why the modern mum has to hunt out her support network.

Lauren Derret - 2 Mar 16

I dunno about you but I find this motherhood lark pretty lonely at times and I feel judged at times. It seems that mothers are being segregated, simply down to their own parenting choices. It can all feel a bit like being back in the playground, desperately trying to fit in whilst staying true to yourself but with a fear of rejection.

Back in the caves, women were with women. The men all went off hunting and the women cared for the women. Even more recent than that, women had their families around them, families were all in close proximity meaning you always had someone you could call on. In the modern world, there are fewer women who have women. Families have become further wide spread. Women tend to work full time before venturing into mother hood meaning they leave their circle of childless friends behind and embark on thier new lives alone.

When I had my first (almost 20 years ago) my sisters and my friends were having babies at the same time and we all carried the load, it was a unconscious rule that we all just mucked in a helped mother each others children. Our kids grew up together and our workloads lightened.  We women supported us women.

Fast forward to my last son (almost 4) and all my sisters and friends kids had grown, everyone had gone back to work full time and I was left, alone with this new baby. A stark opposite to how I had experienced this time before. Back then if I needed a wee I’d pass the small person over to whoever was with me (there was always someone with me) and I’d go for a wee, as it should be, well, just having a wee. And now in the current day  when I need a wee I have to leave the door ajar and be able to hold a conversation about Lord Sideous whilst explaining why he’s not one of the first order (huge Star Wars fan, him not me).

I remember not long after I’d given birth, I was constipated but felt the time had come. I brought the baby up to the bathroom, laid him on the bath mat and waited….. after a short time, he was crying to be picked up, I was sore and desperate for the one simple human need, the need to poo and I started to cry too. I felt so alone, so tired and so unsupported in those early days and for many days after.

Of course we’re blessed to have our babies but for us fully evolved humans, some days we need more than our babies. We need women. We need women who we can learn with, who we can lean on and women who ‘get it’. Some days it’s so hard, and the only person who truly gets it is one who has/is feeling it too.

Although many of us may not have a mum who’s local (raises hand) and our friends, sisters are all working full time leaving us to fumble our way through our new roles, we are lucky enough to have a whole social life at the touch of a button.

Facebook is a fantastic place to meet like minded women. Whatever type of parent you are, there will be a group for you where there’ll be people there who understand (and probably feel the same). And if you’re a shy type who isn’t great at putting themselves out there to make new friends, these groups offer a way whereby you can be part of it, feel the support from it but not actually have to get directly involved in it unless you wanted to. I’m sure over time and having sat back watching the group for a while you’ll grow in confidence and probably spot who you’d get on best with and maybe start to integrate yourself.

I run a lovely little group; Pregnancy and Birth Hub Essex, a safe supportive place for pregnant women to (virtually) hang out, ask questions, share experiences, offer support, you’d be very welcome to join us. Another great one is; Natural Parenting Essex. Lots of the groups offer mums meet ups in your local area so when you feel ready you can all hook up and become your very own support group.

I also run a free Positive Birth Group meet up once a month in Braintree, giving local preggo’s and mothers the chance to share in and embrace all things positive birth. It’s a great way to meet women before your baby is even with you. These groups are run all over the world and you can find your local group on their website here .

There are hundreds of pregnancy/birth and parenting groups out there on social media, search for your area and see what comes up. Of course it doesn’t have to just be virtual support, there are mother and baby groups in all areas, you can just ask the wonderfully supportive Google to find your local one. Maybe you want some hands on practical support and a friendly face to help around the house, that’s when you could maybe consider a post natal doula? A full directory of your local doulas are on the Doula Uk website here.

Modern mummas, the support is out there when you look for it.

And know this, we ALL struggle sometimes, and we all feel a hell of a lot better when we have a good network of women around us, it’s the natural order of things. No shame. Get your network in place as soon as possible so that you feel supported should you’re ever sat on the loo, tears rolling down your face trying to force a poo out with a screaming baby at your feet and a feeling of being the only mother in the world feeling that it’s all a bit too much.

Lauren Derret

I’m Lauren, mum of 4 humans, each with their very own birth story. Red wine drinker, keen blogger, trash tv watcher and pretty hard core potty mouth! But, with a good heart and a passion for setting lovely women like you onto a path towards a positive birthing experience, and we’ll have fun doing it; always a bonus! I teach The Wise Hippo Birthing Programme and am a Doula Uk recognised Doula

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