You cannot be all things to all people

SJ Snelson - 25 Jul 16

I wasn’t getting what I needed from my closest friends, they weren’t my pillars to lean on and the escape I craved from my family life. So I became argumentative, fractured and jealous. I resented them for not being able to understand me and my situation and over time I was becoming hurt more than healed and I was on the brink of friendship destruction.

One night, I just I walked away, I took a break. They asked me what was wrong via text, calls, emails, and mutual friends – but it was too far broken in my heart, the hurt too deep from too many grazes in the same spot to explain to my friends that they had done absolutely nothing wrong – they had just not been able to comprehend.

At the age we were, with the lives we led it isn’t a surprise that they couldn’t be what I needed and  over time I understood that my expectations far overreached the reality of what they could provide but it didn’t stop the upset. The break turned into weeks, months, years, weddings, babies and many an awkward social situation. I just left them…

So to the girls I walked away from, I am sincerely sorry – I am sorry there wasn’t an answer to your questions, I was just too confused and flooded with all things to be able to rationalise. I was becoming a fireball and I wanted more than anything to shield some untarnished memories. All I knew was I could not be a friend to you anymore and that you would be ok.

I took time away to heal and redefine what I needed in my life, in my every day and myself to survive happily through a few difficult years.

I needed to reduce the number of people I was anxious about and find some time to come to terms with the chaos within me.

What I hadn’t realised at the time was that I had accepted that I could not be all things to all people and had to let go of some of my spinning plates. I had grown tired of pretending I was ok and juggling too many responsibilities. I had an epiphany ‘fuck it’ moment on that night out, so I dropped some plates and picked up my shattered self from beneath my feet and promised to rebuild a little taller, a little more self-aware.

I am still building and figuring out what I need to do to ditch heaps of guilt and properly look after myself at a near 30 years so how the hell do I teach Bambina? Perhaps the crucial lesson to be taught is simply this; that she cannot be all things to all people.

Maybe this acceptance in time will afford her protection and enable her to loosen the reins on difficult situations, to take a pause when required or shade from the heat. I would like her to grow up knowing how it is healthy to have friends in different circles, from whom she could expect and enjoy different things from.

I am only too aware that I need to lead by example and convey how important it is to put yourself up there as a priority, recognising when your needs aren’t being met. I want Bambina to know it is ok to stop compromising and that she is not expected to become someone else’s saviour or hero at the expense of her own wellbeing.

And not just for her sake but those around her too, for as the saying goes ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’.

‘You cannot be all things to all people’

I am going to try to remember these words and find my balance before I hit a ‘Fuck it’ moment once again – are you in it with me?

We are only human (although frequently give superman a run for his money as we continually manage to keep the small people alive) and Mama guilt and exhaustion are real things that need a real kick out of our lives – so let’s chase our dreams, permit ourselves to have deserved breaks and allow ourselves to drop a few of those spinning plates.

SJ Snelson

I'm SJ. Living in Brum, in the middle land. I have 1 crazy bambina, 1 step-teenager, and 1 husband (who fluctuates between superman and Magneto - often depending on my mood). My family and friends are always my staples, my clan, my tribe – and Bambina my hero. Find me on insta @themamacave

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