Why do I resent my husband’s success?

Sarah - 6 Nov 19

Why do I resent my husband’s success?

There, I have said it. I have been thinking this for quite some months, but to say it out loud, is some relief.

This comes on the fitting day that my husband has just confirmed he has been successful for a promotion he applied for. Yes of course, I am thrilled for him, I am happy there might be more money in our family pot, and I know he will excel at the challenge, which is only good for everyone involved.

But I feel like I am on the road to no-where at high speed and I have no idea how this can be improved. He is thriving and I am not.

Before we adopted our children 3 and a half years ago, I was successful and fulfilled in my career.  My husband went to university early on our marriage and I was there to fully support him. When he finished, we earned the same amount of money but when I submitted my flexible working request to return after my adoption leave, it was flatly denied. I was crushed. I fought or course, but in the end, knowing I was not welcome back there, leaving seemed the right thing to do for my family and I. I didn’t have energy for a battle, I was a new mum and had so much more to think about, so I resigned after 17 years.

This eliminated a lot of my confidence.

I took a further few months to secure a more family focused part time job, which I now I have but I have never felt more perplexed about where I can go with my life.

I have a dream. I want to write. I want to finish the novel that is halfway through. I have 3 more ideas brewing but I have no time. Family life takes over, I’m exhausted of an evening and although I have tried to write then, daytime suits me better. However the  manic family schedule doesn’t quite take over my husbands desires. He still attends football matches, plays football, runs a couple of times a week, it is all so plain sailing. Whereas, I have to ask, remind and repeat a request for a morning alone to write. It appears it is not a priority for anyone but me.

I don’t want to work, but our finances say I must. I want to write all day and complete some writing courses to help with my books. I want, I want… I do sound rather spoiled, don’t I? Will I ever achieve my dream of finishing my books? Probably not.

I wanted the family and I now have it, but I am so jealous of my husband and finding the word congratulations today, is so bloody hard to say. I’ve been aware before becoming a Mum, that (we) women can’t have it all, but now I’m living that, my gosh it’s hard. Men can have it all, but we cannot.

That is hard to write and hard to live but I have faced the acceptance of a loss before.

When I was trying to get pregnant, my therapist and I discussed the loss of never having a family. The grieving process was so difficult but I managed it and lived to tell the tale. I suppose, it’s time to dust off the the ole tool box and acknowledge I may have another loss to bury.

Sarah

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