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WHY IT’S GOOD TO GO AWAY
On the 17th July 2014 I took a flight from London to Pisa, alone. It was the first time I had taken a flight with neither my husband nor my children for five years – the last time I had boarded a plane on my own was in January 2009 when I went to South Africa for work. The flight I was taking this time was to attend my younger sister’s wedding.
I had been looking forward to it. Although it’s not really how I picture my life with children, it’s just a fact that I’m pretty much a full-time mother. I was surprised to have to admit to people
I have four hours off in the morning every termtime weekday to work but that leaves the other twenty hours of the day that are all on me. And it doesn’t matter that they’re asleep for most of it – if they wake up, it’s on me. Even if they don’t wake up in the night, in the morning, it’s on me. There is no flexibility, there is
I am at their beck and at their call. So even though I was rubbing my hands together with glee at the prospect of getting away from my domestic responsibilities for five whole days, I was surprised at how little a wrench I felt to go. I was leaving my husband behind to be primary carer as the wedding was too far away and too hot to take Kitty and Sam who were then 3.5 and about 1.2, neither especially interested in deep, cold swimming pools, very hot weather, or burrata.
My husband was to be
I felt I had earned time away.
I arrived, after a long day of travel, at my destination somewhere in Tuscany, where the rest of my family were staying. I stumbled to my room, a dank, dark,
For two days I slept, rising occasionally to take quiet snacks on my verandah, escort my nieces and nephews to the pool (all years older than my children and therefore a piece of cake), drink massive glasses of rose and then shrink back to my damp room to sleep for an hour in the afternoon, undisturbed, unobserved. No-body knew or minded where I was or what I was doing.
I had vague, dark-blue thoughts: maybe I would be happier without children. Maybe it
And then on the evening of the third day I was gripped in the stomach and chest by a terrible pain I concluded could only be homesickness. I could have vomited with it, cried with it.
I had barely noticed the room I was staying in up until then – I had simply shut my eyes and willingly lost myself in its peace and quiet. Now it was beastly, bleak,
I was relieved. I am moved by things that are truly sad, but I spend a lot of my life feeling quite disconnected. Mostly, I suspect, because my life is, in truth, very easy. But the fact was that even I
I returned to England after five days and I revelled in how full my life was in London, how busy, what purpose I had and how efficient and well-suited I was to the work. Shortly after I returned I was, again, aching and exhausted by the end of the day, driven demented by Sam’s pre-verbal, gutteral shrieking, wrung out by Kitty’s complicated games and non-stop chatter. I marvelled at how back-breaking bath time was and at the sheer
But on my holiday I had learned something: you can recover from 3.5 years of constant, hardcore childcare in two days. I also learned that it is perfectly okay to ask for that time off, and that now my husband has been on his own with the children for five nights (including the weekend), two nights will seem like a walk in the park. My life with small children no longer seems endless. It no longer seems like a prison sentence.
I remember when Sam was just born and my husband and I were talking
But we never considered the possibility that until such a time arrived that we could go away together without the children, we could, as well as going away as a family, go away separately, and enjoy a very particular kind of freedom that you feel when your co-parent is looking after your children.
Your children are having special Daddy time, while he sees the world from your
…and you?
You are able to exist solely, not as someone’s wife or mother, as the organiser, the schlepper, the worrier, the nag, but just you as you used to be. You can be girlish and haphazard again. You can drift, pause for no reason, dither, stall, wander. You can detour and only achieve two things in a whole day.
You can look up for the first time in months or years, look up from inside bags, carseats, lists, buggies, cupboards, toy-boxes, bins and shopping bags: you can look up, straighten your back and, like a sunflower,
This is an exclusive extract from Esther’s new book Bad Mother, published by The Friday Project as an ebook, priced £1.99
Tweet the author: @EstherWalker
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