Why I’m Too Selfish To Be A Surrogate Mother

Jennifer Landis - 21 Feb 19

Surrogates are amazing women.  I have the utmost respect for a woman who can carry a baby for nine months and to give that baby away to a loving home at the end of the pregnancy. It’s a life-changing experience, both for the surrogate and the baby’s soon to be parents.

After some serious self-reflection, I’ve concluded that I am too selfish to become a surrogate mother.

Introducing…Me!

First, to give you some background, I’m going to talk about myself for a minute.

I’m Jennifer.  My kids are currently 4 and 4 months old, so pregnancy is still pretty fresh in my brain.

On paper, I’d be an ideal candidate to become a surrogate. I’ve had not one but two healthy pregnancies, both ending in natural childbirth.

I eat healthy, exercise and am at a healthy weight for my height. On paper, I look perfect.

Until you talk to me. Then we might not get along so well.

I Didn’t Mind Being Pregnant

I see a lot of moms say they couldn’t become surrogates because they hated being pregnant. That is a legitimate reason to refuse to carry someone else’s bun in your oven, but it’s not one I can claim.

Others balk at the idea of sharing their baby box because pregnancy is risky, and they’re not wrong. Some risks accompany any pregnancy, whether you’re carrying your child or someone else’s. You’ve got worries like miscarriage, pre-term labor and developing conditions such as eclampsia, gestational diabetes or placenta previa. Even a healthy full-term pregnancy could end in an emergency C-section, which is a major surgery with serious recovery time.

I don’t have a problem with any of these things. Sure, I’d prefer to make money in a less risky way — one that could potentially leave my children without a mother if things go catastrophically wrong — but none of these things are the real reason why I couldn’t be a surrogate.

I Get Too Emotional

The risk to my health isn’t the reason why I consider myself too selfish to rent out my uterus. It’s the risk to my sanity that has me worried.

I was very emotional during both of my pregnancies, and I was irrevocably attached to the little bean growing in my womb from the moment I peed on that stick. There is no way I could carry a baby in my body, even one that wasn’t growing from one of my eggs, and be able to stay detached from it.

That’s why I have the utmost respect for women who can be surrogates without having their heart broken when they hand that new baby over to their mom and dad. Or mom and mom. Or dad and dad. Whatever the case may be. You have to be able to maintain a certain amount of emotional detachment to be able to do that, even once.

I couldn’t do that. So yes, I am selfish. I am too damn selfish to spend 40 weeks growing a tiny new human next to my heart, only to give them away as soon as I give birth.

But for me, the thought of going through the whole process of being pregnant. The doctor’s appointments and the mood swings, the desperate need for mac and cheese at all hours of the night, and however many hours labor and delivery take – to know that ultimately that tiny human will not be mine to snuggle and swaddle and love unconditionally is too much to bear.

It takes a very special kind of woman to be a gestational surrogate. These women are amazing, and they do what no one else can — at least until artificial wombs become available for humans instead of just for sheep. It’s just not something I could do, despite being a perfect physical candidate. I am just too selfish. I can’t separate myself from the emotion of being pregnant. Does that make me a bad person? No, I don’t think so. Because being honest with myself and being able to choose to say no is just as important a choice as the one to become a surrogate.

Jennifer Landis

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