Where do you find your strength?

Sarah Wheatley - 7 Oct 15

A colleague once asked me: “Where do you find your strength?” and it has been a useful question for me throughout my life. I think it is a question that can be really helpful for us as new mothers, as when we become a new mum, many of our familiar coping mechanisms aren’t available to us. During our lives we find ways of coping with stresses and strains, but when we become mothers we might not be able to use these so easily.

For example, if you are someone who likes routine, then the chaos of being ‘dictated’ to by the needs of your baby might feel overwhelming. Or if you are used to being able to get out and exercise when you need some headspace, it might feel really hard not to be able to get out so easily, especially when your body is recovering. Other people can find it hard not to be surrounded by the companionship of colleagues at work, and might find being a new mother to be a very isolating experience. I just hated losing my ‘space’, my quiet, my time on my own.

Whilst we adjust to this new situation, it can be very disconcerting and hard to recognise that part of what you are feeling is due to not being able to access these supports that you previously had in your life. Many of us think that we ‘should’ be able to manage OK, especially if everyone else seems to be doing fine.

Recognising what we’re missing is an important part of finding ourselves in our new role as a mother. It helps normalise some of the feelings you might be having and can give a clue as to what kind of support you might want to access. Stepping outside your situation and assessing it can be hard, as it is such a mammoth leap, so we need other people to help us do that sometimes.

It can be useful to look at the psychologist J. William Worden’s four ‘Tasks of Mourning’ when we are looking at how to adapt to becoming a parent:

Accept the reality of the loss (things HAVE changed).
Work through the pain of grief (this might not happen immediately).
Adjust to an environment which cannot be the same (at least not for a while).
Find some way of connecting with what you have lost in your new stage of life.

Working through these stages puts you in a better position to figure out what aspects of your life that you enjoyed before giving birth that you can incorporate into your life now. The clearer you are about what it was you have lost, the better position you are in to come up with ideas as to how to move forward.

When I realised that I missed the space to think and just mull things over, it became really helpful to start writing emails to people, whether I sent them or not. It helped me try to name and describe my situation, and that really helped me have a different sense of perspective.

Grieving and adjusting takes time. Don’t expect yourself to ‘get it’ immediately, but allow things to percolate. You will get there.

Sarah Wheatley

Counsellor, wife, mother, bee lover. Lives beside the sea in Edinburgh. Works with pregnant and new parents to help them not just cope but thrive.

View profile for posts, events and more info