For most of my adult life I’ve had a body I’ve liked. Yes, sometimes I’ve felt like there are things I’d like to change but overall I’ve been confident that I look OK and that I’m attractive to my husband.

I was lucky with my post-baby body after babies 1 and 2. My body pretty much went back to how it had been. A size 8-10, no stretch marks or visible signs that I’d grown two human beings (except for some loose skin on my stomach). I’d get lots of compliments on how great I looked for someone with two kids or how well I’d done to lose the baby weight as quickly as I did. And I didn’t ever doubt that I was attractive or desirable.

Baby number 3, however, had a much bigger impact on my body. And not in a good way…

In the early days of my third pregnancy I began to notice that my husband had stopped complimenting me. He used to tell me that I “looked yummy” or put his arms round me to let me know he was thinking naughty thoughts. I’ll be the first to admit that I was exhausted, miserable and feeling pretty rough in those first months so I know I wasn’t looking my best. But I missed getting those things anyway.

As the pregnancy went on the lack of intimacy and compliments became even more obvious. I started to feel anxious about how I looked and whether or not he still found me attractive. And for the first time, I really started to hate my body.

But it was OK because once the baby was out I’d lose the weight again and get back to looking like my old self. Hopefully meaning that my husband would make me feel like I was attractive and desirable again.

As you might have guessed, this was not what happened.

Since having my third baby I’ve put on a lot of weight and gone up a few dress sizes. Even though baby is a year old I still look about 5 months pregnant. My hair is as dry as straw and really frizzy (I’m also amazed I’ve got any left given the amount I pull out of the drain each morning). Oh, and obviously I look exhausted because I’m a mum of three with a baby who still won’t sleep through the night.

This time round there have been no compliments about how great I look given that I’ve had a baby. From anyone. Any intimacy between me and my husband is a rare occurrence and pretty much a distant memory. It’s safe to say that I feel pretty unattractive and I suspect if my husband were to try and compliment me at this point I’d assume that it was just from pity rather than any genuine thought that I look OK.

Here’s the thing though – part of me suspects that my husbands lack of attention or intimacy is a reflection of how I’m feeling deep down. It can be a catch 22. I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive so I keep my distance. I don’t make an effort in how I look because I don’t think it’s will be enough to get a compliment out of him. I don’t initiate any intimacy because I’m too fearful of rejection and I probably don’t respond very well when he initiates it because I’m paranoid about stripping off in front of him.

So how do I know if my husband’s apparent lack of interest in me or sex is because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore or whether it’s because I’ve put barriers up because I’m feeling inadequate in my new post-baby body?

There is, of course, an obvious solution.

I could just ask him if he still finds me attractive.

If the answer is no, well then I can deal with that and think about what I do with that information. If the answer is yes then I can leave all my anxieties behind and stop giving mental energy to worrying about whether or not I’m still wanted by my husband.

So why don’t I ask him?

Quite simply, because I’m scared to. Because what if the answer is no? How would I cope with that? What would it mean for my relationship or just my general self esteem? How much would it hurt if my husband admitted he didn’t find me attractive anymore?

But, the alternative is staying stuck where I am. With the constant worrying about how he feels about my body. With the anxiety that he doesn’t want me anymore or worse, is repulsed by my post-baby body.

That’s not a great place to be so, it’s time to put my big girl pants on and just ask. Because knowing is better than living with uncertainty and fear.

Changes to a woman’s body are inevitable with pregnancy but lots of new mums really struggle with the way their body looks after a baby . We worry that our partners won’t love our new bodies the way they loved our old bodies. Or that we aren’t sexy or attractive anymore. There can be so many fears and insecurities about how your partner feels about your post-baby body. We can feel that because we don’t like the changes to our bodies that they don’t either.

A lot of the time those fears are unfounded. You just need to give your partner a chance to reassure you and tell you you’re still beautiful. That means asking the difficult question and being honest about how you are feeling.

I know it’s not easy. Asking someone if you are good enough for them physically is about as vulnerable as you can be. But it’s like ripping a plaster off. It needs to be done and the quicker you do it the quicker you can deal with any scars left behind. Plus wouldn’t it be nice to find out that your partner thinks you are just as sexy as you were before kids? To let go of all those anxieties and just enjoy knowing you are loved by your partner just the way you are?

So I’ll make you a deal. I’ll ask if you will…