and delicacy of them. The beauty when it works seems all the greater when you’ve lived through the ugliness of it when it hasn’t. 

I see marriage now not unlike juggling half a dozen balls in the air. Lose sync, take your eye off one them, misjudge the rhythm…and they’ll all fall to the ground. It sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? And sometimes, it can can definitely feel that way. But it doesn’t mean you can’t pick them up and start again. A blip (in whichever way that qualifies itself to you – and only YOU can set the boundaries and expectations on that) doesn’t have to mean you give up and throw the towel in forever. Age and experience has taught me no-one is perfect – not you, certainly not I, and probably not Beyonce either (though it pains me to admit this – BELIEVE me). Nor is marriage.

I hope Beyonce and Jay Z make it. I want to believe marriage can withstand storms, and trials, and tests, and tribulations, and even women with exceptionally good hair. I would love to think they both learnt lessons from past mistakes. But more than all that, I admire them for not caring about what anyone else thinks (which must be hard when the world has its glare on you). It’s their relationship, their life, their story; they have every right to keep changing the narrative.

MUMISH

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