Who’s getting an invite to your birth?

Lauren Derret - 20 Feb 16

Michel Odent asks the question here;  “Does the participation of the father aid or hinder the birth?”

Interesting question, and one that I’m sure on first thought in our throughly modern world would evoke an inward gasp. He has to be there? He made the baby he can damn well mop my brow when I’m birthing the baby!! It’s the very least he can do??!

But I’m wondering if we fall back on the obvious choice of birth partner out of expectation, fear of your fella being judged or fear of going it alone?! Back in the day, women would have birthed in the caves with women, it was the natural order of things but, we have now evolved and men are welcomed into the birth space, even expected to be in the birth space. But, what if that doesn’t work for you as a couple? Will it define your relationship if he’s not supporting you at your birth?

I am currently sat feeling triumphant with a glass of red wine in a hotel lobby! I’m on a mini break with my 12 year old and 3 year old and this morning we have managed to get to St James’ Park, Buck house and the Science Museum. Alone, just me and 2 kids. I feel like a parent worrier, I can do this shiz!!

Rewind back to yesterday, we had my husband with us, we done the Shrek Adventure. He’s the man, he’s the strong one, when he’s around I feel less capable. I love this man with all my heart but he does seem to bring out the weak in me. I become a pathetic winge bag who felt incapable of everyday practical parenting tasks. Totes bugs the crap out of me that I become this person but that is what happens.

And it was the same when I was preparing to birth. I done the HypnoBirthing for me, I booked the doula for me, I prepared to birth for me and thank the Lord above he was happy for me to indulge myself. I guess as it was my 4th birth he kinda trusted in me knowing what I needed for me (even if it does go against usual convention. *I am a total reb)

For you to feel completely comfortable at your birth, you have to choose what goes down at your birth. This is happening to you and for you to feel in control, well, you have to be in control.

Now, please don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that you should banish your man from your birth, absolutely not. I’m merely suggesting that you consider your birthing environment and how to make yourself feel your strongest, how to feel most capable and  who you’d have around you who makes you  feel this way.

I have been at births where the birth was completely owned by man and wife, midwives and doulas (me) were happy bystanders whilst the birthing couple brought their little human into the world together. It was a sight to behold and one that no birth supporter in the world could infiltrated. It was just right for them.

I’ve been at birth whereby the fella has been happy to be made ‘useful’ taking photos and digging out the essentials from the bottom of the vast birth bag, but sitting at a comfortable distance whereby he see’s the miracle of his child born but doesn’t feel the pressure to support. No shame, there are no rules for birth.

I’ve supported at births where I was the only birthing partner. It worked beautifully, it’s exactly how the birthing mother felt safest, strongest and most in control and that is all good my friend, all good!

And I’ve been at a birth that was really interesting to see, my client literally changed depending on who was in the room, and yes, I’ve had clients them become stronger and more capable when their fella leaves the space. Almost like when we’re younger and our mum asks “how are you feeling?” I always felt worse when my mother/protector/saviour asked than when I was asked by one of my mates. To her I’d respond in a very child like whimper “not so great” but to them “Yea, I’ll live, wanna hit up the highstreet?” I felt weaker dependant on who was asking.

When I was birthing I knew that I’d be much the same. However much I loved my husband, I knew he would make me feel asthough I needed him to make it better, knowing that he couldn’t, I would feel weaker, dependent and maybe resentful?  I knew that | needed another woman supporting me. Sure, he was by my side for every surge (contraction) but at that moment I drew all my strength from my doula. She got it, she new the patience needed and when I looked into her eyes, she just knew. God love my husband but biology dictates that he will never know.

When preparing for you birth, consider who you need and make the right choice for you. The only rules are yours. My dear, you totally call the shots. If your fella is the strength that gets you through then get them get him on board with your birth prep, if you feel you need a little something different then seek that different out and know that when you do, you lovely girl will be ready to birth!

Lauren Derret

I’m Lauren, mum of 4 humans, each with their very own birth story. Red wine drinker, keen blogger, trash tv watcher and pretty hard core potty mouth! But, with a good heart and a passion for setting lovely women like you onto a path towards a positive birthing experience, and we’ll have fun doing it; always a bonus! I teach The Wise Hippo Birthing Programme and am a Doula Uk recognised Doula

View profile for posts, events and more info