When I grow up I want to be a Mum

Melanie Duffield - 8 Apr 18

All the career talks I heard growing up always made me feel so unprepared for life as a grown up because I had absolutely no idea what sort of grown up I wanted to be! A Police Officer, a Physiotherapist, a Dancer, a Teacher, a Wedding Planner?! I thought I wanted to be all of the above at some stage of my life. All I ever knew for certain was that when I grew up I wanted to be a Mummy! And just between us I was desperate to be a mummy to girls!

I realise how lucky I am to have my two gorgeous girls and they are everything I had ever hoped for growing up and wishing for my family. However, I do wish the careers advisors had warned me of the skills and experience I would need to fulfil this role! After being a Mum now for almost four years, I am learning that this is one of the the hardest jobs there is. It ages you five years in the first three months, it questions your decision making, your patience and your self confidence and makes you to cry, scream and laugh until you cry almost every day!

I’ve been thinking about other young girls who dream of being a mum and thinking about the advice I can give them to prepare for the most important job they’ll ever have. So here are the things I wish I’d known before popping out two small humans:

Labour is completely natural and your body knows exactly what to do, so let it do it’s job! There is no such thing as “pushing”, your body pushes the baby out all by itself with no need to physically do anything except relax and breath. In my experience, if you can remain calm and let your body take on the responsibility, then labour can be the most amazing and wonderful experience. Don’t get me wrong, there can be complications, where no amount of relaxing and breathing will help. I have had two types of labour, a textbook, no intervention birth and a c section. For me the natural labour was by far the better of the two. It was definitely a case of mind over matter and if you do all the research (NCT are great) and know what your body can do, you’ll know what feels right and when you need some extra help.

Breast is not always best. Breastfeeding is also completely natural, but my boobs just didn’t work in the same way that my body did in labour!  I assumed that it would come naturally and would be easy if I was relaxed, but it didn’t work for me and I switched to formula within two weeks for both of my girls. It is OK not to breastfeed if you don’t want to, or if it doesn’t work out for you. Breastfeeding is a wonderful experience and creates a bond that only you have with your child, but they will be just as loved, happy and healthy receiving their food from a bottle in your arms and if that makes you a happier and more relaxed mum then it’s better for both of you. There is so much pressure to breastfeed, but every mum should be given the space and time to work out what method is right for them and follow their instincts. It’s not for everyone nor is it the only option.

After babies your career and confidence take a bit of a knock. I was shocked at how little I had to say for myself after having a baby. I lacked the confidence to have an opinion on anything (except my babies) and found myself overwhelmed by conversations about Brexit and sales reporting at work. I am still slowly building on my confidence but it’s affected my career and desire to progress. My responsibilities at work continue to increase, but I lack the confidence to allow them to develop and feel I am at a crossroads as to what I want from my career at this stage of my life. The loss in confidence kind of crept up on me during my year off work. Perhaps the answer would be to not take so long off, but I’d have personally found it hard going back before my girls were both one. Starting my own venture with Mums Like Me has given me an opportunity to reinvent myself and build on my confidence, as bringing people together, helping others and organising events are things I can do naturally. It’s kept my mind busy and given me a taste for more flexible working, so I’ll continue to work at it and am excited to see what it might become!

Your social life becomes brunch, lunch, WhatsApp and Netflix! Basically, dinners out as a couple become lunch out with the family. Dinner dates with girlfriends become brunch. Long chats over tea and biscuits to your girlfriend or mum become WhatsApps at random intervals where one conversation can go on for up to five days and chill time is Netflix in bed!! None of those compromises bother me too much, I still get the odd dinner out with hubbie or some girlfriends and maybe twice a year (Mother’s Day and Birthday) I get to have a proper catch up with no interruptions with my mum, maybe even in a spa! If you’re someone who parties too hard, sleeps until noon and goes MIA every weekend then motherhood is going to be a big shift for you!

You’ll lose yourself for a while. At some stage of your parenting journey you may feel like you’ve lost your identity and self a little bit. Focusing all your love and energy on your baby is exhausting and we forget ourselves and our own needs until we’re burnt out. Be kind to yourself, always! It is absolutely OK to not be OK and you won’t be the only one feeling like your not coping or that you’ve lost control. Loving your kids is enough and if that’s all you are up to today or for as long as you need then that is enough.

We are all self taught mothers, doing it our own way, following our own instincts. Support other mums in their journey, recognise when you need to focus on you and enjoy the best job there is!

Melanie Duffield

View profile for posts, events and more info