yoga mama, working out what matters….

Natalie Buckland - 25 Feb 16

‘Big toes touching heels slightly apart’. – I begin my practice and hear my teachers voice reminding me to breathe. It’s familiar, comforting….Californian.

‘Inhale raise the arms look up’. My mind already starts to wonder. I’ve always fancied myself as one of those mothers who are brave enough to just up sticks and see the world with their children – experience an alternative education. After a difficult day I began to think that maybe the California sunshine would just take the edge off the more trying times of motherhood. Surely having the option to lift your face to the sun when you’re almost four year old decides to have an almighty tantrum in the party shop over balloons (of all things) would make life a little easier? I had hurried my son out of the shop, my face burning.

‘Exhale fold’. Like a mantra I repeated to myself over and over ‘Remember he’s only little. He’s over tired’. With my ‘to do’ list in my pocket I needed to find a way to curb this very public desire for attention and find it fast. I quickly ran through the options. Ignore him and hope he gets bored. Bribe him or threaten him. I needed to call into the sweet shop to order twenty two bags of penny sweets for his party next weekend – the perfect opportunity to bribe him with a treat if he stopped crying. Or I could simply skip the sweet shop and threaten to call all of his friends mummy’s and cancel the party. I knew I would have to rethink this one though as I wasn’t sure this was actually a viable option anymore. I had been threatening to cancel his birthday party every time he’d acted up since Christmas so I’m thinking that this will now be more than less effective. I knew I should really try talking to him but I was wound up. Yes the wannabe spiritual guru of motherhood inside of me knew I had to sit him down, wipe away his tears and listen. Calm him down. I should be able to do that right? His screams got louder, he is only little, he is over tired and it’s started to rain. We’re NOT in California and people around here know me. So we headed to the sweet shop.

‘Inhale lift the chest, look up open the heart’. Anyone that knows me knows that my son has had my heart right from the moment I found out I was unexpectedly expecting him. I look at him and can’t believe that this little person is mine and began his life growing inside of me. In my attempt to avoid the puddles I was reminded only too well that he was mine and in that moment I could curse the universe for providing me with a miniature stroppy short tempered reflection of myself complete with blotchy red cheeks. California? California dreaming…

‘Exhale Chaturanga Dandasana – remember to look forward’. We made it to the sweet shop. My son immediately piped down and headed for the penny sweets. I knew I would allow him to have some but what made me feel worse was that he knew it too. As he crouched down reaching out for a small paper bag he had looked up at me. I knew he was waiting for my permission and somehow this softened me. He wasn’t totally void of rules and boundaries. He was aware that he had misbehaved and that his behaviour had consequences. I decided consequences could wait until later. I stood back and watched as he went straight for the jelly snakes. He always goes for the jelly snakes first as they are his favourite and because they are his favourite he always saves it to eat last. Just like his Dad would do. So maybe he’s not all me. As I stood back I watched and admired his ability to shift so quickly into the present moment. My son had managed to move from incomprehensible madness to concentrated contentment in a matter of seconds. He just moved on. Made it look so simple. It is said that ‘Children have a way of forcing you back into the present moment’ (Lorna Luft) – and this was most definitely one of those moments.

‘Inhale heart leads draw the shoulders back’. From what little experience I have of parenting I have learnt that leading with my heart is all I can do. With so much advice out there for mothers I often doubt my decisions and my ability. I think I know what I should be doing but it’s not actually what I am doing. What helps me through all of this is my yoga practice. It teaches me awareness, takes me out of my comfort zone and allows me to find space and strength. Above all else it makes me question myself honestly and in return to answer myself honestly.

‘Exhale into downward dog – 5 breaths here’. I still struggle to connect to my own breath at times during my practice. I start with a strong connection and then it slips in and out of focus depending on how I’m feeling that day. Recently two different teachers have observed my practice and noticed that I start with full energy and can then become inconsistent and tired as I progress through the series. I began to wonder if subconsciously I take this approach with my parenting.

‘Inhale – step walk or jump the feet to the hands’. There are always options when practicing yoga and I guess the same applies to parenting. Sometimes I step slowly through my practice and other days I feel like I fly through it attempting every jump with all the ashtangi enthusiasm I possess! This is personality – My personality and it comes through in both my practice and my parenting in abundance.

‘Exhale fold’. I believe in looking inwards and drawing attention to your inner self. I get agitated when I haven’t been able to find time for me or my practice. I know what it is that allows me to truly and deeply exhale and be myself and I will be honest enough to admit that I don’t always use my time wisely. I spend too long scrolling through social media when I know I should be doing the things that I always complain I don’t have time to do. I try not to be too hard on myself – I just don’t always make the right choices. Like with parenting.

‘Inhale raise the arms – look up’ Ashtanga yoga focusses on six series of progressively more difficult yoga postures. Pattabhi Jois affectionately named having children as the ‘Seventh’ series. Of all the obstacles I find in my personal practice I cannot think of anything more challenging, rewarding and mind boggling than having a child. Every day my son teaches me more about the person I am and the person that I want to be. I am thankful for this. Now, I don’t know about anyone else but I also find it mildly amusing that an almost four year old with an uncanny likeness to myself is the one I refer to as my Guru….

‘Exhale. Samastitihi’.

Natalie Buckland

Mama to four year old Henry living in Bedfordshire. Working my way through life loving the combination of the corporate HR world and teaching yoga. My mission in life is to successfully balance work with school drop offs, my personal yoga practice with my students practice, reading with writing and above all remembering to remind myself I have a pretty awesome husband to make time for too!

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