Why we need more Dummies…..

Isabelle Loynes - 12 Sep 16

Today I read a newspaper. Well, a magazine inside a newspaper. This is a big deal because, well, if you are reading this and have children I don’t need to tell you why it’s a big deal. It isn’t like Dot is badgering me all day (sometimes it definitely does feel like it though) I mean, she does nap. Whilst, yes, technically, I could probably find a few moments in each week where I could regularly brush up on the latest depressing instalment of bad news, there always seems to be something else that requires my attention. My work, or the constant DIY’ing that’s needed in our house (which it turns out has been more demanding and costly than the baby), as well as the usual cleaning, eating and then getting distracted by some utter dross on TV like Love Island, which although depressing compared to my own life (taut bikinis, all day sunbathing, sex, tequila action) is also captivatingly brilliant, tends to get my attention.

I digress and actually I guess that’s the point I’m trying to make. Today I didn’t do all that stuff, I read an article and it was the best type of article because I read it nodding my head and saying to my husband, ‘listen to this bit…’ (he hates it when I do this) and afterwards it made me think about what I had read for a little while. Only a little while because Dot did an enormous elephant sized shit on the floor a few minutes later which has taken up quite a lot of my mindspace (sadly) since then but that’s another matter.

The article in question was in The Times magazine today and was called “Meet the Dummies – Ben Machell on being a *Daddy-Mummy, one of the new breed of Generation Y fathers who are never happier than when they’re left holding the baby”.

In it, the journalist raises attention to this new phenomenon of dads who are struggling to shoulder the responsibilities of their jobs and their very genuine and real desire to be with their children as much as possible. These are dads who change just as many nappies as the mamas, they worry about their kid’s diet, screen time and education with the same blathering insanity as mamas have previously claimed almost exclusively for themselves. In the article Ben turns down the chance to go to New York and interview a model for work because he is happiest when with his kids. Ben is clearly a great dad and there are so many like him. There is almost nothing on earth that could tempt my husband Chris into missing putting our daughter to bed. It’s become ‘their’ thing, so much so that when I put Dot to bed she sort of stares at Chris longingly. I listened one night to see what it is about Dada’s bedtime routine that is clearly so much more compelling than mine. I sat on the stairs, peering into the bathroom and eavesdropping Dot’s manic giggles as she sat in the bath and covered her Dadda’s face with bubbles before he became the Bubble monster who, from what I heard, sounds a bit like a drugged up Sesame Street character. For one second I thought, I need to up my bedtime game but then I realised that by the end of a day of playing with Dot I just don’t have a bubble monster left in me. But for Chris, after a day in the office, a good ten minutes of out of body bubble monster action is just what he needs. Dads of the past would hit the pub with their mates to let off steam, Dummies drown themselves in domesticity to wash away their day and don’t we just love them for it.

My mum and dad had a pretty traditional set up, Mum stayed at home with the kids and Dad worked long hours in the city. As great a dad as he was, his midweek nights were spent at the Groucho Club, not picking bolognese out of a toddler’s hair. I’m not even sure he had a choice in that, in those days it was expected that if you wanted to climb the career ladder you stayed later than anyone else and quaffed whiskies with your peers. Promotions and new opportunities came from after-work introductions in the pub. I imagine my Dad would have loved to have been a Dummy if he had been given the chance, I wonder if all men would benefit from the Dummy way of life. As much as all mamas need a partner-in-crime who will share their pillow talk about the benefits of Montosorri nurseries and whether the fact their child hit a cat today means it’s a bit of a psycho, not all dads can be that kind of hands-on father and I’m not sure it’s because they don’t want to.

Fundamentally, many men just haven’t been shown that kind of parenting. Unlike my own father who always cooked and cleaned when he was at home, most the dads I saw growing up were about as likely to cook a meal as fly to the moon. There is a whole generation of dads, I’ve met so many of them, who aren’t even ashamed to admit that they’ve never changed a nappy. Never. If you grew up with that kind of role model you either replicate it with your own children (I’ve seen so many of these kind of dads) or you vow to never make the same mistakes.

But for many men, there isn’t even the choice. Paternity leave is pitiful. My husband is self-employed so we had to take a massive hit financially when he took two weeks off after I had Dot because there is no statutory paternity pay. He was forced back to work because of the pressures of money, he desperately wanted to stay at home and support me in caring for our delicate baby girl. Now we reap the benefits of him being self-employed, he contracts so is under no pressure to stay late, he’s able to have breakfast with us in the morning and is home well in time to share in the pasta throwing of dinnertime. But for many dads that just isn’t an option. There is a change happening but for many it is far too slow to touch their areas of work. It’s impossible to be a Dummy if you leave the house before your child wakes and get back home way after bedtime, your only view into your child’s life is stained plates, paint-smeared paper and a knackered glazey-eyed wife falling asleep in front of Bake-Off.

Whilst the article on Dummies raised a worthwhile point that we must understand the pressures on those hands-on dads it’s not them I feel sorry for, it’s the fathers who don’t get a chance to get close to those pressures. The Dads who are never the one their child wants when they cry, who have no idea of the insignificant treasures that they are missing every day, like sharing a laugh with your child, or, when they give you those real tight cuddles that they really mean. The Dads who never get to be Mr Bubble Monster. It’s them I feel sorry for.
The family unit is so important, good role models and support for both mum and dad is an insurance against so many social problems that hurt our communities. Without flexible working hours and family-friendly employers Dummies will still be a minority, which is a real shame, the world could use a few more Dummies.

Isabelle Loynes

Journalist, Author, Mum to Dot, living in Brighton.

View profile for posts, events and more info