When did I become the judgemental one?

Amanda - 16 Apr 15

So, I like to think I am a liberal kind of girl. I roll with the best of them, I’m chilled out (ok, maybe not completely, but I try). I make telly programmes, so I work in the meed-ja, and like to think I’m still youngish and liberal. I like to think I am above the traditional conservative norms. I live and let live. Nothing bothers me about other people. Each to their own and all that.

Until I realise that I have a devil on my shoulder, and in my head, and sometimes coming right out of my big old mouth.

You see, I truly, truly believe in standing up for your sisters. Like all strong girls I know, my friends are my rock. And they rock. Big time. We’ve been through thick and thin together. We know each other inside out – all the good and bad bits. If any one of us were in need, we would be there. I have no doubt about that.

So when it came to having kids, well we were all in this together. Weren’t we?

Ha, nothing it seems can divide a group of friends more than becoming mothers. Sad but true.

Don’t get me wrong, the girls are still my girls but there are now unspoken gremlins in the room when we are with our kids (these gremlins disappear when we are alone and with wine, or when one of us is having a mare, or crisis).

When I had Harry, I was the first in my group and everyone fussed appropriately. I was kind of apart from the group as no one fully got the pregnancy, tiredness, sober thing. But this was fine. Nothing would change.

And Harry was born. And a fuss was made and was lovely as I imagined it would be.

But then the comments started. Slowly. At first. (I should point out, I don’t for a minute think that these were deliberate. They were just things that were said. But I was definitely taking it to heart)

Harry was 8 days old and I was a tired, bursting with love, overawed with baby miracle when my best friend suggested it would do me good to go to the cinema and leave my baby. (I realise in hindsight she was trying to be nice, but did she realise he was my first baby and the idea of leaving him?). I bristled. Eh no. So why did I feel like I was in the wrong?

Then within a matter of months, more comments came ‘oh, you’re going back to work…so soon’, ‘oh, you will leave him to go away for a night once a fortnight’, ‘kids need discipline’, ‘Can he not sit up?’, ‘is he not on solids yet?’, ‘is he not sleeping through the night?’ ‘ But why not?’

If these comments had come from strangers, I would have had (and did) the perfect well timed response. Even when they came from my mum, I could handle it. (That’s a different experience)

But from my friends? My nearest and dearest friends who I would laugh and banter with about any subject known to man? Clearly the bonds we have with our mates come with their own set of rules and regulations that I didn’t even know existed. And to me, it felt like they were being broken.

Was I doing it all wrong? Was I really a bad mum?

And then. The tables turned. My friends started having babies. And I realised a very important lesson. We all have that voice. That annoying, questioning, slightly aggravating voice.

My worst fear is that maybe my voice might even be the worst., I am not a complete bitch and I try to keep this inside. I love my girls. So why then do I find myself turning the tables and thinking ‘why is her baby wearing so many clothes?’, ‘I think that child needs to eat more’, ‘I think she is a stressed out mum’, ‘why is she acting like the only woman to have a child, ever?’

This was a real life lesson for me.

Of course the irony is that by this point, my bouncing baby has become a terrible two toddler and oh there is plenty of comments coming at me. I admit that a lot more of these could be justified.

So life has taught me one big, almighty lesson. We are all as bad as each other. So girls, I love you all, and your kids. And for my inner voice, I’m trying. Really I am trying. Maybe you could all try too?

Amanda

I'm mum to 2 year old Harry, I'm also a Producer / Director in TV and after several years working in London have returned to my home in Glasgow.

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