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Looking for Zen? Just ‘Follow the Yellow Brick Road’
As the year comes to an end and I think about 2016 I realise that I have come a long way, it was this time last year that unbeknown to me I was sinking into a deep and lasting depression. It’s ever so insidious, you think you’re coping, you battle through the days and then suddenly it hits you- the chemical imbalance, the muted muffled sounds that surround you, the loss of focus highlighted when I took an eye test because I literally couldn’t see- 20:20 turns out there was nothing wrong with my eyes just my soul. And then you sink and once you
But this time the difference was I knew it. The first time I sunk into Post Natal Depression I had no idea, I thought I was legitimately part of the rational world with strongly held views and even stronger emotions, anxieties and obsessions. I was tearing through my life like a pensioner who thinks they can still drive- completely unaware. That was dangerous and damaging and I still don’t have a full grasp on the consequences of that.
However
I wanted to beat it. I literally wanted to kill the fucker.
I attempted this in a number of ways, the first was complete and utter indulgence of short term fixes; wine mmm wine. Wine has a wonderful way of numbing the pain in the most
The only problem with wine was that the next day she was aloof, cold, dehydrated, achy, dry mouth, dry skin, dry love. The only way to get back into her good side was to drink her again and again. Wine also had the unfortunate ability to take away the warmth and subtle glows and replace them with panic, anger and anxiety- the truth was I never quite knew which way things where going to
Alongside my ever dependent relationship with the ol vino, I threw myself head first into a crash course of sugar and caffeine addiction. Any time I felt worn out, any time I was confronted by a stressful encounter, anytime I completely lost my marbles and yelled at the kids so loudly i Iost my bearings, I’d reach for the kettle switch a coffee a tea with a biscuit or 10, a cupcake, a donut, an entire packet of Iaribos or the not as
And of course the weight gain, the inevitable weight gain. The puffy face, the bad skin, the yellowing eyes… In many ways it was a form of self harm, physically change how you look, hurt your body and loose yourself further and further inside a body that already feels alien to you.
So with this as my backdrop, I continued with my life looking for answers to my depression but never really changing my lifestyle. I knew that I had to find zen somehow, a way to escape the pain and downright foggy nature of
I started online counseling, I had a lovely therapist called Sam, I felt she really cared for me and was on my side, she showed me that scrutinising every single negative action in my day was taking me in one direction only.. Downwards. She helped me to see that motherhood is a constant cycle of up and downs and that ultimately our children love us through it all. It became clear to me that all this time I thought it was us parents that exemplified unconditional love to our children, I realised the
Next I turned to Mindfulness. I was coming out of the doctors surgery and literally saw a sign ’Find Happiness the Mindful Way’. Ooo I thought surely that is way to zen? It seemed to tap into everything I wanted to
So I signed up for 12 classes and I loved them, they were everything I knew I wanted to be, calming, meditative, zenful. If I can do this everyday I thought to myself surely I will discover that allusive inner peace… Happiness was only a meditation away! Only I could never find the time to fit that meditation in!!! 2 young children, a house to keep, groceries to be bought,
There were two things that I did take from those mindfulness courses though: the breath, it’s always on you and just a few deep oxygenated,
The other thing I took was that prophetic phrase that all users of the London Underground are familiar with ’mind the gap’. If you take notice of your breathing you’ll notice that there is the most subtle of gaps between the point that you’ve inhaled and about to exhale. It’s in that Gap that we truly are. That pause applied to your life
Next I went to see my priest. I told him I was struggling to see up from down, I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. I told him I felt so utterly alone and even though I knew that God hadn’t abandoned me, I felt he had set me a task I
I bought a yoga DVD, nameste my
I suppose the most interesting of things I did in attempting to rid my depression burden was reach out to inspirational people. Friends that I hadn’t spoken to in years, one in particular a childhood friend on Facebook, I would always read through her statuses with envy she was all about love and living in the moment, empowerment as a women, two children and seemingly taking it all in her peaceful stride, and it
But I still couldn’t escape the daily spaced out feeling, I couldn’t shake my lethargy, I still feared 5 o’clock the time in the day where I felt so out of it I could cry and often reached for a gin to get through it.
I was literally the only one approaching the school gate each day feeling that I could just curl over and die.
And then I got honest with myself, I knew the way I was eating and drinking was not serving me in any way, how could I have emotional stability when my sugar levels where peaking and troughing so rapidly throughout the days? I knew also
So the coil came out and I booked in to see a nutritionist who introduced me to the Paelo way of life. I got a food education and realised that I really didn’t stand a chance of improving my well being before with the way I was
But my afternoon slump reigned on, out of body, disconnected, empty as though deep deep deep underwater where there is no connection to reality at all. Zen had eluded me.
Then one day I was talking to a mum friend, it was the usual chitter chatter but I could feel myself sinking into that space cadet state and I said out loud, ’do you ever feel as though you can’t see? Like you’re sinking into a strange mental chemical imbalance?’ I was
I was gobsmacked, it made such sense, all this time I’d been seeking
And so the next day, I didn’t approach the school pick up with usual trepidation and dread, I embraced it with positive thoughts, empowering thoughts that this was my choice I’m in control and you know what? That afternoon wasn’t so bad, nor the next or the one after that. And when my 15 month napped I didn’t rush around the house trying to tidy up the way I’d always done, I
I guess that’s where I am right now, taking it a day at a time, empowering myself to take charge of my own feelings, feeling happier than I’ve done for a long time. Is this zen? I’m not entirely sure but I’m reminded of that wonderful ending in the Wizard of Oz when the good witch explains to Dorothy that the