WHY MAMAS NEED SAFETY MASKS FIRST

Molly Gunn - 3 Jul 14

There’s that bit in the safety instructions on an plane when the flight attendant tells you to put your mask on before helping your kids, in the event of an emergency. The gist is, of course, that us parents won’t be able to save our kids if we don’t save ourselves first.

But, over the last decade, parenthood in the western world has felt so kid-centric that it’s easy to imagine a plane-crashing-scenario where only the children survive. They’d be whooshing down the emergency slide, safety-masks firmly on while us mothers writhe around in the aisles, gasping for breath. Or, maybe those clever kids would put on OUR masks instead.

Because it’s natural, when looking after little folk to let their needs come first. After all, we as mothers have a burning instinct to nurture our AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL creations, and we want them to have the best that life can offer – of course! We see the miracle of them growing and learning every single day, and we feel honoured to be a part of it. They are our babies – whether they’re 6 months old or 16 years-old.

The natural order of things is that we mamas take a bit of a back seat once our kids come along, we often think of them before we think of ourselves. We would give up anything for them, make sacrifices for them, go to the ends of the earth for them and let’s be honest we are perfectly prepared to act like staff, if it keeps them quiet. As long as they say please and thank you, of course – polite ordering about we don’t mind.

And that’s ok. Because that’s what IT is all about. Right?

But, then, recently it’s felt like society at large has got in a weird baby-groove where kids rule the roost and us mothers are photoshopped out of the picture. It feels as if we should be busting a gut to ensure they’re the most supersonic little dudes that ever lived – or the earth will come crashing down. As if the future of the world depends on them being perfect.

We’ve got bookshelves brimming with childcare guides which have us busy as bees keeping up. Then there’s the unspoken competitiveness (with who?), as we try to keep up with after-school clubs, extra-curricular Russian lessons, play-dates (our kid has to be the most popular, right?) and a slew of party invites to rival Cara Delevingne.

But, as we rush about ensuring we follow the ‘rules,’ feeding them, teaching them, nurturing them, worrying about their schooling, and ferrying them to this party and countless clubs – this is all GREAT of us, because we’re doing our best – but, I wonder, when are we leaving any time for ourselves?

Is it still great if prioritising them becomes so the norm that we forget to think about us… as women? That we forget to nurture ourselves in the process… and secretly start to go nuts? I’m not sure it is, because the more we push back on our own daily pleasures and the more we forget our goals then the more we’re telling ourselves that we’re not important. And while our kids are definitely, definitely important, we are, too!

The happiest and most balanced mothers I know are the ones who put their needs up their with their children’s. Not to the detriment, of. And the funny thing is that this doesn’t mean the children suffer or miss out in any way, it actually means they benefit – from having a happy mother, and therefore a happy household. Also, they have a strong role model, not someone who lives to serve them but who has their own life, too. And… they have a little breathing space.

The short game is that looking after ourselves as well as our kids can make us happy on a daily basis, it can build our self-confidence, spur us on, and it can also improve our relationships with our partners… and our kids! And the long game is that we know who we are and have interests, when our kids up-stick and leave home. Whether we’re into meditation, yoga, meeting with friends, or running a business or just going for a jog… all we have to do is give ourselves some time.

I don’t think we should trying to be the person we were pre-kids. Because we’ve evolved from that person. But, if on a daily basis we think about what we need as well as what our kids (and our partner) need… then we’ll be going a little way to still feeling like US, as well as Mum. And however much we LOVE being mothers, it’s nice to be another entity, too.

So… let’s see how good we are putting our masks on first.

3 WAYS TO PUT ON SAFETY MASKS FIRST:

1) INTRODUCE YOURSELF
This might sound a little funny, but it’s a good-en. Introduce yourself to your kids. They know you as mummy (or mom), but let them meet YOU, and then tell them what you like doing. EG: “My name’s Molly and I like going to yoga every Tuesday night because it makes me happy.” Your kids will respect this, and feel part of your life, so instead of bawling when you go out, they might even pick up your yoga mat and push you out of the door.

2) ADD YOU TO YOUR TTDs
Don’t make your daily Things To Do list solely about the kids, your job, or boring householdy things.  Looking after yourself should be priority, too – in fact, make it top of your list! This isn’t selfish, it’s necessary to making you feel good so that you can focus on being a good mother. EG: As well as listing ‘collect Arthur from dance class’ or ‘answer emails’ or ‘paint kitchen table’ why not add ‘go for a bike ride’ or ‘do some meditation.’ Our needs don’t have to be at the bottom of the list. Taking some time out for yourself will reinvigorate you, and make you feel happier doing all the other TTDs too.

3)
THINK WIN WIN
Just like in business, think of ways to bring WIN WIN into your every-day life with your kids. Think about what YOU want to do, as well as what THEY want to do and combine the two as much as possible. Your days don’t have to revolve around soft plays for instance. An energising walk for you can mean a ride on their bike for them. A pedicure for you might mean they get entertained by eager-salon staff while you’re pampered. A lunch out at a restaurant YOU like, might see them acting surprisingly good for the occasion. A night in a bar for you can mean, a film night at home with their dad (or cool babysitter) instead. If everything is a WIN WIN then everyone is HAPPY.

Molly Gunn

Molly Gunn is the Curator of Goodness at Selfish Mother, a site she created for likeminded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for publications including Red, Stella, Grazia, Net-A-Porter and ELLE. She now edits Selfish Mother and creates #GoodTees which are sold via TheFMLYStore.com and John Lewis and have so far raised £650K for charity. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 5, Fox, 3 and baby Liberty. Molly is married to Tom, aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live, work and play in Somerset.

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