Why does Motherhood feel so hard?

Victoria Casebourne - 19 Oct 17

It seems to me that almost every Mum I chat to is finding it hard. I know there are some circles of Mums who say everything is a breeze and they love sitting on the cold floor making the same Peppa Pig puzzle for the fourth day running and gives them a real sense of fulfillment.. a sort of competition on who finds Motherhood the easiest..

But I seem to attract the real Mums into my life which I am totally grateful for. There is no room for the motherhood competition in my world… I am barely managing to keep it together being the totally imperfect Mum I am.. let alone being a polished perfect one.

Anyway I have been reflecting ALOT recently on why there is so much struggle at the moment and I feel it boils down to one thing..

Basically I feel we are in a period of transition and our generation is taking one for the team. We are going through a time where we are redefining not only what it means to be a Mother, but what it means to be a Woman. A time of total change and let’s face it.. change is hard.

The phrase goes something like:

“Change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle and beautiful a the end.”

I think we are somewhere between the beginning and the middle… hard and messy!

We need to keep going so our children and grandchildren get the beautiful ending.

Our partners and us were brought up in an era when women were at home and had to ‘look after’ the hard working men and the children. There were no other pressures on them.  Perhaps this started for our parents but certainly the generation before this seemed to have a clearer divide. Life was also so much easier at that time as there was no social media or internet to suck up our already limited time and feed our mind monkeys. Life is incredibly hard at the moment (or is it just me?!)

What seems to have happened is that as a Mother we have kept hold of the lion share of the responsibilities at home while at the same time have taken on an equal share of going out to ‘work’ whether that be for someone else or running a small business.

Now… for a little while I have secretly been seething at the men.. why can’t they see this isn’t equal? Why does it seem fair that the woman has to juggle so many things on top of work.. where quite often the men just have to worry about work… and then can switch off.. when do the mums get to switch off? Now this is a massive generalization and am sure this is not true for everyone.. but here is the thing….

I realized it is not their fault.. they are in a transition period too and are probably wondering why they are being asked to do so much around the house when their dads and grandfathers just had to work.. now they are being expected to work AND do things around the home..

So really it is about both parties coming together and accepting that times are changing and how we can best navigate this for a happy home.

This also means letting go of control over some areas which really do not matter and letting the Dad’s do things in their own way and being totally OK with it. Don’t try and be superwoman and do it all.. ask for help and if this does not work DEMAND help at home as it is a partnership. This may mean that things are not done to your standards or in the way you wanted them but who cares? It is one less thing you have to worry about and isn’t that a relief? Pass it on and let it go. Remember the man of the house is not helping you but you are helping each other to live the life you dream of TOGETHER. You can’t do this alone and it is time we realise this before we all break ourselves inside and out.

It is NOT your responsibility as a Mum to do all the cleaning, the cooking, the party invites, the shopping, the planning etc etc… it is HALF your responsibility. This is just an outdated misplaced sense of responsibility which is feeding on the guilt about the way life used to be along with our increasing feeling of failing as a mother. Life is no longer that simple.

We NEED to let go of this feeling of responsibility and any control we may be holding over this quickly to allow the change to happen faster.

We need to be let off the hook and for society to see us as equals in every sense of the word. It really does start with redefining Motherhood and what being a ‘good’ Mum means.

But let’s not play the blame game. Remember it is not the men’s fault as they are adjusting as much as us… they are probably struggling as much as us. Their jobs are probably are more taxing than their Dads or Grandfathers because of this modern world we find ourselves in where we are always reaching for more. We never seem happy with what we have any more. The pressure on us all is immense.

So please take a moment to acknowledge that just because the role of the Mum was historically to do everything at home.. it no longer is. You have as much right to go out and follow your career or dreams and you should not be expected to do everything else on top.

Try these steps to try and address the balance… you will need both of you to get onboard for this to happen so if you are finding it hard then explain to your husband and tell him how you feel.

STEP 1: Write down everything you have to do at home (and then the roles of your partner) and then compare
STEP 2: Split it down the middle and share the tasks out between you
STEP 3: Let go of what is not on your list and commit to being ok with however your partner carries out his tasks. It is no longer your responsibility. You will only make him feel bad about himself and you will take back control before the end of the week so everyone suffers.
STEP 4: Remember that you are doing this to make room for you and your dreams and when you do this your family will reap the rewards as they will have a happier you in exchange.

Lots of love
Victoria (@vcasebourne on Insta – would love to connect!)

Victoria Casebourne

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