Why I won’t be apologising – thank you!

Emily du Feu - 24 Jan 18

Having 3 children is a juggling act for sure, you have to spin lots and lots of plates and the older they get – the plates just change into different plates. If you have school age children you’ll know the new-found mummy guilt inflicted is on the lines of ‘can you come in and have a tea party mummy?’ ‘Can you come in and see my classroom next Wednesday morning so I can show you around?’ ‘Can you come and help us walk into the village while we do a bug hunt Mummy?’ and so on…

However I officially work full time. Now full time wasn’t really on my wish list. However, a flexible job, mostly from home was. It meant I could do the school run, do my best to still get work done if any of them were off sick, only need childcare for the school hours for my youngest, no commute costs or time wasted. But in my quest to find this job, I found it but it was full time. Now whilst not ideal, the money was good and it ticked lots of the other boxes on my list and beggars can’t be choosers so I took it. But it does mean that I have to say no to the ‘read with Mummy’ mornings, or the ‘Tea parties’ and if the sad look on my middle kid’s face isn’t enough to make me feel like the worst Mum ever, it’s the other Mums that really blow your mind.

Where’s the comradery people?? I know we are ALL different. And maybe some of them don’t realise I even work as I do 90% of the school drop offs and pick ups but since when is it acceptable as human beings to make each other feel like a grade A shockingly AWFUL mum? I’ve had rolls of the eyes, I’ve had them put me on the spot and ask WHY I can’t attend, I have had one woman ask me why I choose to work. I mean unbelievable! My answer? Well there’s actually lots of answers to that question, what my answer should be to her is none of your business why I work. But I work because I want to, I enjoy it, it makes me – me, I have to, we would struggle financially if I didn’t, because I want to be a great role model to my children (slight disclaimer here that I also think that mums who stay at home are also fabulous role models too – I just resemble a dragon woman when I have been a stay at home mum so my kids don’t get the best of me and getting the best of me gives my kids a better role model), because I work in an industry where you have a break and you are quickly out of touch, because I want to have a career AND have a family, because it makes me happy (it also makes me sad too but the grass is ALWAYS greener).

Would I work if I didn’t have to? Yes! Not full time, and mostly term time admittedly. There would be no pressure on me to earn, so I would cherry pick my work and only work with clients I love, and they would be well aware I had a family and that they came first but I am not in a position where I can cherry pick my work. We rely on my wage – and whilst we could probably survive if I didn’t work it would be very, very hard and I enjoy being able to have a treat every now again.

I guess my point is, and we ALL do it, before you judge other Mums – just remember you don’t know why they do what they do. Maybe they don’t attend the school things because they are painfully shy, or suffer with anxiety, maybe they are caring for a family member, maybe they work, maybe they have to work, maybe they don’t have to work but still work because it helps them be a better person for their family, maybe they are suffering with crippling depression, maybe they forgot, maybe they just got some bad news, maybe it is their only day off this week and they just want to sit in peace and have an hour to themselves. Whatever people’s reasons – don’t make judgements on them. Especially on each other as Mums, we have enough mum guilt we inflict on ourselves without other mums turning on us so do one! It doesn’t affect you or your child if I don’t show for the tea party.

Finally I don’t care if you work, don’t work whatever – we are all parents. We all have no clue what we are doing and at different stages of the week or month flounder in all the parenting. We are all human – so let’s just be kind. Practice what we preach to the kids – BE KIND THANK YOU!

Emily du Feu

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