Why Mummy is a Lady of Leisure…

Nina Austen - 6 Oct 17

A report by Bessie, 3.5 yrs

My brother and CEO of Gaa Gaa Land – Sonny, has told me it’s my turn to report on Mummy’s progress as a stay at home Mum, and whilst I’m not sure what that means I’m going to give it a crack. Plus if I don’t, Sonny says he won’t play doggies with me anymore. I really like playing doggies, even if Mummy says that crawling around on my knees ruins my clothes and makes me all dirty. I especially like playing fetch, except when I suddenly decide I don’t, and then I get Sonny in trouble with Mummy for throwing stuff.

Sonny and I have started attending more meetings at an odd place called “school,” and Mummy says she’s glad we’re enjoying it. We are in different classes, and I’m in something called preschool which is in a different building and means I bring less work home with me.

So far I like it! I think I worried Mummy as I cried pretty much every day during drop off my old preschool, but that was more for lolz and because I wasn’t a grown-up girl like I am now. I quite enjoyed making Mummy panic that I was genuinely upset, it reminded her who was running this place. Plus I’ve got to keep my hand in if I’m going to be the next Kate Winslet.

We go to school every day apart from 2 days close together which I think might be Monday and Thursday. I’ll check this with Mummy as I’m not sure about days yet but I know the month is Autumn. I have one best friend at preschool, Sally, and I’m not interested in playing with anyone else. Sally is lovely, so I’m not sure why Mummy keeps encouraging me to play with more than one person. I know what I like and it’s doggies, Sally, and chocolate. Oh and ‘I Can Cook.’ Specifically an episode with pony trekking. I like to insist we watch it on repeat which sometimes makes Mummy a bit cross, but I’m not letting that put me off.

I’m pretty lucky as now Sonny is in meetings all day I get to spend nearly 4 hours with Mummy just on my own! You’ll be pleased to know, dear reader, that I’m not putting this time to waste. Aside from playing doggies and ‘I Can Cook’ marathons, I’m ensuring Mummy is really embracing her new life.

Downtime is kept to a minimum, and I’m perfecting the art of forcing 4,528 clips into Mummy’s hair with the vigor of an overzealous woodpecker. I’ve also recently taken to scooting in the house! What fun! For me. Not for Mummy. She doesn’t like it when I forget to brake and smash into the kitchen cupboards. Sometimes I just don’t know what her problem is, she really sweats the small stuff.

We also go to the park, often after a cupboard smash, we play mummy’s and baby’s and sometimes we go to the supermarket. My favourite thing to do when food shopping is luzz delicate objects into the trolley. Yoghurt, raspberries, avocados, that kind of thing. The other day I heard an older gentleman make a strange ‘tutting’ sound when Mummy was trying to get me to stop my luzz-fest, and when she heard him she looked like she might cry. That made me sad so I stopped throwing stuff and gave her a hug. Then suggested she might like to buy the Peppa Pig guitar toy we passed a few minutes later to make her feel better. And give it to me.

Mummy is mostly happy but sometimes looks a bit hazy behind the eyes. Like she’s 80/20 sure she’s going to follow through after a pump. Or dreaming about cheese. Mummy loves cheese. I heard her tell Daddy the other day that people keep asking how she feels being a ‘lady of leisure.’ I asked Mummy what the word ‘leisure’ means and said she’d asked someone called Google which must be Sally’s Mum as she doesn’t really know anyone else locally yet. She said leisure is: time free from the demands of work or duty, when one can rest, enjoy hobbies or sports.

I’m not sure why but Mummy seemed a bit annoyed about people making the assumption she’s a lady of leisure. Sonny and I aren’t that much work. She rests when we’re eating (apart from fetching more bread/ butter/ water/ a new plate) and sometimes we let her sit down with a coffee before remembering that’s kind of slacking and we need someone to help us construct Tracey Island using only play-doh and snot.

We make sure Mummy has plenty of hobbies, including constant rotation of scooters and pushbikes in the garden and undoing and redoing out helmet clips every 5 minutes. She also keeps up her weekly exercise quota running to help when one of us screams ‘I’m wiping my own bottom’ and then running to fetch antibacterial spray to remove the poo from the toilet/ sink/ our shoes. Shoes are a fun addition to this game as it makes Mummy’s head hurt figuring out how it gets there, but here’s my secret, toilet paper transference. Works a dream.

So in summary, Mummy is keeping up pretty well with our demands and although she sometimes looks pretty frazzled, she’s always better after a cuddle from me or Sonny. She knows she’s pretty lucky to be at home with us all the time. Let’s face it, we are pretty awesome. And no matter how many silly men tut at Mummy she’s doing a grand job. Something I’ll tell her once she’s removed all the hairclips and brought me my scooter. I’m bored of my bike now.

Bessie MiniChief
October 2017.

Nina Austen

Gaa Gaa Land is a collection of ramblings from a stay at home mum of two. Although said ramblings might veer into the serious from time to time, this blog is largely satire. GGL uses humour, irony and exaggeration to amplify this crazy parenting ride, but everything is from real life. It’s all true. Even the embarrassing bits. N is in her mid late thirties and enjoys writing, F1, early 2000’s UK Gladiators, picking play doh out of her hair, cooking, Game of Thrones, stationary, innuendo and swearing. She loves her kids, husband, friends, the Dalai Lama, Bjork and is partial to a Cliff Richard calendar (classic examples of brilliance – 1996 and 2010). She also thinks it’s weird writing in the third person.

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